


Oh, But It Just May Be a Lunatic You’re Looking For

by Polaris



Series: New Favorite F-Word [3]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: And All Its Messy Glory, Both Recreational and Medicinal, Canon-Typical Violence, Childbirth, Daddy Kink, Depression, Docking, Drug Use, Feminization, It’s Wade so would it be an attempt?, Masochism, Multi, Overstimulation, Pegging, Polyamory Negotiations, Pregnancy, Size Kink, Suicide, Yay Babypool!, accidental murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-24 11:31:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 70,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17703527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polaris/pseuds/Polaris
Summary: Hi, readers! Deadpool here. This is where I summarize the thrilling conclusion to our family saga in a short but intriguing blurb that’ll get you to click. Gosh, there’s so much pressure. It’s like trying to pee with someone watching. Oh wait, I do that all the time. Join me as we pull our shit together, defeat the forces of evil, and have a baby.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to the Fourth Legion, and everyone whose feedback and encouragement made this monster happen.

There’s nothing quite like the sound that hits you a second after the heat and light of a gigantic explosion. Shakes you to your bones, makes you feel alive.

“ _Wade? What the fuck did you do?_ ” 

Less invigorating is the horrified look on Nate’s face as he stares at the wreckage of the Xavier School for Gifted Virgins. 

Oops. Maybe I should explain.

—

So first of all, you’re probably wondering why I’m not telling this story in third person limited like Ness and Nate did. Well, I am, because the author tried and isn’t a good enough writer to pull off first person. Something about consistency in tone or some other bullshit. I say she wrote about raccoons fucking so I should get to do what I want. No dice. But I do get these brief moments of exposition because I’m special. I’m here to tell you a story, so buckle up, perverts. Yeah, I know you looked at the tags and clicked anyway. That’s okay. I won’t tell.

I know, I know, you’re all thinking “but everything was going so well! They’re about to have a baby! What happened?” Well, I’ll tell you what happened. _I_ happened.

To get the full story of why I blew up the school where my shiny new adopted kid goes and where any normal person would be trying to suck up to the in-laws, I’ve gotta back it up to the days of Deadpool yore. A happier time, when Nate wasn’t a manipulative shitstick like in the comics and Ness wasn’t making that frowny face she does when I’ve taken a high dive off the deep end.

Those were better times.

It all started with the crushing depression that naturally follows a high point. See, as soon as Ness told me she was pregnant, I ran around and told everyone I knew. And also several people I didn’t, but I have to say, they were very supportive considering I ambushed them by the beer cooler in the gas station. Anyway. I was on cloud nine. 9? How does that work, exactly? 

Point is, I was happy. We were all happy. Even Russell didn’t seem too weirded out about being the oldest of three all of a sudden. Or by the thought of me and Ness fucking. Which, I mean, is pretty weird since I look like an extra from a horror movie and she’s, you know, incredible. I’d be weirded out by us fucking too if it wasn’t so great.

Where was I?

Oh, right. I’m bringing you all up to speed on how rock met bottom. 

—

“Colossus!” He’s so huggable. Which is weird for a guy made of metal, but it’s true. “Colossus, you won’t believe the news! We’re having a baby! Ness is having a baby!”

He stops trying to pry Wade off (halfheartedly; Wade knows he likes it when he touches his surprisingly luscious ass). “Baby?” he repeats blankly.

“Yes!” Wade pulls back enough to grin up at him. “Babypool is officially coming! We just found out!”

His startled look melts into a big smile. “Wade, this is wonderful! Congratulations.” A big hand lands on Wade’s shoulder, surprisingly gentle. It hurts a little anyway, but Wade’s used to that.

“Are you gonna tell everyone?” Oh, Russell’s grumpy. Too bad, kid. Nothing’s gonna rain on Wade’s parade. Heh. Wade’s parade. It rhymes. “You made Dopinder pull over so you could go in and tell a bunch of strangers in a gas station.”

“They bought me a Snickers that I shared with you,” Wade points out. 

Russell rolls his eyes. Was Wade that sarcastic as a teenager? Maybe. 

“I am happy for you, Wade. Fatherhood suits you.” Colossus nods in a satisfied kind of way.

It’s almost like he thinks Wade’s becoming X-Man material. He snakes his hand down the back of Colossus’s pants to disabuse him of _that_ notion. And also to see him jump. He does it every time.

“Did I hear that right?” Oh look, it’s Negasonic. She’s leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed, giving Wade that look like he stinks. Which he might, admittedly. “ _You’re_ having a kid?”

“That’s right, GI Jane. Go on, say something cutting. I don’t even care because I’m gonna be a dad!”

“Did you really just say that in front of the kid you adopted?” She doesn’t sound too impressed. But maybe she has a point.

Wade looks over at Russell, who, yeah, doesn’t look too happy. “Oh, come on. I’ve never had a baby before! I got to skip the crying and the not sleeping and the incontinence with you!”

“It’s gonna be great having two people in the house who piss themselves,” Russell mutters.

Wade’s just going to ignore that. Let’s see these judgmental assholes try to hold it with an enlarged prostate. “You’re gonna be a great big brother,” he tells Russell happily. “And the baby is even better than Hope because they won’t be able to kick you!”

“Small fucking favors,” he grumbles.

“Language,” Colossus tells him, and Wade rolls his eyes along with Russell. “Why don’t you settle in. Unpack. We can tell you everything that happened over weekend.”

“It was so peaceful,” says Negasonic. “Like all our weekends are.”

Wade should come in the mayonnaise. That would wipe that smirk off her face. But no. That would be bad. “I’m glad you had a good time watching Steven Universe and reruns of Ellen. Did I mention I’m having a baby?”

“You’re not. Vanessa is.” 

“Who’s having a baby?”

“Hi Yukio!” Wade wiggles his fingers in a wave.

She beams. “Hi Wade!”

“Vanessa and I are having a baby!” 

She squeals and runs over to hug him. “Oh my god! A baby!”

“I know!” He gives her a squeeze and steps away before she makes the stinky face. Yukio is sweet; he tries to be respectful.

He should get her to help with the baby shower. His baby is gonna have the best shower. Did Russell get a baby shower? Wade glances back at him. Probably not. Who even knows if they have baby showers in New Zealand, and even if they do, people who dump their kids at the first sign of an X-gene usually don’t go out of their way to have baby showers. He ought to do something special for Russell.

But first they have to get their shit unpacked. Wade watches Russell shoulder his bag and skulk off toward the boys’ dormitory, chewing his lip. One of the sores on his mouth starts to bleed, and he licks it absently. Funny, the way a guy gets used to the taste of his own blood. 

Nate likes it too; Wade can tell because sometimes he kisses hard enough to make Wade bleed, and he doesn’t shy away from the taste like Ness does. Nate’s a good boy for Ness, but Wade likes the other side of him too, the one he doesn’t see anymore now that they’re all domestic. He thinks he’d like to kiss Nate when they both smell like blood and gunpowder and death and see if Nate would make him bleed.

“Wade?” 

He shakes himself out of that happy little fantasy and blinks at Colossus. “Where’d everyone go?”

“You were staring at wall,” Colossus says. “They left.” His expression turns gentle. “Come, Wade. You have good news. This calls for celebration.”

“Ooh, is this the kind of celebration that ends up in my mouth?” Wade grins with just a little teeth. It’s too much fun to wind Colossus up.

And yep, there’s the little frown of disapproval. “Wade, please.”

“It is, isn’t it? It’s booze, isn’t it?” 

The frown morphs into confusion. “Yes,” says Colossus haltingly.

Wade nods. “What did you think I meant?”

God, the man’s too easy. Wade lives for the dismay that flashes across his face before he shakes his head. “Put your things away, then come to my room. We will celebrate.”

So Wade picks up his bag and goes to the sad little room he calls his own here. It’s not that little, actually. Just sad, because the bed is too cold without two other people in it. He misses the way Nate drools on him when he’s asleep. Mostly because he hasn’t gotten a picture yet and he really wants one. Maybe Ness will help him out. 

Wade opens the wardrobe (because this place is classy and old, so normal closets aren’t a thing) and looks at the neatly pressed slacks and button-downs hanging in organized rows. Colossus likes him in these clothes, more than he admits to himself. Colossus likes a lot of things more than he’ll admit. And usually Wade has fun playing the game. He wears the clothes Colossus likes and alternates between being a good boy and being a brat so Colossus has an excuse to slap him around. Pain’s great for focus, after all.

They both pretend this thing isn’t a thing. Or Wade does; he’s not sure if Colossus is pretending or if he really thinks that what they’re doing is friendly. Could be either. Colossus might have to seriously reevaluate his view on morality if he admitted that he gets off on dressing Wade up and gently (or not so gently) correcting him.

But tonight Wade doesn’t feel like it. Ness is having a baby but he’s here instead of with her, and he thinks he wants someone to just like him without any bullshit. He closes the wardrobe and walks down the hall to Colossus’s room in his sweatpants and hoodie. 

The hallway’s deserted, just like it always is. The other X-Men are probably all hanging out playing board games or whatever nerds do for fun. Wade definitely doesn’t want to hang out with them. It just...might be nice to be asked occasionally. Or even once.

Colossus opens the door after just one knock, treating Wade to a broad smile. He doesn’t seem to mind the street clothes, and Wade’s more grateful for that than he likes. “Come in! I break out the good stuff for this.”

Wade slips past him and sits on the bed. “It’s vodka, isn’t it?”

“Of course. Straight from family still.” Colossus wiggles the bottle.

Wade thought Colossus’s whole family was dead, but maybe that’s just the comics. Doesn’t he have a sister? So hard to remember between the fucked-up movie continuity and the billion retcons. Click the refresh button on the Wikipedia article, author. But he holds out his hand for the glass Colossus is already pouring.

The liquor is ice-cold. Does the guy keep vodka in his mini-fridge? Wade wants his mini-fridge back. He lost his mini-fridge privileges after Russell swiped the gun he was keeping in there and got caught with it. So nice to have refreshingly cold beverages within easy reach.

This vodka definitely counts as refreshing. Wade gives it an experimental sniff while Colossus pours his own glass. Mostly it smells cold, but he thinks he can detect a hint of botanicals under that homemade paint thinner bouquet. 

He likes whiskey better than vodka, but he’ll never break Colossus’s heart by telling him that.

The man in question turns around and raises his glass. “Here’s to you, Wade. And your family.”

“Cheers.” Wade knocks it back and sighs. “This,” he says, holding up the glass for another, “is some good shit.”

Colossus actually winks. “Only best will do for this. I know how much you wanted a baby.”

Wade looks down, letting his smile dim for a bit. Yeah, he remembers telling Colossus about starting a family, back when he had no family left. Yet? Time travel is weird. It was a bad time and Wade’s mind goes slippery when he thinks about it. Funny, how even a brain as fucked up as his skitters away from pain like a cockroach when the lights go on.

“You are good with Russell. This baby is going to be very loved.” Colossus nods, pausing when he sees that Wade isn’t drinking. “Wade. Something wrong?”

“Nope.” He turns the smile back to Miss America levels, because that’s what people do when they’re happy. “Just, um...” He shakes his head. “Doesn’t seem real yet.”

“Of course not.” Colossus smiles reassuringly. “When did you learn news?”

“This morning,” Wade says, downing the shot. He might actually be able to get drunk off this crap. Tempting. It’s not like he gets hangovers anymore.

That startles Colossus into lowering his glass. “This morning? Oh Wade...” He bites his lip (and it looks soft, soft enough that Wade wonders if _he_ could bite it, and if it would make Colossus moan) and sighs. “I am sorry you cannot be there with her.”

Wade holds out his glass for another shot. “Well, isn’t that what being a hero is? Missing your big family moments to save the world and being a role model for your unstable adopted teenage son?”

“That is first time I heard you call Russell your son.” Colossus tops him off like a good communist drinking buddy.

“Is it?” Wade tosses it back as soon as the glass is full.

“Maybe you should slow down,” says Colossus.

“Maybe not,” Wade counters. 

“You are upset,” Colossus decides, and Wade rolls his eyes so hard they hurt.

“Wow, do you fucking think? No wonder you’re Marvel and not DC. Detective comics my ass. Just keep the booze coming, big man.”

“I don’t think that is good idea.” Colossus gets up and takes the vodka with him, the dick. He turns back to Wade after putting the bottle safely in the mini-fridge. “Talk to me. You should be happy. Things are good for you now.”

Wade can feel the itch start in his brain. Probably a bad sign that he should pay attention to, but then, there wouldn’t be much of a story if he did the smart thing all the time. “Well, I might be a little happier if I was home with Vanessa picking out baby names instead of drinking with you,” he says, and it’s cruel, and he wishes he could take it back when he sees the sadness flash across Colossus’s shiny face.

“I understand,” Colossus says quietly. “Things are hard for you here.”

Wade looks away. “I’m sorry.”

“Is not personal.” Colossus smiles regretfully. “But this is not forever, Wade. Russell knows how you feel, and—”

“If you think Russell’s gonna give ground when we’ve got a baby on the way, then you’re a fucking idiot.” Wade sighs. “He’ll throw a fit if I try to go home now.”

Colossus sighs. “Is good to be guest, but being home is better. What about teleporter? Cable has that now, why not use it? For both of you?”

Wade blinks and then feels bad that he’s surprised Colossus thought of a nice, common-sense solution. “Mother of shit, you’re right. Do you think Xavier will be okay with us just hopping in for classes?”

Colossus considers. “You should discuss with him tomorrow. Is important for Russell to be with other children.”

“He’d be with Hope,” Wade points out.

Colossus snorts. “With children his own age. Hope is just little girl.”

“Did Scott tell everyone he pissed her off so bad she used his powers to blast a hole in our dining room wall?” Wade grins. “I think I’m gonna frame it.”

“What? No, he did not say anything. She used his powers?”

“Yep. Her power is to mimic other mutants’ powers if she’s around them,” says Wade happily. “Turns out she has a learning curve for the new ones she picks up.”

Colossus stares at him. “I thought you said she was telepath.”

“She is. Not sure how much of that is because Nate’s a telepath. She can sort of collect as many powers as she wants, depending on how many mutants she’s got to draw from. She and Russell were playing catch with fireballs. I should have gotten video.”

“Bozhe moi,” mutters Colossus. “Wade, with power like that, she will always be in danger.”

“Pretty sure with power like that, she’ll always be able to get out of danger,” says Wade. “I’ve seen Frozen, Colossus, and if we make her conceal instead of feel, she’s gonna get a complex about her powers like Grandpappy Summers wants her to.”

“He does not want—”

“Oh buddy, you are wrong there.” Wade leans forward. “You think all these kids aren’t told over and over how dangerous their powers are so they join your boy band child soldier death cult?”

“Wade!” Now Colossus looks shocked. Poor innocent fucker, that probably never occurred to him. “We are school!”

“A school that gets blown up every few months and whose teachers’ pets always go on to join the X-Men!” snaps Wade. “Just because that’s not what you’re doing here doesn’t mean that it’s not happening!” 

“I don’t want to hear anymore of this talk from you,” growls Colossus. “Enough.”

“Wanna make me?” Wade grins with teeth. _That_ might scratch the itch real nice, fists and blood and a hand squeezing his throat.

“Do not do this tonight,” Colossus begs. “Not the day you learned about your baby. You will always remember it tainted if you do this.”

Wade wants to growl at him. Instead he bats his eyes. “Awww, are you deciding what’s good for me again?”

“I just want to help you. You always do this when you are upset!” Colossus throws up his hands and turns away.

“Maybe if you’d actually choke me like I wanted, I wouldn’t have to wind you up!” Wait, did he say that out loud?

Colossus’s mouth falls open. Guess he did. “I am not going to choke you! Why would you think—”

“Oh, I don’t know, same reason I think you slap me around when you don’t have to?” Wade makes his face extra pleasant. No do-overs, since he left the time turner with Nate, so he’d better make this into a joke stat. “Want me to say harder daddy when you do it?”

Colossus sighs heavily and closes his eyes. “Wade. I am sorry I lose my temper with you. I want to make you feel better. What can I do?”

“Well, you took the vodka away and you’re not gonna choke me,” Wade grumbles. “Wanna cuddle?”

“Be serious!”

“You think I’m not?” Wade tilts his head.

Colossus huffs, only it’s not the soft fond huff that Nate does when Wade’s being stupid. It’s an angry huff. Progress. “Wade, this is beneath you.”

“I wish you were beneath me, shiny Jesus. It’s so nice to be around a man who’s taller than me for a change.” Wade bats his eyes. Will he regret this in the morning? Oh yeah, but that’s a problem for future Wade. 

Colossus’s face darkens. “Talking like this disrespects Vanessa and Cable. You should stop before you do something you regret.”

Wade stretches and makes a show of yawning. “You mean like you’re gonna regret passing up the chance to fuck me while I was vulnerable?”

The hand grips his throat and shoves him onto his back before he can react, and all Wade can think is, _yes_ when Colossus’s furious metal face comes into view. “Stop. Talking.”

“Harder daddy,” Wade croaks.

The hand tightens, making something crunch and sending shooting pain up Wade’s neck. His throat’s on fire and he feels alive for the first time since Nate let him go that morning.

Nate.

Wade’s an actual piece of shit. He brings his hands up to curl around Colossus’s wrist. This time is different than their usual and he can see it. There’s no lecture, nothing righteous about the anger on Colossus’s face, mixed with...is that hurt? Shit. Shitting shit.

Wade opens his mouth to apologize and that’s when his neck snaps.

—

He swims through the water on instinct, and then wonders if he should stop. He hasn’t died since he went back and got Ness. What if she’s still there somehow, sitting in her chair in their old apartment? It’s so awful to think about that he does stop, and then he finds out that the swimming isn’t necessary because he’s in the apartment anyway.

He stares at the kitchen wall, refusing to turn around. If she’s there, he doesn’t want to see her. He doesn’t want to know that some part of her stayed dead.

If he was alive, he’d be hyperventilating, and fuck, he didn’t know it was possible to have a panic attack in the afterlife, but trust him to fuck that up too. He fucks everything up, even when he tries to fix it, commercial break is over and it’s back to our regularly scheduled shitshow—

And he’s back, gasping on Colossus’s bed as the last of his spinal cord regenerates. He spasms involuntarily and looks around when he doesn’t immediately see Colossus. After a minute, Wade spots him on the floor next to the bed with his head in his hands. He doesn’t look up or respond to Wade’s alive noises. 

Wade slithers off the bed and flops onto the floor next to him. They stay like that for a long time.

Finally Wade looks over at him. “I’m sorry.”

Colossus doesn’t say anything.

“I’m really sorry,” Wade says again. He swallows and it still aches. God, he can feel his tumors and the pain that flares along his joints as they metastasize. He wants a cigarette. “You deserve better than my shit.”

“Why do you do that, Wade?” Colossus asks softly. “Why do you try to hurt me when I want to help you?”

Wade’s never heard that broken tone from him before, so he gives the question its fair consideration. The truth is, he’s never examined it too closely. Colossus tries to impose order, so Wade fires back with chaos. Action, reaction. It’s science, kids. But maybe there’s more to it than that. Maybe—just maybe—the fact that Colossus tries to impose order at all kind of hurts Wade’s feelings.

Goddammit. His daddy issues really are acting up.

He sighs. “I don’t always mean to. This time I did, and it was extra shitty. I’m sorry.”

“I care about you,” Colossus murmurs.

“Yeah, I know.” Wade hauls himself upright with a little grunt of pain. “I care about you too, evidence to the contrary.”

“You’re like little boy with toys.” Colossus shakes his head. “You throw them around and treat them rough without thinking. But your friends—” He pauses. “The people who love you, we are not toys.”

Wade’s throat gets tight in a way that has nothing to do with his tumors.

Colossus looks at him sadly. “You should take care, before you break something you cannot fix.”

“Colossus—” Wade’s not sure what he wants to say, only that there’s an overwhelming fondness for the big guy welling up somewhere in the chesticle region. 

Colossus cuts him off. “I think you should go back to your room, Wade.”

Wade feels like the world’s biggest asshole. This is way worse than shooting the sex offenders on live tv, because then he had a reason for breaking Colossus’s heart. Why’d he do it tonight? Because he was bored and sad and wanted to make someone else feel as crappy as he did? That’s a shitty thing to do to a friend. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

“I know, Wade.” Colossus sighs. “You are always sorry.”

And that’s what finally makes Wade slink back to his room with his tail between his legs. He smokes next to the open window, sighing with relief as the pot starts to kick in and the pain in his bones eases. God, he misses the days when he wasn’t in pain all the time. And when kids weren’t scared of him. And when he used to like walking around naked because he knew he looked good. And he used to look really good. There was a time when he and Ness would fuck in front of the mirror so they could see everything. Those days are gone.

And Wade needs to hear her voice suddenly. He needs it so bad he stubs the half-finished cigarette out on the window sill and grabs for his phone with shaking hands. The numbing terror of standing in that apartment not knowing if there was a nightmare behind him is still too fresh and he _needs_ Vanessa—

“Wade? What’s up?” 

Shit. Shit, he can’t tell her what happened. Wade stands there frozen for a second, overcome with relief at the sound of her voice, and he finally manages, “I just wanted to call you.”

He can hear rustling around before she puts him on speaker. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Wade forces himself to smile and let out a breath. “Yeah, I’m great. How do you feel?”

“Same as a few hours ago.” She sounds amused. 

“Wade?” There’s Nate. Wade was wondering where he’d fucked off to. 

He wants to be there in with them, warm in their bed with no one disappointed in him. Life’s too fucking short, isn’t it, when they’ll die and he can’t, and why the hell is he spending his time here when he should be with them? “Hi Nate. You looking after our girl?”

“She doesn’t need any looking after.” Nate sounds amused, and Wade wonders if they’ve already gotten started on the sex bet. Ness is horny pretty much all the time, and Nate seems to have no trouble keeping it up even if he is old. Maybe they were fucking and he’s interrupting.

No. Stop. Bad Deadpool. That’s not how they work and he’s not jealous that Nate gets to spend all his time with Vanessa. Totally not jealous at all.

They’re waiting for him to talk, so he digs up some words. “I’m gonna talk to Xavier tomorrow about letting Russell move home,” he says. “See if we can’t just teleport in for classes.”

“That would be nice,” says Vanessa softly, and Wade wants to touch her so badly his skin hurts. Or maybe that’s the cancer. 

Nate makes a rumbling sound in agreement. Wade could wrap himself up in that low growly voice and feel safe, if only he wasn’t trapped in this shithole school.

“Yeah,” he says too brightly, “it really would, wouldn’t it? More quality time with your belly. Nate, make sure she doesn’t go out for sushi or eat any deli meat while I’m gone.”

They both sigh. “Baby, did something happen?” asks Ness.

“Nope,” Wade lies. “Just missing my baby mama and my pudding cup.”

“We miss you too,” she tells him, and he believes her, and it’s not enough.

“We can meet up later in the week,” Nate says. “Bring Hope with. Take Russell someplace off the campus for a couple hours.”

Wade nods, closing his eyes. He doesn’t deserve them. “That’d be great,” he manages.

“I’ll check out restaurants in Westchester,” Vanessa promises. Wade loves her so much it aches. “Make sure we don’t end up eating at some dump.”

“Yeah,” he agrees. If part of her is still dead, maybe she can tell him how to fix it. Like she did with Russell. Maybe that’s what he needs to do.

He’s already contemplating the logistics of hanging himself, but while killing yourself might be easy, killing yourself in a school full of people without getting caught is hard.

“—Wade?” Oh. Vanessa’s still on the phone.

“Yeah, baby?”

She pauses. Smart girl, she can tell when he’s bullshitting her. “I love you,” she finally settles on.

And Wade smiles. “I love you too. And you, Nate. Be good while I’m gone!” He hangs up the phone and starts thinking.

Scott finds him the next morning in the closed garage with all the cars idling. Wade comes to in blinding sunlight with his boyfriend’s dad’s visor staring down at him in disapproval.

“Don’t tell Vanessa,” Wade croaks.

“What,” Scott asks slowly, “were you thinking, exactly?” 

Wade lets his head fall back on the grass. Cool, they dragged him onto the lawn. He so rarely gets to wake up in nice places. He died eighteen times last night, prowling the apartment searching for Ness. She’s not there. He’s not sure why heaven still looks like their old apartment when she’s not there, but he can parse that out later.

“Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take to air out the garage?” Scott demands. “Why the _hell_ would you try to kill yourself?”

“I was trying to be considerate,” Wade says. “Shooting myself in the head would have been a lot faster, but brains are really hard to clean.”

Scott’s mouth opens, but he shuts it again. Guess he’d never thought of that.

Wade sighs. “Ness was dead before. I used to see her when I...you know. Crossed over.”

Scott looks uncomfortable. “I didn’t realize that.”

“Yeah.” Wade nods. “She’s pregnant. We found out yesterday morning. And it’s mine, Peepaw, so don’t get excited.” He sighs again. “I wanted to make sure she’s just here and not there too.”

Scott looks heavenward, pursing his lips. “I suppose if it was Jean, I’d feel the same way.”

“Awww, are we bonding?”

“No.” Scott debates for a minute before he sits down on the grass next to Wade. “You couldn’t bring this to anyone?”

“Do the X-Men do assisted suicide? I didn’t realize that was a service you offered.” Wade smiles grimly. “Anyway, I got my answer. She’s not there, so we’re good.” He pushes to his feet and stretches. “Nice day today.”

Scott’s giving him a look. “I don’t want to see this again,” he says after a bit. “Nathan deserves someone who appreciates the value of life.”

“Um, I hate to break it to you, Pops, but I can’t die. What’s valuable about free refills forever?”

“Think about his life then!” snaps Scott. “You’re gonna make him clean up your corpse whenever you have a bad day?”

“You sound like the manager in A Star is Born,” grumbles Wade. “You’re lucky I can’t die for real.”

Scott makes the same pissed off cat noise that Hope does. Neat. “I have no idea why he chose you.”

That stings, more than Wade likes to admit. “I mean, I could say the same thing about Jean,” he says fairly. “But here we are.”

Scott bristles and Wade laughs at him. It’s possible that he shouldn’t be thinking that he’ll be able to hold it over Scott’s head for the rest of forever if he can drive him to murder, but hey. He’s bored and what’s one more death today? It would only bring him up to twenty in the last twenty-four hours. That’s not even close to his record.

“I mean,” he continues in his extra obnoxious voice, “I would fuck Wolverine over you any day, but maybe bad taste is genetic. Nate must get it from the Grey side of the fam—”

Scott hauls him up by the collar, putting his face altogether too close to Wade’s. “Who needs a damn off switch again?” he snarls.

Wade headbutts him.

Not hard enough to break his fancy headgear; Wade’s not actually stupid, in spite of what Scott thinks. Just hard enough to hurt a little and make him let go. 

“You maniac!” Scott hisses. “That’s it, we’re talking to the professor!”

“What? You fucking tattletale!” Wade’s jaw drops. “You started it!”

“No, I hauled your dead body out of my car and then listened to you insult me! God, what is _wrong_ with you?”

“You wanna start from the childhood abuse or should we skip to the year of torture?”

“What the fuck?” 

Oh. Russell. Looks like mutant ball is starting. There’s a crowd of about twenty kids on the lawn with Logan and Colossus, and all of them are staring at Scott and Wade.

Wade waves.

Scott rubs a hand over his face. “Come on, Wade. Xavier’s office. Now.”

“Principal’s office role play is something I’d much rather do with your son, Scott.”

Okay, the blushing is kind of cute now that Wade can see shades of Nate in it. “You need to stop,” Scott growls.

“Wade.” Oh shit. Now he’s getting the sad eyes from Colossus. “Wade, why don’t you go talk to the professor? You can mention what we talked about last night.”

Guilt isn’t an emotion Wade likes. Most of the time he pretends he doesn’t feel it at all, but Colossus is the one person who can always dredge it up no matter how deep Wade buries it. “Fine,” he mutters. “But not for him. For you.”

Colossus lets out a slow breath. “Thank you.”

“He the reason the garage is wide open?” Logan asks, eyeing Wade affectionately. It’s very well-hidden affection, but it’s there. Wade can tell.

“Yes. Don’t close it for awhile yet.” Scott gives him a baleful look, possibly remembering Wade’s dig from a few minutes ago.

“Why not?” Russell asks, giving Wade the big dark eyes. Crap. 

“I just had to check on something,” Wade tells him. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Did you fucking kill yourself again?” demands Russell. The kids behind him shift uncomfortably.

“It’s temporary!” Wade throws his hands up. “I’ve killed myself a hundred times before now, it’s not even a big deal.”

“That’s messed up. Even I don’t go around offing myself for fun,” says Logan.

“Well, you have your own issues, buddy. I’d tell Jean to date you instead, but I need—”

Scott grabs him by the collar again, and he’s not being gentle as he starts to drag Wade across the lawn.

“I hate all of you except for one sperm,” Wade rasps.

“That’s more than I like about you,” Scott growls. Wade’s feet drag a little as they make their way back into the mansion.

Professor Xavier is in his office, already wheeling around the desk when Scott tosses Wade through the door and shuts it behind them. “Wade, would you like to explain this?”

They’ve been playing brain footsie. “Not really,” Wade tells him as he brushes himself off. “Might wanna talk to your boy here about getting handsy when he’s mad. That can’t be a great example for the kids.”

“Neither is killing yourself on school property,” Scott points out.

He has a point, but Wade’s gonna ignore it. “Look, as nice as it is here—and you guys have been great, really—I want to talk to you about Russell and me moving home.”

Xavier’s nonplussed expression smooths into gentle concern. “That’s going to affect his experience here,” he says.

“No shit. For the better. You think he’s thriving here or something?”

Xavier sighs. “I think this has as much to do with your unhappiness here as it does with Russell.”

Wade glares. “Vanessa’s pregnant. I should be with her.”

“Congratulations.” Xavier blinks. “I didn’t realize you were growing your family so quickly. That’s good news, Wade.”

Wade huffs. For some reason, getting genuinely congratulated by the X-Men doesn’t make him feel good at all. Maybe because he suspects they’re all secretly wondering how bad he’s gonna fuck his kid up before it becomes their problem. So he doesn’t say thanks. “We should both be at home,” he repeats.

“Would that prevent you from smoking outside the classrooms, or committing suicide in the school garages?” asks Xavier mildly.

“I mean, anything can happen.” Wade shrugs.

They both sigh at the same time, which is kind of funny. “You’re welcome to come or go as you please, Wade,” says Xavier. “However, I designed this school as a boarding school.”

“No, you designed this school to take in unwanted orphans and raise them to join your cause like Scooter over here!” Wade points. “You don’t know what to do with Russell because he’s got me!”

“That is _not_ true!” snaps Scott.

“Yeah, that’s what Colossus said too, but you drank the kool-aid, gramps. There’s a reason Nate didn’t join up with you losers.”

“Wade.” Xavier’s voice interrupts him sharply. “While it is true that I did design the school to accommodate children with less than supportive home lives, that doesn’t change the fact that Russell will lose opportunities to connect with his peers if you pull him out of the dormitories.”

“But it’ll give him the freedom to masturbate in peace,” says Wade.

He kind of wishes he could take a picture of the old guy’s face. “I think there’s a chance that he might settle in a bit more if he were a traditional student,” Xavier says. “After all, you came to us because he needed help controlling his powers.”

“That was mostly because Nate was being a fuckhead.” Wade loves the guy, but it’s true. 

“You had to move,” Xavier points out. “His powers are extremely dangerous.”

“He hasn’t tried to toast Hope once. Not even when she kicks him. And really, the only property damage we’ve had with either of the kids has been his fault.” Wade gestures at Scott.

Scott looks embarrassed and Wade takes a second to feel extra smug.

Xavier gives Scott a disappointed look. Is it meant to be a gift to Wade? No, but ultimately it works out that way. “Scott has also expressed some concern about your cavalier approach to Hope’s powers.”

“Well, Hope might be my new bff, but Nate’s the final stop when it comes to her. Russell, though? He’s all me. And I can’t move home without him. So let’s put Nate’s teleporter to good use, skip the commute, and let him live at home so he won’t feel left out when the baby comes.” Wade crosses his arms.

Xavier exchanges a look with Scott. “As his legal guardian, you do have that right,” he says finally.

“Cool. So do I have to sign something, or...?”

“I’ll draw up the paperwork,” sighs Xavier, “along with my reservations. Vanessa is human and she has no way to protect herself if he loses control at home.”

Wade doesn’t remember pulling the gun, but between one blink and the next he’s pointing it between Xavier’s eyes and Scott is shouting at him.

“Take it back,” he says flatly.

Xavier stares at him, aghast. “Wade, my apologies—”

“Take it back, you fucking fuck!” Not his best insult, but this isn’t his best morning either. The thought that Russell could hurt Vanessa, that anything could ever happen to her...let’s just say Wade’s not good with that. “Say one more thing about my kid, asshole, say _one more—_ ”

Scott blasts the gun. And Wade’s hand. The hand melts. The gun just goes skittering across the floor, but it won’t be usable anymore after that. 

Wade breathes through the flaring agony and says through gritted teeth, “you’re lucky that didn’t blow up in my hand. I’m the only one who wouldn’t get hurt.”

“You are completely insane!” Scott shouts. 

“No shit, Sherlock! What did you fucking expect?”

Scott gapes at him. Guess he thinks that crazy people can’t be self-aware. One more thing he’s wrong about. 

Wade’s hand is gonna take hours to grow back. That’s really annoying. Almost as annoying as Xavier’s concern troll face.”Wade,” Xavier says haltingly, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

No, but manipulation isn’t a whole lot better in Wade’s book. “You said paperwork. I want it on my desk by the end of the day.”

“You don’t have a desk,” says Scott.

“Then I guess you’ll have to find somewhere to go with it.” Wade needs a cigarette, badly. His fingers are twitching and he should either smoke or pull one of the other guns he’s hidden under his good boy outfit. 

“I’ll slip it under your door,” Xavier decides. “By the end of the day, as you requested.”

“Good.” Wade picks up his useless gun and tucks it back where the sun don’t shine. “Then I guess we’re done here.” He wiggles his tiny fingers in a wave and backs out of the office. So he bumps into the door as he leaves. So fucking what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of suicide attempts this chapter, a la Deadpool 2. Wade has a lot of depression thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

So that was Deadpool and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. Kind of pathetic, huh? Yeah, I agree. But don’t forget, kids, I haven’t even blown anything up yet. If life has taught me one thing, aside from the importance of leaving product reviews on Amazon, it’s that things can always, _always_ get worse.

—

“Did you really pull gun on Xavier?”

Wade blows smoke out his nose, half turning and then cursing as the glare from Colossus’s crossed arms blinds him. “Jesus, watch where you point that thing. I wasn’t actually gonna shoot him, calm your tits.”

“I called Vanessa,” Colossus says, and Wade grinds his teeth and wonders if putting the cigarette out on metal would hurt.

“That wasn’t necessary, pookie,” he says instead, in the sweetest voice he can muster. “Stress is bad for the baby and I’ve got shit handled.”

“You call this handled? You killed yourself, Wade!” Colossus reaches out, but stops halfway and lets his hand drop. “Is this about the baby?”

“I’m not inclined to discuss it,” Wade tells him loftily. “Besides, one of those deaths was because you crushed my neck.”

It shuts Colossus up, which is what Wade tells himself he wants. When he finally speaks again, his voice is soft. “I am so sorry, Wade. I want to help you, but what you need is beyond me.”

Wade squints at the kids milling around on the lawn. Some of them are using their powers for games and shit, some are on their phones, more are chatting in pairs or groups. “Don’t feel bad,” he eventually says. “I wind you up on purpose.”

“I know. I cannot understand why.”

Wade grunts, watching Russell talking to his one friend. Kid’s nice enough, but they hang out more out of shared loser status than common interests. It was like that for Wade too, back in the bad old days. He was always the kid who was too loud, too weird, too obnoxious, and too gay to be liked. There were a lot of fistfights in bathrooms when Wade was Russell’s age, because Papa Wilson taught his son to take a punch if nothing else. 

He stubs the cigarette out on his own skin, enjoying the sick face Colossus makes as it sizzles.

Big hands catch his, and he lets Colossus turn him so they’re facing each other. 

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” says Colossus softly.

Wade swallows, surprised by how strong the urge to kiss him is. Is he that much of an asshole? Even he’s not sure. But his impulse control has never been great, and he catches himself staring at those shiny lips.

Colossus steps back before Wade can do anything he’ll regret. “Going home will be good for you,” he states with a nod. “You are happier when you are with them.”

If Wade was the type to give a shit about anything right now, he’d wonder at the forceful way Colossus said that. Like he’s trying to convince himself. Or like he’s sad about it. But Wade’s not, and besides, he’s distracted by the weird kid skulking behind a tree.

Now, Wade appreciates the skill it takes to skulk successfully. It’s a goddamn art, and most people only ever manage lurking. This kid’s skulking. He’s about sixteen, tall and gangly, with stringy black hair and the kind of pale skin that Wade usually associates with Weasel and other cave dwellers. 

Something about him set off all the alarms in Wade’s brain.

“Who’s Gollum over there?” he asks Colossus.

“What?” Colossus squints. “Oh. Is new student. His name is Nathaniel.”

“He’s not cute enough to be a Nathaniel,” mutters Wade.

Colossus makes a face at him. “Wade. Be kind to children.”

“He’s creepy.”

“Is not creepy!” Colossus looks over. “Maybe a little creepy. Still. Give him time.”

The kid glances over, sees that they’re watching him, and scuttles away. Exactly like Gollum. “Time to do what, bite off my finger and steal my ring?”

Colossus makes that disappointed dad face and Wade can’t deal with it. “He will relax once he settles in.”

“You said that about me too, and then I killed myself in the garage last night,” Wade points out. “I’m still not done being mad at you for calling Vanessa.”

“Wade?”

Oh, be still his heart. It’s Nate, stepping onto the grass as the light from the teleporter fades behind him. He’s dressed for war and there’s a frown on his lovely weathered face.

“Pudding cup!” Wade holds out his arms. When Nate stares at him flatly and refuses to come, he wiggles his fingers. “Hug?”

“Jesus.” Nate steps forward into Wade’s arms and lets himself be snuggled because he’s the best boyfriend and probably he’s also worried after getting Colossus’s phone call.

Wade takes full advantage of the snuggles and feels around in a few of Nate’s pouches. It’s so easy to disguise it as groping that his beautiful man never even notices.

In Nate’s defense, Wade’s always had light fingers.

“Quit grabbing my ass,” Nate says patiently. 

Wade gets hold of one of Nate’s little hockey puck bombs and smacks a kiss to his cheek. “Gotta keep the romance alive somehow, baby.”

That kid looked like a plot point, and Wade’s never been good at ignoring the siren call of narrative progress.

He pulls away before Nate can get annoyed enough to start paying attention and pockets the bomb.

“So what’s happening now?” Nate asks Colossus, eyeing him the same way Scott eyes Wade sometimes.

Colossus sighs. “There was incident.”

“Oh, don’t tell him that!” Wade flaps his hand at Colossus. He needs to figure out a way out of this so he can follow that skulky weird kid and see what his deal is.

“What kind of incident?” asks Nate like Wade isn’t even there, which, rude.

Colossus hesitates, and if Wade was really shitty he would mention the strangling from last night. But he’s got _just_ enough decency to bite his tongue. “Wade closed garage and turned cars on last night. Scott found him early this morning.”

Nate looks stricken for half a second before he turns an annoyed scowl on Wade. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Because brains are hard to clean, pudding cup.” Wade’s blowing his head off in Scott’s backseat if this is the response he gets to being polite.

“I meant why are you killing yourself, you dumb shit. It’s gonna piss Vanessa off.” 

And something about that tickles Wade’s brain in a not-fun way, the way Nate speaks for Vanessa like he knows her well enough to do that. Nate loves Vanessa, but he doesn’t _know_ her. Not like Wade does. Nate hasn’t been there for the bad times, or spent the whole night in a blanket fort surrounded by snacks and bourbon because she’d gotten a Facebook friend request from her pedo uncle and neither of them could face reality until morning.

Maybe someday Nate will be able to speak Vanessa’s mind when it comes to Wade, but not yet.

“What’s a little light death between friends?” asks Wade lightly. “You can see I’m totally fine now.”

“You’re manic and you stink,” Nate says flatly. “Doesn’t look like fine to me.”

“And here I thought the future would be smellier once civilization collapsed. Gritty dystopian fiction has filled my head with artful streaks of grime, and here you and Hope are shaming me about my cancer prostate. Which you enjoy under other circumstances, so it seems a teeny bit hypocritical, Nate, I have to say.”

“Why don’t we go talk someplace?” Nate suggests. 

The last thing Wade wants to do is talk about his feelings, but Nate’s usually pretty distractible. “Sure.” He links his arm through Nate’s and waves a hearty farewell to Colossus as he drags Nate across the lawn.

As soon as they’re out of hearing range, Nate growls, “what the fuck is going on, Wade? Why the hell are you killing yourself when you just found out you’re having a kid?”

Wade can’t explain it, doesn’t even know where to start, so he shrugs. And he keeps his eyes peeled for Creepy Nathaniel. 

Nate waits for a minute and then sighs when Wade doesn’t answer. “Come home,” he says, a lot softer.

Wade glances at him. He thinks about how hard and worried Nate’s face is right now, and how he likes it better when it’s soft and open. He thinks about their huge bed at home, with the festive Halloween sheets that Vanessa will put on it soon, and the way the light in their bedroom is bright and warm, but not warm like it is over _there_ in the apartment, and how Vanessa looks in just his t-shirts. 

And then he thinks about leaving Russell here during the day with Creepy Nathaniel.

Damn, being a parent is hard.

“I wanna come home,” he says quietly. “I’ve got paperwork to make it official for Russell to be a commuter student and everything.”

That makes Nate blink his eye. One of these days Wade’s gonna poke his glowy one and see what happens. “Then what the fuck are you waiting for? Go pack your shit.”

“Yeah, but see, I spotted this creepy little motherfucker just before you got here, and he’s making my spidey-senses all tingly.”

“Your what?”

“Never mind, Disney’s never gonna let that crossover happen. Point is, this kid is sketchy. Wanna stalk him with me?”

Nate stares at him. “You want me to help you stalk a kid.”

“Yeah! You have no problem killing children! This should be an easy one for you.” Wade smiles helpfully.

Nate closes his eyes like Wade’s physically hurting him. Which is ridiculous, because Wade’s never once been able to land a serious blow when they’ve fought. “Why do you think this kid is trouble?” he asks after a ten-second pause.

“Besides the fact that he fits the FBI profile for an active shooter? There’s just something off about him. You know when someone’s up to some shit.”

Nate sighs heavily. “Okay. Let’s check the kid out.”

“Yes!” Wade has to crouch a little to rest his head on Nate’s shoulder for nuzzles, but the fondly exasperated look he gets from Nate is worth it.

“So where did you last see him?” Nate’s scanning the lawn, studying groups of kids with a disinterested look that badly covers the sharply alert way he holds himself.

“You should relax your shoulders some,” Wade tells him. “Look less like you’re about to pull your guns that I know you have hidden somewhere.”

Nate scowls. “I’m not good at that undercover pretend shit.”

“You’re really not. Walk with me, come on.” They take off across the lawn, Wade ambling pleasantly and Nate stalking like a pissy—yet sexy—tiger.

“He’s out here someplace?” Nate asks.

“Well, he was, but usually incels prefer a dark, warm environment that resembles their mom’s basement, so I don’t think he’ll stay outside long.” Wade scopes out the lawn and sighs. Yeah, the kid’s gone back inside. “Boys’ dormitories.”

Nate follows him like a good sport. Wade should blow him after this because it’s important to reward good behavior. They head inside and up the stairs, then down the hall to the wing where the boys are housed separately from the girls because whatever architect they called in to rebuild since the last explosion doesn’t account for queer or trans people. 

“Gender isn’t even a binary,” Wade muses as the scent of Axe gets stronger.

Nate wrinkles his nose. “No shit. What the hell is that smell?”

“Body spray mixed with come and unwashed adolescents, Nathan.”

“Fuck,” is Nate’s assessment of that.

“And that’s _with_ weekly laundry service.” Wade smirks at him. “I keep trying to start an award for weirdest thing someone stuck their dick in of the week, but it doesn’t seem to be taking off.”

Nate gives him that fondly amused look that warms Wade to his toes. “So what’s the weirdest thing this week?” he asks.

“It’s only Monday. Give them a chance. Last week it was an improperly labeled Tupperware container full of potato soup.”

“It was you, wasn’t it?” asks Nate.

“It was absolutely me.”

Nate shakes his head, but Wade catches the little curl of his lips. “So do you know a room or—?”

“Why are you lurking in the boys’ dorms like some fucking sex offenders?” asks Russell. When Wade turns, he’s leaning on the doorframe giving them an unimpressed look. “I thought Scott told you not to come in here anymore, Wade.”

“Since when do I listen to Scott? Can we come in?”

Russell rolls his eyes and retreats into his room, but he leaves the door open so they can follow him in.

His friend freezes where he’s sitting on the floor, looking like a nervous bug that can’t decide whether to curl up or skitter away. 

“Hi Evan,” says Wade, waving as he sits on Russell’s bed.

“His name’s Eric,” Russell tells him.

Wade waves that fact away. “Either of you know the new kid? The one that looks like he peeks at his sister in the shower?”

Evan opens his mouth and then shuts it, looking disturbed.

“Wade noticed something off,” says Nate gruffly. “What’d you say his name is again?”

“Creepy Nathaniel,” Wade tells him.

“Oh, him.” Evan makes a face. It’s the most personality Wade’s ever seen him show. “He is creepy. All he wants is to hang out with the teachers.”

“Well, that would make sense if we were talking about Jean,” says Wade, ignoring Nate’s unhappy noise. “Sorry, pudding cup, your mom’s hot.”

“It’s not Jean though, it’s all of them,” says Russell. “Eric overheard him muttering to himself about omega-class mutants or some shit.”

“What?” asks Nate sharply.

Wade frowns. “Now mutants have classes? This is sounding kind of eugenics-y.”

“Yep,” mutters Evan. Eric? Wade can’t remember.

“He’s a brown-nosing little shit,” Russell growls. “Fucker got me in trouble with Scott. He loves Scott.”

“Inconceivable.” Wade shakes his head. “Well, sounds like a future mad scientist to me, baby. Think we should get on that?”

“No.”

They all turn at the sound of Nate’s voice. He’s got his arms crossed and a weird, constipated look on his face. 

“Don’t think I heard that right, honeybuns,” says Wade. “Did you just say we should _not_ look into the obviously suspicious and super sketchy plot point?”

“It’s a fucked up kid,” snaps Nate. “There’s a lot of those here.”

Wade studies him, taking in the tense set of his shoulders and the strange expression he’s wearing. Something’s wrong, and he’s not telling Wade what it is. And Wade is so tired of secrets and bullshit and being handled with the kid gloves. 

He never expected it from Nate. Hurts more than he thought it would.

But he rallies. “So you think I’m imagining things?” he asks. It comes out more plaintive than he planned.

Nate’s face softens. “No,” he says. “I don’t think you’re imagining things at all. But I think you’re bored. I think it’s been too long since you’ve been out on a job. You’re not meant to sit on your ass doing nothing here. Once you come home you can come with me and Domino, stretch your legs.”

“You’re going home?” demands Russell.

“I’ve got paperwork coming for both of us,” says Wade, ignoring Nate’s too-tempting load of shit. “We can bodyslide in for classes and come home at night.”

“Really?” Russell’s so open with Wade; maybe he’s like this with other people, but Wade doesn’t think he lets himself be that raw and needy too often.

“Yeah.” Wade forces a smile. 

“Sucks you won’t be around as much,” mumbles Evan, but Wade can’t save everyone.

“I can still hang out after school,” Russell tells him. Maybe they do have something in common.

Wade can’t look at Nate. “You sure can,” he tells Russell. “We can work out a curfew or something.”

“Won’t be hard to do,” says Nate with a smile.

That smile goes through Wade like a piece of rebar through the ribs. Feels about the same, too. It’s funny how Wade never noticed how fast he started to trust Nate, or just how much he came to believe in the guy. Or how he’d assumed it was mutual.

“I’m looking at next week,” says Wade. When Nate frowns at him, he thinks fast. “That gives us time to pack all our shit and ease into it, right? Slow and steady, that’s how to do it.”

“You’re being weird,” says Russell.

“I’m always weird, buddy.” Wade grins. “Well, sorry to interrupt whatever you boys were doing. We’ll go back to the old people part of the mansion now. Nate needs his prune juice, you see.”

“Fuck you, Wade,” says Nate easily.

Wade plasters the grin on his face and gives Russell and Even a parade wave. “Let’s leave the young ones in peace, Nathan,” he says brightly, and flees out the door.

And right into Scott. “You aren’t supposed to be here,” he says, crossing his arms.

“I’m visiting Russell, Scott, surely you wouldn’t want anyone to interfere with a father seeing his kid? Great, good, cool. Bye!” Wade pushes past him.

“Scott.” Nate sounds cautious. 

“Nathan.” Wade turns back at the startled, pleased way Scott says his name. The two of them stop and face each other without talking for a long minute.

Brain footsie. Maybe Nate’s telling Scott what he’s not telling Wade about Creepy Nathaniel. Who Wade is definitely still planning to hunt down. 

Time to use his ninjitsu.

He’s more than a little insulted that Nate forgets how good Wade is when he’s motivated. After all, Wade doesn’t remember anyone _else_ being able to get the big fucking gun out of Nate’s hands. But if Nate wants to talk to Daddy after breaking Wade’s heart, then that’s fine. Wade can get to the bottom of this on his own.

He decides to creep down to the teachers’ lounge in case the kid’s skulking there. They never let him have coffee, which is rude, but he can claim he’s going for a glass of water. The corridors are mostly deserted at this time of the afternoon, the kids gone off to the dormitories or the fun parts of the grounds now that classes are ended. Wade can barely keep track of the hours. It’s not like he teaches, so he gets to rattle around the mansion like the Phantom of the fucking Opera. He’s ugly enough that it fits.

Sure enough, there’s the little incel now. Ostensibly looking at his phone, but he’s tense and alert as he sits across the hall from the door to the lounge. For all that he’s good at skulking, he’s not trained. He’d have noticed Wade by now if he was, because Wade’s being sloppy on purpose. There are plenty of organizations that will hire and train kids younger than Creepy Nathaniel here to do their dirty work. Hell, who knows how many children Francis sold during the years he was in business. Not like Wade ever found any evidence that he had qualms about working on kids. 

But this doesn’t look like that. This kid is twitchy without actually being observant. Either that or he’s so good he’s ignoring Wade and making it look like he hasn’t noticed. Wade sneaks a little bit closer, wanting to see if he can get a look at the phone—

The door to the teachers’ lounge opens. Storm, Beast, and Jean step out, pausing their conversation as they spot Wade stalking a teenager on school property.

Shit.

Wade does the only thing he can think of to do. He runs.

—

Nate went home without him. That’s okay, it makes the lecture from Jean a lot more tolerable. 

She’s starting to wind down after only about twenty minutes of chewing him out, which must mean she’s going soft on him because of Nate. That would have warmed Wade’s cancer-ridden heart a day ago, but now it just aches. 

He needs a cigarette. 

“Do you understand me? If I see you doing anything that looks like threatening a student, you have to go. Tell me you understand that, Wade.”

He decides to take one out and light it. “I hear you, Jean.”

“You’re not supposed to be smoking in here!”

“I have stage four cancer in my bones, Mama. It’s these or opioids, now shut the fuck up or get out.” Wade takes a long drag and closes his eyes. The ritual of smoking relaxes him as much as the weed does. 

“Is that marijuana?” Jean asks quietly.

“Want me to lie?” he shoots back. “It’s pain management, and no one knows I have it.” That’s not true. Russell knows, but Russell’s no snitch.

It’s late. He managed to evade Jean and Nate for a few hours before Nate gave up and Jean tracked him down. Wade had to miss dinner to keep ahead of them, but he’s got snacks hidden around his room. He’ll be fine.

“I can’t believe you’re bringing that into the school,” she says, shaking her head.

Wade ignores her and pulls out his phone. Aw, Nate’s been texting him since he got home. An array of adorable old man grammar and emojis are waiting for him, along with some dirty texts about that sex bet Wade’s already forgotten about.

He deletes them.

Jean’s still standing there when he looks up, biting her lip in a useless kind of way. “Is there something you want to talk about?” she asks haltingly.

It’s the first time she’s offered him shit, and Wade might be touched if he was a less cynical man. “I’ve got some opinions on the latest Star Wars movie, now that you mention it.”

Her face does the thing Nate’s does when he thinks something’s funny but also that he shouldn’t laugh. “I meant more about this galaxy, not one that’s far far away.”

Wade snorts. “I’ve got a bad feeling about that Nathaniel kid. Something’s off.”

Jean looks disappointed. “Nathan said you were suspicious of him. I promise, we take the safety of our students very seriously here. You know that.”

Nate told her. Nate talked to her about Wade’s suspicions. Did he frame them as PTSD jitters or did he just let Jean assume that Wade's nuts? The cigarette dangles precariously from Wade’s fingers and only Jean’s exclamation keeps him from dropping it and burning a hole in the rug.

He feels a little like he’s back in the oxygen deprivation chamber, heart pounding too hard and desperate to get a breath. His chest hurts, the enormity of Nate’s betrayal growing like one of his tumors. Deadly. Malignant.

Breathing is something they teach you in the military. In for four seconds, hold, then out again for four seconds. It gets his heart back down to normal levels, although his limbs still feel cold and shaky.

“Are you alright?” Jean asks sharply. She’s leaning over him when he focuses.

“He’s lying,” whispers Wade. “He’s hiding something and he doesn’t want me looking into that kid.”

Jean stiffens. “That’s a pretty serious accusation, Wade,” she says in a low voice. Warning him not to malign her precious baby.

Wade shakes his head. “I know,” he says miserably. “But that’s what happened.”

She hugs herself. “I’m sure he didn’t—”

And Wade has to laugh. “So you’re gonna tell me I’m wrong too,” he says. “Okay, wow, not sure what I expected. Thanks for that.”

“Wade, I’m not—”

“No, no,” he tells her, holding up a hand. “By all means, defend your bouncing baby boy. I get it. It’s _fine._ ”

Jean looks torn and kind of hurt, which is hilarious because no one’s telling _her_ she’s crazy. Wade can’t wait for the Dark Phoenix storyline to start so she’ll get a taste of how it feels to have everyone treat you like an unpredictable monster. “I appreciate you wanting to make sure the students are safe,” she says, with the air of a woman grasping at straws. “I just think there’s proper procedures to follow. And that means no following students around to question them in the hall.”

“This just in, teacher at regularly exploding school ignores report of suspicious behavior,” says Wade in his best newscaster voice. He takes a deep drag on his cigarette. “Eyewitness reports say something about a domestic dispute in which Summers Family Bullshit played a starring role—”

“Enough,” growls Jean, and Wade can feel the power behind her words. “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Nathan, but don’t imply that I don’t take the safety of these kids seriously.”

“Then let me look into it,” snaps Wade. “I take the safety of _my_ kid seriously.”

Her nostrils flare as she stares down at him. “I’ll talk to the boy,” she finally says. “If I see anything in his mind that’s truly suspicious, we’ll move. Is that acceptable?”

Wade nods. “Thanks.”

“But no more following him around. I mean it. Let the X-Men handle this.” She gives him one last look as she heads for the door. “You should talk to Nathan,” she tells him softly, and then she’s gone.

Wade laughs to himself in the silence of his room. Talk to Nate, sure. Ask why he’s going around making sure his parents and other responsible adults don’t believe Wade when he comes to them for help. That’s gaslighting, Nathan. Wade’s read Vanessa’s psychology books too.

No one ever said the stages of the Kübler-Ross Model were linear. Wade thinks he’s gone from depression to anger. That’s okay; he’s demonstrated before that he never quite makes it into acceptance. He went back and unkilled Vanessa, after all. Hell, he’s still depressed over his face, so fuck clinical models of grief. Wade will wallow if he wants to.

He digs out a pack of unicorn Pop-Tarts and takes a bite. Sugary goodness flavored vaguely like unicorns isn’t quite enough to make the world seem nicer again, but it doesn’t hurt. And it does help with the urge to bodyslide back to their house and put a bullet in Nate’s lying skull while he sleeps in Wade’s bed next to Wade’s girl.

It’s possible he’s overreacting.

—

There are twenty-five texts on his phone when he wakes up around ten the next morning. He’s missed most of the early classes and he forgot to brush his teeth, so they feel like fuzzy little animals in his mouth. Wade runs his tongue over them, frowning as he ponders the implications of having fuzzy little animals in his mouth, and what kind he would want if that was even possible.

Otters, he decides, and then groans when he sees that most of the texts are from Nate.

He deletes them without looking. Wade doesn’t want to play pretend with Nate right now.

But he does look at the three from Ness. The first one says, _heard you had a bad day, baby. I love you and I miss you,_ and has a picture of her boobs attached. Wade smiles at that. The next one says, _call me when you get a chance. wanna talk about colors for the nursery._ And the third just says, _I think I’m gonna veto the name Cher._

Wade groans and lets his head flop back. He was mostly joking about Cher, really. Without looking, he texts back, _thoughts about Dolly or Taylor or Bea? Or what about Batthew?_ He actually has to look up and fix the spelling of Batthew, because his phone doesn’t appreciate his genius.

When Ness doesn’t respond right away, he fucks around making an angry breakup list on Spotify, debating between the merits of Heart or Adele. Because while it’s true that they could have had it all, it’s also a fact that if looks could kill, Nate would be in for a world of pain. Wade pushes his lips out in a thoughtful pout and adds both songs, along with some Celine, because Canadian loyalty.

He’s laying on his back on who knows what round of shuffle play when Colossus opens his door without knocking.

“You would feel really embarrassed if I was masturbating right now,” Wade tells him without sitting up. On his phone, Cher keeps singing about believing in life after love.

“You did not come out of your room all day,” Colossus says softly. “I got worried when I did not see you at dinner.”

“Jean say anything to you?” Wade asks.

“About what?” Colossus frowns.

That answers that. Wade sits up. “About that creepy little fucker skulking around the school doing shit that Nate wants to keep under wraps, that’s what. I told her last night that he was sketchy and she said she’d look into it.”

Colossus looks troubled. “She did not say anything to me, no. If she found nothing, Wade, then perhaps you are overre—”

“ _Don’t_ tell me I’m crazy, Colossus!” Wade clenches his fists. “I can’t handle that shit from you too.”

Surprise flickers across those shiny features. “I will never tell you you are crazy, Wade,” he says after a minute.

Wade swallows around a lump in his throat. He’s gonna pretend it’s a tumor, because he hates crying. He only cries at movies and when Ness died, and he definitely isn’t ready to be this emotionally vulnerable in front of Colossus.

Colossus steps into the room and closes the door behind him. “Come, Wade. I have not seen you like this since Vanessa was gone,” he says softly. “You take shower and then tell me about this boy and why you are suspicious.”

Wade blinks. “What’s with everyone making me shower before they’re willing to talk to me?” 

“I cannot speak for others, but I am asking because you have soiled yourself,” says Colossus delicately.

Wade looks down and shrugs. “Happens to everyone, am I right?” he asks as he crawls out of bed and heads for the bathroom.

“Not really,” Colossus tells him, but Wade’s not going to listen to that kind of negativity.

He hates admitting it, but he does feel better after he showers. Wade steps out of the bathroom fresh as a daisy with a towel around his waist. “So this kid,” he says, ignoring the way Colossus looks away quickly and hands him a robe. “I wanna know when he started and when people started noticing how creeptastic he was.”

“We do get many disturbed children here, Wade,” Colossus says fairly.

“I know, they’re the only ones that like me.” Wade rolls his eyes. “Are you telling me you can’t spot the difference between a future terrorist and a kid that needs therapy?”

Colossus sighs. “That is not what I am saying. He is new, this boy. Started last week. He is having trouble fitting in. Like Russell.”

Wade would be offended, but his kid was literally thirty seconds from becoming a supervillain, so he guesses that’s fair. “Antisocial behavior plus bad hygiene. Not gonna make anyone popular.”

“You were sitting here in wet pants,” Colossus points out.

“People already hate me, big guy. I don’t waste the effort. So back to the point. This kid.”

“His full name is Nathaniel Essex,” Colossus tells him. “I do not know where he came from before arriving here.”

“Who does know?” asks Wade.

Colossus hesitates. “Jean, most likely.”

“Nathaniel Essex....I feel like that name means something. Maybe if the author wasn’t making me pretend I’ve never read the comics I would have a better idea of the significance of who we’re dealing with,” Wade muses. 

“What do you mean?” asks Colossus politely.

“Oh, nothing.” Wade glances at his phone and sees a bunch of missed calls and texts. He hasn’t been this popular in years. As much as he hates giving Ryan Reynolds credit for anything, the guy sells him well. Ness goes from saying no to Batthew and maybe to Bea (interesting) and progresses into annoyance and finally worry. 

He doesn’t bother looking at Nate’s texts. 

The phone rings in his hand and he blinks as Vanessa’s name comes up. He gives Colossus a guilty look and answers it. “Hi baby.”

“What did he do?” she asks flatly.

“Hm?” Wade really didn’t want to drag her into any of their nonsense.

“Nate. What did he do? He’s doing that sad puppy thing he does when he’s not sure how he fucked up, and you aren’t answering any of my texts, so he’s messed something up big time. What did he do, Wade?”

Wade sits down heavily in Colossus’s lap. “There’s a weird kid here at the school and Nate told me not to stalk him.”

“Wade!” Colossus tries to shove him off, so Wade hooks his arm around his neck and clings like a limpet.

“He was weird enough you were stalking him?” Vanessa asks, ignoring the sounds of the struggle.

“He’s off. You can just tell. Weird eugenics boner, too, and you know how I feel about that—stop struggling, let it happen,” he tells Colossus, who sighs and gives up.

“Sounds exactly like the kind of weirdo you want wandering around a school full of mutants,” Vanessa agrees. 

“Exactly! Especially our flammable son. So I was gonna creep on him a little, figure out what his deal is, and Nate told me it was nothing!” Maybe Wade gets a little shrill. “Said I’m probably bored cooped up here.”

Vanessa gets very quiet for a long time. Then she says, “look into the kid. I will deal with Nathan.”

Something Wade didn’t know was hurting immediately eases. “I love you,” he breathes.

“I love you too. Now stop torturing Colossus and get to work.”

Wade makes obnoxious kissy noises into the phone until he gets her to laugh, and then hangs up. “She believes me!” he says happily.

“I heard,” Colossus tells him. “You had conversation on my lap.”

Wade plants one on his cheek. Not much give there. Interesting. Then he hops up. “Come on. Let’s get the baby lesbians on the case with us. It’s time to put on my detective hat.”

“That is Pikachu hat.”

“It’s _meta._ ” Wade adjusts his hat and puts on some real clothes because (and this is a direct quote from Scott) “walking around the halls in your Hello Kitty underwear is inappropriate.” Whatever.

They find Negasonic and Yukio in the tv room on the couch; Negasonic is sprawled out with Yukio’s feet resting on her lap and they’re watching an episode of She-Ra.

“Hey girls,” says Wade, stepping in front of the tv, “wanna help me with something?”

Negasonic picks up the remote and turns up the volume.

“Hi Wade!” Yukio waves at him.

“Hi Yukio! Wanna help me?”

“With what?” she asks as Negasonic keeps turning up the volume until it’s deafening.

“NTW, please,” says Colossus.

She huffs and turns off the tv. “We get one night a week to binge this show,” she tells Wade. “This better not be some stupid prank you want to play on Scott.”

“All my pranks on Scott are hilarious, up to and including the fact that I fucked his son. No, this is actually something serious.”

She crosses her arms. “I’m listening.”

“Creepy ass kid who came out of nowhere with a weird penchant for omega-level mutants. Sound like someone we want roaming the halls with vulnerable students?” asks Wade.

Yukio frowns. “Wait. Do you mean the new kid?”

“Creepy Nathaniel? Yeah, him.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen him around,” says Negasonic. “But I was gone last weekend.”

“He looks like the visual representation of how a come-filled tube sock smells,” Wade tells her helpfully.

Her lip curls in disgust. “Why are you like this?”

“I like your hat,” Yukio tells him.

“Thank you, Yukio, that’s so sweet. So. What do you know about the littlest incel?”

She wrinkles her nose thoughtfully. It’s adorable. “He likes to clean the teachers’ lounge. I’ve seen him take people’s dishes away to wash.”

“He could be gathering DNA,” suggests Negasonic.

“DNA must be stored frozen,” Colossus points out.

“There’s a freezer in the lounge,” says Yukio.

They look at each other.

“Field trip!” says Wade.

—

“You really don’t have to roll,” Negasonic tells him.

“I really do, Justin Beiber,” he says, dusting off his hat where it fell off in his latest spectacular roll.

Yukio steps over him to open the door to the teachers’ lounge. “Come on.”

They follow her in, and when Colossus pulls the door shut Wade flips on the light. It makes them all squint. 

“Warn people!” hisses Negasonic.

Wade ignores her and goes to the freezer, pushing Lean Cuisines and Amy’s vegan meals aside. Most of them, he’s pleased to see, are labeled with his lovely velcro. Even Jean’s, so he thoughtfully doesn’t toss her frozen lasagna on the floor where Scott’s quinoa bowl is currently sitting.

When nothing incriminating is immediately visible, he starts ripping open any box that’s not completely fresh and sealed. Finally, in a mostly untouched Skinny Cow box, is a plastic bag. Wade pulls it out and narrows his eyes. Inside are individually packaged plastic vials, all labeled with numbers that presumably act as some kind of code.

He’ll be rubbing this in Jean’s face forever.

“Oh my god,” whispers Yukio. 

The lights go out. Wade screams.

When they come back on, Creepy Nathaniel is standing by the door. “I see you found those,” he says. “I’ll need them back.”

“Who _are_ you?” snarls Negasonic.

Creepy Nathaniel blinks. “I am who I say I am,” he answers cryptically. “The vials, please.”

“Oh my god, he thinks we’re really gonna hand them over. That’s precious.” Wade looks around. “What, no one else thinks that’s precious? Tell me you got some of mine, buddy. I made it real easy if you checked the soap dispensers in the staff bathroom.”

The kid’s lip curls in disgust. “I have absolutely no use for a mutate, fascinating though your regeneration is.”

Rude. Wade pulls out the gun he’d been keeping in his waistband. “First you refuse to steal my DNA, then you insult me in weirdly racist terms. I suffered to look this good, asshole.”

“I know,” says Creepy Nathaniel. “I funded Ajax’s research.”

All the breath leaves Wade at once. “You what?” he whispers, keeping the little freak in his crosshairs.

“And I ran the orphanage where you picked up your little firebug.”

“Firefist,” Wade corrects weakly. This can’t be real. None of it can be real.

“You are not old enough to do this,” growls Colossus.

Creepy Nathaniel laughs. “I am ageless, Colossus. And you would be surprised how easy it is for a man to look sixteen.” 

“That’s what the Republicans say when they get caught with teenage prostitutes,” Wade snaps. “Tell me who the fuck you are!”

“No, I don’t think so.” Creepy Nathaniel is starting to look less like a creepy teen and more like a grown ass creepy man. His face _shifts,_ and it’s the freakiest thing Wade’s seen since the first time he amputated his own foot. “I would like my samples though.”

Wade empties the clip into him. It takes the space between heartbeats, but none of the bullets land. The fucker holds up a hand and stops them in midair. 

“I’m disappointed,” he says. “You live with the time-traveler, don’t you? You should know telekinesis can always stop a bullet.”

“I live in hope,” Wade growls, because Nate _knew._ Nate knew exactly who this little bastard was and he was willing to fuck the X-Men and Wade both to let him get away. 

But why?

There isn’t time to worry about that now, because Creepy Nathaniel sends a blast of something straight at them and Wade has to put himself between Yukio and the wall. They slam into it and he feels several somethings crunch as he slides down to the floor, groaning.

“You okay?” he pants at Yukio. That’s his spine broken.

She nods, pushing her hair back and looking back at Creepy Nathaniel.

“Hey fuckface!” Oh no. 

“ _Russell,_ ” Wade whispers helplessly as Russell stands in the doorway, hands glowing ominously. 

“Did I hear that right? You’re behind that piece of shit orphanage?”

Creepy Nathaniel snorts. “Basic. Boring. I’ve seen a dozen firebugs and you’re no different. Threaten to burn me, boy. See what good it does.”

Russell’s face twists as he hurls a fireball. Wade has to give it to him, it’s a damn good throw.

Creepy Nathaniel freezes it halfway to him. “I did warn you,” he sighs, and looks at Wade.

Aw, hell. Wade hates being burned. He weakly shoves at Yukio, needing her to move, because Negasonic will kick his ass if he gets her girlfriend hurt.

Yukio, bless her, gives him a broken-hearted look as she scrambles off him. Wade has a second to be thankful for that before the fireball connects and he bursts into flame.

Distantly, he hears screaming, but it’s possible it’s just him. Russell’s fire is hot enough to melt his poly-blend shirt into his skin within seconds, and he’s a little busy trying to claw it off. 

Did he mention burning alive _hurts?_

And then it stops, which is a nice relief but also _he can’t breathe._ He opens his mouth on instinct, trying for air even though his skin is raw and crispy—

“ _Get the hell away from him_ ,” snarls Nate, and the telekinesis-induced vacuum around him breaks, letting him gasp and writhe as air hits his freshly charred body.

What the fuck is Nate doing here? Wade sees Creepy Nathaniel turn toward him with a delighted grin.

“Nathan Summers,” he says with a grim kind of satisfaction. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“You need to leave here and stay the fuck away from the X-Men.” Nate’s got the big gun. He’s staring down the sight as coldly as Wade’s ever seen him. “I don’t want to see you or hear from your depraved ass ever again, Sinister.”

Sinister. Stupid name, even by mutant standards. Wade wiggles his fingers, moans a little as his extra crispy skin breaks, and reaches for the gun he always keeps on his ankle.

“I hear you have a daughter,” Sinister’s telling Nate. “They talk about everything so freely in the staff areas. Is it true she’s at home now with only your human woman to guard her?”

Wade gets his hand on the gun, fingers slippery with blood.

Nate still doesn’t shoot the fucker. “You would regret that,” he tells Sinister grimly.

“Won’t get the chance,” Wade rasps, and fires.

Turns out telekinesis is only good for stopping bullets if you’re paying attention. Sinister jerks as the bullet goes in his back, and Wade has half a second to watch Nate’s face go slack with horror before the fucker hits the floor.

“ _No!_ ” Nate screams, and then he’s gone.

Just like that. No fancy special effects, transporter shimmers. No turning to dust in the Snapture. One second Nate’s there and the next there’s a blank space where he’d been standing.

Wade sits up.

“Where’d he go?” demands Russell, high-pitched and scared.

Colossus lets go of Negasonic and Yukio. He looks as frightened as Russell sounds.

There are footsteps outside, and the full crew of X-Men are suddenly in the doorway, suited up.

“You took the time to change?” Russell yells at them. “Something happened to Cable!”

Jean’s at the front of the pack, and she casts around the room with a horrified expression. “Colossus, tell me what happened.”

“Wade was right,” is the first thing out of Colossus’s mouth, and Wade should kiss him, he really should, only he’s dragging himself over to the spot where Nate used to be and staring at the empty patch of floor. He doesn’t listen to the rest of the exposition, because he’s got a growing sinking feeling he knows what happened.

“Fuck,” he breathes. He did this. Nate’s gone because of him and it feels just like Vanessa all over again—

Scott yells at him as he puts the gun under his chin, but he’s not fast enough to stop Wade from pulling the trigger.

And then he’s swimming, pushing through the water as fast as he can because he’s got to _know—_

Heaven doesn’t look like his old apartment anymore, it looks like home, the home the three of them were making together. Wade lands in the living room and sees the weird shimmery barrier to the other side blocking the kitchen. When he steps up to it, Nate’s not there drinking coffee like he does in the mornings, in Wade’s t-shirts and rolled-up sweats with his hair all ruffled and his cold bare feet.

And that’s when Wade collapses against the wall, sobbing in relief because he didn’t kill him. And more importantly, he can fix it.

He comes to with a stinging slap and gasps, head snapping to the side. The burns are healing, he can tell from the itch, and he has a bitch of a headache.

“ _Where is he?_ ” Jean snarls into his face.

“Slap him again and I don’t care what you can move with your mind because I will put you on your ass,” growls Vanessa, and Wade blinks stupidly because Ness isn’t supposed to be here.

“Ness?” He sits up, grimacing at the sticky brains and skull fragments mushed into the back of his head. She’s standing in the corner of the room with her arms around Russell, wearing her mom jeans and one of Wade’s theater hoodies. “How did you get here?”

“Bodyslid,” she says, and now that she’s not mad anymore he can hear the tremor in her voice. “Wade, Hope’s gone.”

Yeah, she would be if Nate is. Wade closes his eyes. Fucking Nate. He’s broken Wade’s heart twice this week and now Wade’s gonna have to go save him anyway.

“Nickelback,” he decides as he digs a bit of melted plastic out of his chest.

“What?” Jean makes a disgusted face as he flicks the remains of his shirt at her.

“Nickelback. That’s what I’m making your dumbass son play for his boombox apology. He’s gonna have to say sorry in front of people for this one.”

“I’m pretty sure _you’re_ the one who made _him_ disappear,” says Jean in a low voice.

“Hey Russell,” Wade calls, ignoring her, “remember when the bear turned white?”

Russell’s round, pale face creases in confusion, and then lights up. “Fuck. You gotta go back in time.”

“Bingo. Who wants to help me up? My spinal injury was interrupted by being broiled and I can’t walk yet.”

Colossus slips an arm around Wade’s waist, wincing in sympathy as Wade groans. He sets him back down a second later.

“Maybe we should wait,” he says, wiping his hand discreetly on his pants.

“Oh man, did my skin come off? That explains the itching,” sighs Wade.

Ness lets go of Russell and crosses the room to kneel next to Wade. He reaches for her and she takes his hand, making a face at the texture. “This is a real cocksucking mess, isn’t it?” she asks softly.

Wade nods glumly. “Fuck this author. This is almost as depressing as comics canon.”

Ness doesn’t respond, just reaches over to help him pick bits of his shirt out of his skin. Goes a lot faster with two.

“I’m gonna get him back, Ness,” Wade tells her.

She glances up before digging her nails in and getting the big chunk of shirt that was bugging him. “I know.”

“Throw that at Jean for me, would you?” asks Wade, breathing through the pain as the skin starts to heal again. “She’s on my shitlist for aiding and abetting Nate’s bullshit.”

Ness looks down at the bloody chunk and then hurls it at Jean.

“Oh my god,” Jean hisses in disgust, stopping it and directing it to the trash. “What is wrong with the two of you?”

“Childhood trauma,” Vanessa answers.

“Systematic abuse,” Wade agrees. He looks down at his feet and says very seriously, “wiggle your big toe.”

Ness glances at his foot. “I hate to be that bitch, but we’re on a tighter timeline than Uma.”

“It’s true. Don’t suppose you know where he stashed the time turner?” He hopes to god it wasn’t in one of Nate’s fanny packs.

“His office,” says Vanessa instantly. “I’ll go look. Russell, you come too. Help me. Colossus?”

“Yes?” he asks.

She grabs him and plants a hard kiss on his mouth. “I underestimated you. Take care of him.”

“Hot,” says Wade faintly.

“Bodyslide by two,” Vanessa says, a little too loud, and she and Russell slide away in a flash.

“She kissed me,” says Colossus stupidly.

“Yeah. It was super weird.” Negasonic makes a face.

Jean looks like she’s gonna pop. Wade helpfully tosses another piece of shirt at her. This time it connects.

—

It takes Ness about an hour to bodyslide back with Nate’s time turner, and in that time Wade’s skin has grown back shinier and more disgusting than before. He passes the time by trying to get Negasonic to touch it.

“You’re so gross,” she mutters, rolling her eyes when Wade wiggles his fingers at her. “Thanks for saving Yukio.”

“What’s a little combustion between friends?” he asks. Colossus helped him get dressed earlier, still blushing and refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Wade would make fun of him, but he knows exactly what Vanessa’s kisses are capable of.

“Found it!” Ness says as she and Russell slide in. Wade stares.

She’s dressed in dark pants with one of Nate’s combat vests over a black t-shirt and she’s packing at least five guns. Wade forgot he even had a Browning at home.

“Baby,” he says politely, “what the fuck?”

“We’re going to get Nate,” she says with a shrug, and tosses his suit at him.

“Um, you’re pregnant,” he points out.

“I’m very aware of that.” She wiggles the time turner at him. “But don’t ask me to sit this one out, Wade. You took Dopinder to fight the Juggernaut, so I’m coming to get our family back.”

Wade opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.

“I’m coming too,” says Russell. He looks at Vanessa. “I can protect you, like I protected Wade in prison.”

“Jesus Christ,” mutters Wade, rubbing his temple. Is this how Nate feels when Wade says unbelievably stupid shit? 

“If something happens, Wade, you go back and you fix it,” says Vanessa seriously. “I’ll do the same for you. But I am sick and fucking tired of sitting at home while you and Nate go save the world. I know how to shoot a gun and I know how to stay down if the shit gets heavy.”

“I know you can,” Wade whispers. How does he explain to her that he _needs_ her safe when he goes out? He _needs_ her to be waiting for him when he comes home. “You did everything right before.”

It hangs for a second between them, and then she steps in close and slips her arms around him until all he can see and smell and feel is her. “Baby,” she whispers, “I love you, and I understand, but I have to do this.” She takes his face between her hands. “You can’t bench your best player, coach. Who’s better at keeping you from doing dumb shit than me?”

Wade has to admit that’s a fair point.

She kisses his forehead and straightens up. “So when do we wanna go back to? Will three turns do it, or should we start further back?” Her eyes narrow as she goes over options.

Wade looks down at the device. “We won’t need to go far.”

“Hours then,” she decides. 

“Steal the samples he’s been keeping so when he gets away he can’t take them with,” says Wade.

Vanessa bites her lip. “Anyone else uncomfortable with what Nate disappearing from the timestream implies about this guy’s involvement in his conception?”

“Oh yeah,” Wade agrees. “About as uncomfortable as knowing the same guy funded Francis and therefore is also responsible for me.”

Ness’s face twists unhappily and she nods. “And Russell’s orphanage,” she muses. “This guy has his fingers in all the pies, doesn’t he?”

“Seems to. It’s really too bad I can’t shoot him,” sighs Wade.

“I know, baby.” Ness pats him reassuringly. “Don’t worry, I have ways of making Nate talk after this is over. We’ll figure it out.”

“Can you stop talking about your weird sex stuff?” asks Russell. “It’s bad enough I can hear Wade when you fuck.”

“What’s worse, hearing me getting railed or listening to twenty underage boys jerk off under the covers?” asks Wade.

“I’m used to that.”

Ness snorts. “Should we get this show on the road?”

“Vanessa.” Colossus stops in the doorway to Wade’s room, and if Wade isn’t mistaken, that is a flush spreading across his metal cheeks. That’s freaking adorable. “This mutant. He is powerful. And I heard him threaten you in order to control Wade. Please, be careful.” He glances at Wade. 

Wade could kiss him, but he’s pretty sure the guy would have a heart attack and die. Colossus is amazing. Shiny, kind, and one of the best people Wade’s ever known. Little rigid morally, but god does Wade love him.

“I brought you this,” Colossus tells Ness, handing her a hideous yellow uniform. “Is X-Man invention, good for protection.”

“And it only comes in yellow?” Ness asks. 

“Sadly yes. Jean told me to give you hers.”

Ness holds it up. “This isn’t great for stealth,” she tells him.

“But is great for absorbing impact. Sinister can use concussive blast like Negasonic. This will protect you and baby.”

Ness lowers the uniform and gives Colossus a slow smile. “You’re so sweet. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re angling to make me kiss you again.”

Colossus stutters out a negative, and it’s so cute Wade wants to pinch his cheeks. “I just want you safe,” he finally mumbles.

Maybe Nate’s apology can include an orgy with Colossus. Wade thinks this might be fair after Nate lied to him and got himself erased from the timestream as a direct result of not sharing important information with the class.

Vanessa makes a face at the uniform, but takes it into the bathroom to change.

Russell’s hopping from one foot to the other, flexing his hands. “He’s not getting the jump on me again,” he says in explanation when he catches Wade staring at him. “This time I’m ready.”

“Don’t hurt yourself, kid,” says Wade. “What I need is to figure out exactly when to go back so I cause the least interference in the timestream. Steal the samples. Avoid the creep altogether. Don’t be like Ashton in The Butterfly Effect.”

“Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?” asks Russell.

But now Wade’s thinking. When he went back to save Ness, he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he needed to throw the cream cheese spreader, so he just relived that whole shitty day and made it less shitty. He could wait for Ness to finish changing into her superhero outfit, but people would wonder about her walking around the mansion like the world’s sexiest highlighter. 

Wade sighs and twists the device. Russell doesn’t have time to more than yell before Wade’s back in his room, staring down at a smelly, surprised version of himself.

“Did you kill Nate and feel bad?” Past Wade asks.

“Yeah, actually,” he tells himself. “But not like how you think. I’m gonna fix this, you mind just hanging out here and eating Pop Tarts for awhile?”

Past Wade chews on a lip sore until it bursts. “I mean, I could. Should I help or something?”

“Nah, I got this.” Wade makes a face. “We really do stink like piss.” He heads for the door.

“Did he ever apologize?” Past Wade asks before Wade can step into the hall.

Wade glances back. “I sort of shot the guy responsible for making sure he’s born before he could. Creepy Nathaniel? Way creepier than we first thought. But we can totally leverage this into getting permission to fuck Colossus, so it’s cool.”

“Well, shit,” Past Wade mutters. “You sure you don’t want me to help?”

“I mean, you could stay out of sight so they think I’m you and then cause a distraction around...” Wade checks his watch. “Like eight tonight? Something that’ll keep the X-Men from taking Creepy Nathaniel out and preventing our asshole boyfriend from being born.”

Past Wade nods. “I can do that. So how tight a timeline are you on? Because if we have time...” And he wiggles his eyebrow ridge things.

Wade bites his lip. “We are repulsive,” he says bluntly.

“We night never get this chance again,” Past Wade points out. “I can pull my Pikachu hat down over my face if it helps.”

Wade dithers. He ponders. He struggles with the temptation to do the right thing. Nate’s gone. The stakes are high. Ness would be really annoyed with him.

“Fuck it,” he says, and starts taking off his clothes.


	3. Chapter 3

I know, I know. But what did you expect? It’s-a me, Deadpool. Of course I fucked myself. Deeply. Tenderly. It’s three minutes of my life I’m never getting back.

Ultimately it was disappointing. One of us had to top. And the whole looking at each other’s faces thing made it really hard to maintain an erection. At least neither one of us took it personally. And hey! Now I can check that off the old bucket list.

Score one for Deadpool.

Now where was I?

—

Wade leaves himself in a come-drenched bed and ambles out into the halls, trying to look like he’s normal and not a time-traveler from a few hours in the future. It’s surprisingly weird to see what people were doing while he was laid out in bed contemplating the depths of Nate’s betrayal. Colossus is working out on the lawn, Jean’s coaching some kids on how to move shit with their minds, and Storm is reading Michelle Obama’s memoir in the teachers’ lounge.

Which poses a bit of a problem since he has to make off with the DNA samples that he doesn’t want anyone else to find.

Wade decides to do what he always does with the X-Men: annoy them until they leave.

“Hi Ororo!” he says loudly as he steps into the room. “Beautiful day out, isn’t it? Seems a shame to be in here with no light.”

She slowly looks up at him. “I liked the quiet,” she says mildly.

“Oh man, I know how you feel. Nothing worse than someone who never knows when to shut the fuck up, am I right?” Wade goes to the freezer and opens it. “There is a surprising amount of junk food in here, I have to say. You’re not the one eating this vegan crap, are you, Ororo?”

“No,” she says, and tries to bury herself in her book again.

“Good. That shit is terrible for the environment. And for the people who harvest the quinoa. I would think that Scott would be more thoughtful about buying into an industry so rank with human rights violations.”

“Scott isn’t vegan either.”

“No?” Wade flips the box containing the quinoa bowl around. “Then why does this have his name on it?”

Ororo stares. “Maybe he bought a quinoa bowl, Wade.”

Wade frowns. He hadn’t opened the box before when he tossed it. Slowly he looks back into the freezer. There’s a lot of food in there, all neatly labeled with his velcro labels.

All except two boxes.

“Mother of fuck,” he blurts before he can help himself, and rips the box open.

Ororo’s yell trails off into shocked silence as he pulls out a second set of vials. Finally she says, “what the hell are those?”

“Not quinoa,” Wade says. It’s dumb, but it’s all he can think of. He throws the box on the floor and grabs the shitty low fat ice cream, opening that to pull the second set of vials out. “Goddammit. You people need to clean out your fucking freezer.”

She steps closer, peering down at the vials. “Someone’s been collecting DNA samples. We have to get those into an autoclave.”

Wade feels terrible about this. “Ororo, that is a smart and sensible thing to to.” He pulls out his gun. “Can’t let you do it.” And he fires.

It doesn’t connect. The bullet goes wide as the wind shifts suddenly, and Wade remembers—belatedly—that Storm is at the top of his list of X-Men not to fuck with. Her eyes go white and the air in the room feels suddenly charged.

“Do you know what happens to a cancerous zombie when it’s struck by lightning?” she asks him.

Aw, shit. “It has to listen to throwback movie quotes?”

“The same thing that happens to everything else.” And then he’s got a fuckton of electricity coursing through his body, and it _burns,_ and he’s convulsing too hard to scream.

And then, thankfully, he blacks out.

—

The water is warm like piss. He’s not sure how he never noticed that before, but now that he’s thought it, he can’t imagine swimming through anything but piss. It’s pretty gross, but he gives up and just floats grumpily. All he wanted was to keep Ness from taking their baby into a combat situation and all he ended up accomplishing was getting fried after being barbecued. 

Fuck everything. The house is empty and he doesn’t like it, even with the warm bright light that streams in through the windows. Wade drops onto the couch and stares at the canvas hanging where Nate put it, back when he and Ness were putting the house together. It’s Ness’s favorite, the portrait of her face in stark white with blood red lips that have the words ‘I love you Wade Wilson’ scrawled across them. A client knew an artist, and she got it commissioned a few years ago. Said she wanted him to know, even if she wasn’t around to say it.

Wade never had the heart to tell her it was the most unnecessary painting in the world. He knows. He’s always known Ness loves him.

He stares at the painting until he’s pulled back, and then he comes to with a gasp. Above him, paper towels and bottles of bleach are neatly aligned on metal shelves. They stashed his corpse in a supply closet. Wade feels unaccountably offended as he kicks the door open.

A quick glance at the nearest clock tells him he’s in the shit, and he scrambles to his feet, stumbling a little. He’s got to find Past Wade because this plan is now fucked. The halls are empty. Turns out the reason for that is because everything’s going down in the kitchen this time. Storm is out cold on the floor, Jean is bleeding, Scott’s clutching his eyes, and Nate’s there shouting as Sinister hovers a few inches above the floor.

Freaky.

He gets through the doorway just in time to watch Past Wade snipe Sinister through the window.

“Goddammit,” he mutters as Nate yells and vanishes again, and reaches down to slide forward in time.

“Why the fuck would I even do that!” he demands as he lands on his bed. 

Russell blinks at him. “Did you go back and fuck it up?” he asks.

“Yes,” snaps Wade. He cranks the dial back _again._

This time he waits outside until he’s done fucking himself. God, it sounds even worse listening from the outside. He makes a face, trying not to picture what the two of him look like in there. Two avocados humping after a nuclear fallout. 

“Any regrets?” he asks himself when he steps out of the bedroom.

Past Wade (no, wait, there are three of him in play now), nay, Wade Two, blinks at him. “So many. Did I fuck up?”

“So bad. Storm was in the lounge and you tried to kill her and she smote your ruin upon the linoleum floor. And then Nate got unmade anyway.”

Wade Two winces. “Well, fuck nuggets. So what should I do?”

“Just go forward and become me. It’s fine.” Wade’s pretty sure it’s fine. Mostly. Sort of. If it’s not, that’s a problem for another time. Literally.

Wade Two shrugs. “Getting zapped by lightning sounds pretty shitty,” he says fairly, and then he’s gone.

Good. “Useless fucker,” Wade mumbles. He goes to find Russell. Getting struck by lightning _was_ pretty shitty, but not as shitty as getting quick seared because of Russell’s temper.

He finds Russell in his room playing on his phone. Evan’s nowhere to be found, but that’s perfect. “Hey, Russell,” he says, closing the door behind him. “How’s it going, kid?”

“Where the hell were you all day?” asks Russell. “I didn’t even see you at lunch.”

Wade can barely remember what he was doing earlier. It isn’t important. “Russell, listen to me. I need to tell you something, and it’s important.”

Russell finally looks up from his phone. “What?”

“When the shit goes down later, do _not_ throw a fireball, okay? I’ve already been burned alive and electrocuted today, and I don’t wanna go three for three. Can you do that?”

Russell’s brows furrow. “What shit? When’s later?” He glances down and catches sight of the time turner. His lips part in shock before he gasps, “Wade, what happens?”

“Just stay away from the teachers’ lounge, okay?” Wade demands. “I’m taking care of it.”

“If you got burned alive then you’re doing a shit job,” says Russell bluntly. “It’s Nathaniel, isn’t it? You were right about him being a terrorist freak or something.”

“Or something. Just promise me you won’t throw a fireball.” 

Russell studies his face intently. “It’s some really deep shit you’re in, isn’t it?” he asks. 

Wade nods. “Nate and Hope are both counting on me not to fuck this up,” he tells Russell. 

“You won’t,” Russell says.

“I already did.”

“Yeah, well, you fuck up a lot. But you keep trying and you get it right after awhile.” Russell shrugs. 

Wade has to swallow down the lump in his throat and reaches over to hug Russell. “Thanks,” he whispers. “I’m not gonna fuck it up this time.”

Russell pats his back. “And if you do, you can just go back in time again,” he points out cheerfully.

Wade groans. “Your pep talks suck almost as much as mine.”

“Yeah, but I’m fourteen. You’d think you’d be better at it by now.” But Russell’s smiling. “Good luck, Wade.”

“Thanks,” Wade says again. “And what was the magic word?”

“No fireballs.” Russell rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I got it.”

“Good boy.” Wade gets up. He has to go destroy some DNA samples.

This time it’s easy to clean out the freezer even though Storm in still the room. The boxes containing the DNA go in the trash under a few other things that are covered in freezer ice crust. 

“You all need to clean out your freezer more often,” says Wade decisively, feeling pretty good about accomplishing the first part of his goal. The whole thing takes about twenty minutes. 

Storm finally closes her book and gets to her feet. “Gotta run. See you around, Wade.”

And then he’s alone in the teachers’ lounge. Wade sighs, looking around at the kitchenette and the coffee pot. He probably shouldn’t have caffeine before a big fight, but food might not be a bad idea.

Healthy microwave burritos are not nearly as good as the shitty kind Wade prefers. There’s corn and shit in here; he doesn’t know how anyone can eat these things. But he suffers, because he’s got to bring his A-game when Creepy Nathaniel—or Sinister, whatever the fuck this guy calls himself—shows up.

Ultimately it’s Ness who shows up. “Wade?” she asks, standing in the doorway to the lounge like a dream. Or a nightmare, because she’s not supposed to be here. “Hey, baby.”

“Ness,” he says stupidly. “What are you doing here?” She can’t be here. Not when shit’s about to go down.

“Russell called me.” She narrows her eyes. “You wanna tell me why Nate’s doing the sad puppy thing and you’re warning Russell not to set people on fire?”

“You know, there’s actually a great explanation for that. I would love to give it to you somewhere nicer.” He gets to his feet.

Ness’s lips quirk in that knowing way she has. “What don’t you want me to see, Wade?” she asks softly when he gets close to her.

Shit. He can’t lie, not to Vanessa. “There’s this kid lurking around the school,” he says. At her concerned look, he adds, “only he’s not a kid. He’s some kind of shapeshifting multi-powered mutant who’s posing as a student.”

She studies his face. “Who else have you told about this?”

“I told Nate I had a bad feeling about him.” Wade looks down. Sure, he’s gonna save Nate from this fucko, but that doesn’t mean he’s over everything. “But baby, here’s the thing. I can’t kill this guy or else Nate disappears. And he knows that. He knows all of it, and I know that because he lied to get me to come home faster and stay out of it.”

“About two thirds of that made sense,” she tells him, looking truly concerned now. She looks down at his wrist. “You’re time-traveling.”

“Yeah. And we should get moving, because it’s after dinner, which means freakshow might just be on his way here to look for his cleverly hidden DNA samples that he’s been stealing off the staff that I threw away.”

“This is really fucked,” Ness tells him, but she lets him take her arm and steer her out of the teachers’ lounge. “Nate’s here, he’s talking to Colossus.”

“Great,” Wade mutters. “By the way, we really need to reopen the idea of sleeping with Colossus, because he’s great. I bet he’s a service top. Does he seem like a service top to you?”

“Absolutely, baby, but we should focus right now, right?” Ness is on alert now, her eyes darting around the hall to make sure they’re alone. Her arm is tense under his hand, and that’s something he’s always appreciated about Ness. She’s got some of the best survival instincts he’s ever seen. It made her death so much worse. 

Wade hears voices behind them and half turns, shielding Ness with his body before he recognizes Nate and Colossus. They’re arguing quietly, but he can hear how agitated Nate’s getting.

And suddenly he wants to kill Nate himself. How could he bring Vanessa here, knowing what he knows? Oh, they are gonna have _words_ after this.

Nate stops short when he sees them. “Vanessa,” he says. “You took off.”

“I went to find Wade, yeah,” she says, raising her chin. “What the fuck is this I’m hearing about a mutant disguising himself as a student, Nathan?”

Nate winces, and it’s exactly as satisfying as Wade hoped. “I can't explain that. You have to trust me.”

“Right.” Her voice is cold. “Like you trust us. We are getting the hell out of here, with Russell, and then you are gonna start talking, do you understand me?”

“Mutant disguised as student?” Colossus looks between the three of them. “We have to go to the professor. Now.”

“That’s the last thing we should do,” growls Nate. “I don’t like it, but we’re gonna have to let this bastard go. Trust me, he’ll be back.”

Colossus stares down at Nate. “How long did you know he was here?” he asks softly.

“I know that if we take him down now, people die,” snaps Nate. 

“You don’t die,” Wade tells him. He steps toward Nate and holds up his wrist, showing off the time turner. “You’re unmade. It’s not the same, I checked.”

Nate looks stricken. “Wade—”

“You should’ve told me,” Wade says.

Nate opens his mouth to say something, but then his expression goes cold. 

Wade whips around and sees Creepy Nathaniel standing at the end of the hallway. He puts his hands in his pockets and strolls toward them confidently, no trace of his weird skulk from earlier.

“I see you’ve figured me out,” he says, sounding unconcerned. “Pity. I was close to getting everything I wanted.” His eyes land on Nate greedily. “You’re Scott’s son.”

“Get out of this house,” Colossus warns in a low voice. “You will not get another warning.”

“Once I get my samples, I’ll gladly go,” Creepy Nathaniel tells him. “Do you mind?”

“Can’t tell me you don’t have what you need,” snaps Nate. 

“I suppose a time-traveler would know my plans,” says Creepy Nathaniel with a shrug. “That’s fine, as I have no quarrel with you today. Unless you plan to stop me?”

“Look,” snaps Wade, “can you just shut your greasy face and fuck off to your super secret lab or whatever? We are letting you go, dickbag. Take it.”

Creepy Nathaniel stares at him. “I can see why Ajax wanted to break you,” he says after a moment.

Wade’s jaw clenches so hard his teeth hurt. “He’s dead,” he says flatly. “That’s what happens to people who fuck with my family.”

“Very dramatic, but you’re blocking the hall. I’ll go as soon as I get my samples.”

“Oh yeah. About those,” says Wade.

And there’s the change he’s been waiting for. Creepy Nathaniel’s face shifts, he gets taller, and he fills out. What’s left facing them is a seriously intimidating guy, and that’s without the creepy mutant powers he’s hiding.

“What did you do with my samples?” he demands.

“Seeing as you funded Francis and his making my life literally hell, I had an ethical objection to your stealing people’s DNA,” Wade says lightly. “Guess country boys will have to make do.”

“You—” Creepy Nathaniel snarls, but stops as a distant explosion shakes the ground. “What the—?”

Oh right. Wade forgot about Past Wade and the distraction he told him to come up with. They all look out the window and see smoke rising from the kitchen in the opposite wing of the mansion.

“Oops,” says Wade.

Lightning flashes across the sky as they watch, which means Storm and the other X-Men are involved now. On the one hand, it is a distraction. On the other, getting the X-Men up in arms isn’t exactly helping.

He hears Ness yell, and when he turns away from the window, Creepy Nathaniel has her pulled tight against his chest, a syringe at her throat.

“ _No!_ ” shouts Nate, but Wade is frozen. He’s staring into Ness’s wide dark eyes and remembering the last time they’d looked so big and scared. Remembers how it felt when she stopped breathing, her blood pouring out hot over his fingers. 

“Ness,” he whispers helplessly.

“Tell me what you did with my samples.” Nathaniel looks calm, and that scares Wade most of all. Because he’s willing to kill Vanessa and it means nothing to him.

“I threw them in the trash,” Wade whispers. “They’re in the trash in the lounge. They might still be cold, it was about an hour ago.”

Nathaniel tilts his head. “Thank you,” he says, and stabs the syringe into Vanessa’s neck.

She screams, the sound raising goosebumps all over Wade’s fucked up skin, and writhes when he pushes the plunger down. Nathaniel drops her like she’s a doll and steps over her where she’s still screaming on the floor. Then he’s moving down the hall, probably to the lounge but Wade doesn’t care.

He drops to his knees and grabs Ness, pulling her into his arms and rocking her back and forth. Nate’s there a second later; he stares helplessly for a second before he picks up the syringe.

“Medical,” Nate growls, holding it up in front of his face. “This was a distraction. If we can figure out what he shot her with—”

But Wade knows that blue. He’d know it anywhere. He’d been dosed with it a dozen times between torture sessions, always with a pleasant smile that had a worrisome piece of lettuce between the front teeth. “It activates a latent X-gene,” he says over the blood pounding in his ears. Ness is still convulsing in his arms. “Hurts like hell.”

Nate’s lips part, and before Wade can think it through he’s put a fist into Nate’s face. Nate rears back, clutching his nose, and Colossus shouts his name, but Wade doesn’t care. 

“You fucking did this!” he snarls. “You with your secrets and your I-know-better-than-you shit! Does it fucking hurt, Nate? Huh? Not as bad as she’s hurting now!”

Ness grips his sleeve, hissing through her clenched teeth. Wade looks down at her, pale and sweaty with her hair plastered to her face, and wants to cry. He knows exactly how that shit burns through your veins, how it feels a lot like burning alive—

He hands Vanessa off to Colossus. “Take care of my girl. Daddy’s gotta work out some rage.”

Nate’s stumbled to his feet, nose bleeding all over his pretty face. He’s staring at Wade with wide, hurt eyes like he has any right to feel bad about the situation.

Wade charges him, sliding in past Nate’s block and landing a blow to the gut that doubles him over with a grunt. He gets a hand in that pretty silver hair and yanks, punching him twice rapidly in the face before letting him go.

Now Nate’s starting to get pissed. “Wade,” he rasps, “this isn’t just my fault.”

“You brought her here,” Wade pants. “I told you never to hurt her again and you did.”

Nate’s eye flares. “I love her.”

Wade bares his teeth. “If you loved us you wouldn’t have fucked us like this! _I trusted you with our baby!_ ”

Nate doesn’t even block the next punch. He goes down hard on his back and stares up at Wade. A bloody snot bubble bursts in his left nostril, and Wade wants to kick him until his ribs snap.

“Wade,” says Colossus urgently. “Wade, she is not well.”

Wade’s breathing hard, staring into Nate’s anguished face. “No, she won’t be well until it’s worked its way through her system,” he says distantly. “And then she’ll be fine, unless something happens to activate a latent mutation. But right now, she’s gonna feel like her veins are on fire, and if the stress of that kills our baby, Nate, then I’m gonna kill you.”

Nate closes his eyes and turns his head to the side. Baring the tender side of his neck.

Wade turns away. He can’t look at Nate anymore right now. He goes to Colossus and touches Ness’s clammy cheek. “Baby,” he whispers.

She groans, eyes rolled back in her head.

“I will take her to medical,” Colossus tells him. “Perhaps there is something we can do for her pain.”

Wade closes his eyes and lets out the scream that’s been building in his throat for days now. Then he takes a few deep breaths and pushes at Colossus. “Go,” he whispers. “Help her.”

“I will.” There’s a weight to Colossus’s words that makes Wade believe him. “Anything I can do, Wade.”

Wade nods, swaying on his feet. He watches Colossus turn and hurry down the hallway, carrying Ness like she weighs nothing. And she wouldn’t to him, would she? Wade can lift her up in his arms, so she’s like a delicate little bird to Colossus.

And then he’s alone with Nate. He turns back as Nate groans and sits up, wiping his mouth. There’s a pause when Nate looks up at him.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he whispers. “But she’s not gonna lose the baby.”

“You took my trust and fucked it like a frat boy with a passed out co-ed. Why the fuck did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t think I could take the chance with the timestream.” Nate spits blood onto the floor. “I never meant for her to get caught up in any of this, although it does answer a couple questions I had.”

“About what?” Wade asks coldly.

“About how her mutant abilities activated so late in life.” Nate stumbles to his feet. “She’s a shapeshifter. Or she will be. Pregnancy can do that, but this has pretty much sealed it.”

Wade’s mind is racing, trying to make sense of what he’s hearing. “Vanessa’s a mutant?” he asks blankly.

“Not yet.” Nate cracks his neck. Then he pauses. “I can go if you want.”

“Fuck you,” Wade growls. “Fuck you, you shitstain. You don’t get to walk away from me now. Not after I had to go back in time to save your ass.”

Nate opens his mouth and then frowns. “You went back in time?”

“Yes, dickswab. Keep up.” Wade narrows his eyes.

Now Nate looks nervous. “Where’s the you from the past?” he asks.

“What? How the fuck should I know? I told him to create a distraction and he did, that’s all I need.”

Nate looks out the window. “They’re still fighting. You’ve gotta stop him.”

“Shit.” Wade’s already moving. Nate falls into step beside him and it’s still so _easy,_ the way they move together. It makes something ache, just behind Wade’s ribs. He pushes open an emergency exit and steps onto the lawn, where most of the students have already gathered. They’re standing back from the fighting in a huddled, worried mass, so Wade looks past them toward the actual fight.

Storm is in the air, electricity crackling around her and making her hair do that cool staticky thing. God, Wade wishes he had time to fanboy, because she’s _so cool._ Jean’s on the ground, yelling at Past Wade like that’s ever helped anything. Wade wonders why she doesn’t just immobilize him with her telekinesis, and then feels like shit as he realizes she’s probably going easy on him for Nate’s sake.

Wade spares Nate a glance and finds him wearing the constipated face he gets that means he’s playing brain footsie with a lot of different people and it’s taking an effort.

Storm turns toward them, probably in response to whatever Nate’s saying with his brain, and then starts to descend back to the ground. Scott straightens up from where he was hiding behind a garden wall; the kitchen windows are totally blown out. Wade isn’t sure what Past Him did, but it’s gonna cost a few bucks to replace. The rest of the X-Men likewise start to stand down.

And because Wade’s life is one big, unending cycle of shit, that’s when Past Him pops up from the bushes and flings something toward the house where the X-Men are all relaxing. Wade has a split second to see the blinking light and think, _shit_ before half the mansion goes up.

The impact knocks him back, and he can feel Nate’s telekinesis cushion his landing, but all he can focus on is the fact that Vanessa is in that house.

“Wade?” Nate scrambles to his feet, staring at the burning mansion in horror. “ _What the fuck did you do?_ ”


	4. Chapter 4

Ah, I see you’ve caught up. See what I mean now? Rock, meet bottom. Sure would be terrible if I went back in time to save Nate and lost Ness and the baby in the process, wouldn’t it?

(Complaints to the author should be left in the comments because she’s a bitch who gave the raccoon a bigger break than me and ended the last chapter on a cliffhanger)

But now that you’re up to speed, let’s go make the chimichangas.

—

Wade can’t see Past Him anywhere, and has to hope that he’s conveniently disappeared for the sake of the narrative. No time to check; he has to get to Ness.

Nate’s right behind him, feet thudding on the grass as they race across the lawn. Medical is in the sealed underground part of the house, so there’s a chance—

There are people running out of the entrance to the underground hangar. It’s dark and Wade’s night vision is still spotty from the explosion, but some of them look big enough to be Colossus.

“She’s alive,” Nate breathes next to him, grabbing his arm. “Wade, I can sense her, she’s alive.”

Wade shakes him off. He needs to touch her, needs to see for himself that she’s okay. It’s not that he doesn’t believe Nate, exactly, but he’s got to put his hands on her before it’ll be real. He almost collapses in relief when he sees Colossus out on the lawn, cradling Ness close to his chest as he stares up at the house. 

Colossus turns toward them with wide eyes. “What happened?” he demands when Wade skids to a stop in front of him. Ness looks like she’s passed out; probably for the best.

“I might have blown up the mansion,” Wade says delicately. “We know where Russell is?” 

In the confusion and his panic over Ness, he didn’t even think about Russell until now, and let’s just say there’s nothing worse than realizing you were a shitty parent.

Nate closes his eyes and concentrates. “He’s outside, he’s fine.” When he opens his eyes, they’re shiny with what looks like tears. “Wade—”

“Just shut up, Nate,” Wade sighs. “Tell Russell where we are so we can go home.”

“You think we’re going to just let you go home?” There’s Scott. Wade was sort of hoping he’d been injured in the explosion. “You _blew up our school._ ”

“This is my fault, Scott.” Nate cuts him off before he can get started. “I’m the reason this got so out of hand.” He sounds exhausted, and he runs the metal hand over his face. “Wade’s the reason no one’s dead.”

“Would someone like to explain exactly what’s going on here?” Jean snaps. “Because from where I’m standing it looks like Wade blew up the kitchen for no reason.”

“That’s not what happened,” Nate sighs. He looks miserably at Vanessa. “Wade was right. That kid I told you about was actually a threat.”

Jean goes very still. “Why would you lie about that?”

“He has a part to play in this,” says Nate. “If you had stopped him now it would affect the timestream.”

“Which I found out firsthand after you fucking _evaporated into nothing,_ ” growls Wade. “In the three times it took me to fix that clusterfuck, I have been burned alive, struck by lightning, and had to stick my dick into my own asshole without even a paper bag to cover my face! And after all that,” he continues, ignoring the confused horror on Jean and Scott's faces, “ _Ness_ might lose the baby! None of this would have happened if you had just opened your fucking mouth!”

“Why did you have to have sex with yourself?” asks Scott, sounding ill.

“Because of reasons!” Wade snaps. “Don’t try to tell me you wouldn’t.”

“I’m straight,” Scott tells him.

Wade laughs. 

“Wade.” Nate sounds suspiciously close to whining. “Don’t speculate on my father’s sexuality in front of me.”

Wade glares. “I should tell Ness to think about your dad getting bent over by Wolverine every time you’re about to nut for the rest of forever,” he snaps, and feels vindicated when all three Summers blanch.

“You didn’t tell me you were gonna blow up the school, Wade,” says Russell from behind him. “Does this mean we can go home tonight? Hi Nate, glad you’re back.” He nods casually at Nate and then looks back at Wade.

“Once we know about Ness,” says Wade, and goes to touch her.

“What’s wrong with Vanessa?” Russell follows him, round face pinched with worry. “Is she gonna be okay?”

Colossus bites his lip as Wade reaches for Ness’s limp hand. “We did not know what drugs would be safe for her with this in her system,” he says. “She lost consciousness from pain.”

“It’ll go through her within an hour,” says Wade faintly. He remembers, back at the beginning, he could still track time. After awhile that had been pointless, but knowing how long the serum’s effects took to wear off did help. 

“How far along is she?” There’s Beast, bustling up behind Colossus. “I couldn’t risk any drug interactions, as much as I wanted to sedate her. This isn’t a substance I’m terribly familiar with, and her pregnancy makes it more complicated.”

“We just found out last weekend,” Wade tells him, staring down into Ness’s pale, drawn face. “So not very.”

“I’d recommend making an appointment with her doctor as soon as possible, then.” Beast shakes his head. “Important to monitor these things when something unusual is introduced.”

“How long until we know that the baby’s okay?” asks Nate.

Wade actually growls.

Beast glances between them and decides not to comment. “A heartbeat doesn’t show up until six to seven weeks. You have a bit of a wait ahead of you.”

“She’ll be fine, Wade,” Nate whispers. “They’ll both be fine.”

Wade punches him again. Just for good measure.

Nate groans low in his throat and rolls his neck. “You broke my nose,” he says thickly.

“Good,” snaps Wade. “You fucking deserve it.”

“What the hell?” Russell stares at them. “Why are you hitting him? Did he do something? What happened to her?”

“Put your firefists away, kid. If I wanted him dead I’d have left him unmade,” Wade tells him. He’s so tired all of a sudden, and he sways on his feet.

Nate catches him, pulling him tight to his chest with his arms pinned at his sides so he can’t punch him again. “You look like hell,” he rumbles next to Wade’s ear. “Let’s take Vanessa home and get some fucking sleep.”

Wade tenses, debating whether he wants to bite Nate’s shoulder and make him bleed. But then he sags. “You son of a bitch,” he whispers raggedly. “I don’t even know if I love you or hate you or what.”

Nate presses a rough cheek against the side of Wade’s head. “I know,” he whispers back. “I’m sorry.”

Wade does bite him then, but not as hard as he intended. Just enough to gnaw a little bit, right above the collar of Nate’s dark t-shirt. He feels Nate sigh, but neither of them says anything.

“Why are you chewing on him?” demands Russell, and sometimes Wade misses not having kids.

He struggles against Nate until he lets go and takes a shaky step back. “Can we take her home?” he asks Beast. Normally he would just go, but this is Ness and he’s so scared that he’ll do something wrong and kill their baby that he can’t breathe when he thinks too much about it—

Beast looks over his shoulder. “Normally I’d suggest we keep her until she wakes up,” he says dryly. “But under the circumstances, I think taking her home would be fine. You know as much about this serum as I do.”

“We can check on her tomorrow,” says Colossus, looking significantly at Beast. “Cars were not destroyed.”

Beast nods glumly. “We can, although I don’t expect any of us will get much sleep tonight.”

“God, don’t you people have a protocol by now? This place explodes every couple months, you’d think there’d be a plan in place for where to go with the kids.”

“Go, Wade,” says Colossus gently. He presses Ness into Wade’s arms, where she flops limply. “Take her home.”

Wade hates seeing her like this. He snuggles her as close as he can and presses his cheek against the top of her head. Then he says, “bodyslide by four.” 

They’re back in Nate’s office, crowded in close. Russell opens the door quickly, and the resulting scream tells Wade he’s scared the shit out of Dopinder.

“You left Hope with Dopinder?” he asks Nate.

Nate gives him a look and holds out his arms for Ness. “We wanted to get to you fast and Al had bingo,” he says. “I can take her.”

Wade shakes his head and squeezes Ness. She makes a soft distressed noise, but doesn’t wake up.

“Mr. Cable?” Dopinder pokes his head in. His eyes get huge when he sees Ness. “Oh my god. What happened? DP, is she alright?”

“Not right now. Mind getting our bedroom door?” Wade pushes past Nate as Dopinder scrambles to get the door open.

“Here,” he says, hovering in the doorway while Wade lays Ness down on the bed. “You also look like warm shit, DP. What happened?”

“Some bad shit went down,” Nate says wearily. “How’s Hope?”

“I’m right here,” she tells them, sounding grumpy. “Dopinder said I couldn’t watch more than one episode of Voltron!”

“Mummy says that it is important to limit screentime,” huffs Dopinder. “Don’t worry, I made sure she brushed her teeth.”

“Thanks.” Nate steps into the room. “I appreciate it, Dopinder.”

“Is there anything else I can do?”

Wade looks up then. “No, Dopinder. We can take it from here.” He forces a smile. 

Dopinder studies his face and then nods. “Then I will go. I hope she is alright.”

So does Wade. He sighs and strokes Ness’s hair back from her face. She has more color now. Makes sense; it’s been almost half an hour since she got dosed with the serum. He watches the expressions flicker across her face; she’ll go taut with pain, and then slack again when she slides deeper under. It’s mesmerizing.

“Is she supposed to stay down like that?” Nate’s voice startles him out of his funk. He’s not sure how long he’s been staring at Vanessa.

Nate’s in the doorway with the kids, one hand on Russell’s shoulder and the other arm wrapped around Hope. He’s cleaned the blood off his face, which makes Wade think he’s been zoning out for awhile.

“Everyone reacts differently,” Wade finally says. “I saw people who stayed awake screaming the whole time. Some stayed out like her. Most of us just faded in and out.”

“You need a shower,” Nate decides. “She does too as soon as she wakes up. She’s sweating through her clothes, look at her.”

Wade does look at her. He’s afraid to look away. “Swear to me,” he whispers. “You swear to me right now that this baby is gonna be okay.”

“The baby is gonna be okay,” Nate says softly.

Wade finally sits and takes one of Ness’s hands between his own. 

“She is gonna be okay, right Daddy?” Hope whispers.

“Of course she is.” Russell sounds a little too confident, but Wade knows it’s an act and he won’t take it away from the kid if it makes him feel braver. 

Vanessa will be okay, but she won’t be the same. Because now that drug is sitting in her system, biding its time until something triggers it and then it’ll change her. And Wade knows he’ll love whatever version of Ness comes out the other side of that change, but there are things he never wants her to go through. If she ends up ugly like he is, he’ll have to watch people treat her the way they treat him. Like she’s nothing, when she’s fucking everything. 

Wade lays down and curls himself around her. When he’d been in that hellhole all he’d wanted was her. So she’s not gonna suffer a minute of this without him. 

He doesn’t look up when the bed dips and Russell’s warm clammy hand covers his where it’s clutching Ness’s. And he doesn’t look up when he smells Hope’s bubble gum toothpaste, or Nate’s metallic scent. He just closes his eyes and presses kisses to Ness’s hair, pretending that the wet strands are soaking up sweat and not just his tears.

No one talks, not even Hope. They sit silently in their weird little vigil as the time ticks by and Ness starts to finally stir.

“Baby?” Her voice sounds like she’s taken a hell of a facefucking. “What the fuck? Are we home?”

Wade lets out a sob; her voice is the best thing he’s ever heard, raspy or not. “Yeah, baby,” he whispers thickly, “we’re home.”

“Why does everything hurt?” Ness tries to sit up, groans, and lets herself fall back. “What the fuck did he shoot me with?” Her was go wide. “The baby.”

“It was the same shit they gave me,” Wade tells her, cupping her cheek. “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“The baby is gonna be fine,” Nate tells her.

Wade’s looking, so he can see her drop her hand over her abdomen. “Oh my god. You’re sure?”

“Based on the date of birth, I’m positive,” he says. 

She takes a few measured breaths, then nods. “So I might mutate and I might not, right? Is that what I’m supposed to be taking away from this?”

“Yeah,” Wade whispers. “Depends on a lot of things.”

“You’re going to mutate,” Nate says quietly.

Wade slowly turns his head toward him.

Nate swallows. “No more secrets, right?”

“What’s gonna happen?” asks Ness calmly.

“Shapeshifting,” Nate finally says after studying her face. “That’s what was listed on your file.”

Vanessa closes her eyes and groans. “Nate, I really appreciate the honesty, but no more future intel tonight, okay?”

He winces. “Sorry.”

She frowns at him. “Someone did a number on your face.”

“Nothing I didn’t have coming,” he says. “I’ll tell you the whole convoluted fucked up story after we’ve all had some sleep.”

“At least school’s canceled,” Russell mutters. It’s such a _normal_ thing to say in the middle of all the shit that it makes Wade giggle.

God, they deserve a fucking break. “Fuck everything. We’re doing movies and pizza tomorrow,” he suggests, and tries not to smile when Hope perks up. God, that kid loves food. 

And Wade loves her. She’s everything he’s never let himself hope for in a little girl, tough and whip-smart and so much fun. Wade can’t imagine letting her go.

Nate catches his eye, looking wretched. Weird word, kind of old-fashioned, but Wade can’t think of a better one. He looks like he expects Wade to throw all his shit out on the street and tell him to go. 

Wade sort of wishes he could do that. He could, actually. He guesses. He could toss Nate and Hope and their Family Shirts and he and Ness could start over with Russell and Babypool. But it wouldn’t be any good. Somewhere, when Wade wasn’t paying attention, it’s sunk in that he can’t live without Nate.

He’s not exactly happy about it.

Vanessa groans. “As nice as it was to wake up with you all here,” she says, “you kids need to get out and go to bed. I need a shower and then about twelve hours of sleep because I feel like shit.”

“You don’t look so good either,” Hope tells her.

Ness snorts. “Thanks, kid.”

“It’s just weird because you’re usually really pretty.”

“Gotta work on those backhanded compliments,” Ness mutters. “I’ll see you all in the morning.” She squeezes Russell’s hand. “And you. You did the right thing calling me, okay?”

Russell bites his lip, and Wade could shoot himself in the dick for missing the guilt on his face. Russell beats himself up for a lot of shit that isn’t his fault. Of course he’d feel bad for calling Ness when she could have been safe at home.

He reaches over and rests a hand on Russell’s shoulder. “She’s right,” he says. “She usually is.”

Russell nods, more subdued than usual, and slides off the bed. “Come on, Hope,” he mutters. 

She follows him with a last worried glance at Nate, slipping her little hand into Russell’s and pulling the door shut behind her.

And with the kids gone there’s no reason to hold it together anymore, so Wade curls himself around Vanessa again and hides his face in her hair.

“Wade, you smell like pork,” she says. “I don’t wanna know why, but I think we should try to shower.”

Wade grunts. Maybe that’s not the worst idea she’s ever had. 

“I’ll get you some clean sheets,” says Nate, getting to his feet. He goes into the bathroom and starts the shower for them; Wade can hear him putting down towels and Vanessa’s hairbrush so they’ll be in easy reach.

“Always knew I wanted a service sub.” Ness pries him off gently and sits up. She’s still pale and shaky, but she sets her jaw and stands. It takes her a minute to venture a step, and she moves with exaggerated caution that tells Wade she’s not entirely steady, but she makes it to the bathroom under her own power.

Wade follows her, just shy of hovering so he doesn’t piss her off. If she falls, then all Nate’s assurances about Babypool are out the window, and Wade can’t cope with anything else tonight. 

She’s a good sport about it. She always is when his issues act up and he needs to be protective. There’s no protest when he starts helping her out of her clothes. The muscle aches will take awhile to wear off, Wade knows from bitter experience, although he was always tied down for this part so he has no idea how bad it would be to move under the influence.

“Fuck,” she grunts, panting a little when he has to lift her arms up. “This is the shit they shot you with? It’s horrible.”

Wade wants to cry. “I know,” is all he says, opening the shower door for her. She reaches for his arm and he pulls her close, walking them both over the barrier and onto the tile. 

She starts to shiver as soon as the water hits her. Wade turns up the temperature, leaning against the wall so he won’t sway on his feet. 

“Whole goddamn body hurts,” Ness whispers. “Nate better have a really good explanation for this shit.”

Wade smooths her wet hair back. “I saw him disappear,” he tells her. “So I think it’s a decent one. I just...”

“I know.” Ness sighs and leans more heavily on him. Wade gives in and slides down the wall, letting the water beat soothingly against their skin. They haven’t even reached for the soap; Wade should, but it’s so far away, and Ness is nuzzling his shoulder really sweetly.

Wade’s eyes keep slipping shut as exhaustion rolls over him. He’s warm and Ness is in his arms and it’s so tempting to just fall asleep right here. 

Then the water shuts off and Nate’s standing there, holding a towel. He and Wade stare at each other for a long, loaded moment during which Wade tries and fails at least three times to figure out how he feels about the asshole, and then Ness groans and pushes to her feet with a muttered, “thanks, Nate.”

Wade doesn’t like Nate touching Vanessa right now, but she seems fine with it, so he doesn’t get to say anything. He slowly stands up while Nate dries Ness’s hair and bundles her into her soft pajamas and helps her into bed.

And then Nate comes back, looking hesitant. Wade takes the towel from him carefully and dries himself off. “Wish you’d quit looking at me like that,” he finally says. “It’s not like I kicked your dog, Nate.”

Nate takes a quick breath. “No, I know that.”

“You fucking did this.” Wade studies his face. “It’s not that often I get to say it’s not my fault, but it’s really not my fault. This is you. So this sad sack thing you’re doing is fucking bullshit. Cut it out.”

“I don’t know what else to do,” Nate tells him.

Wade wishes he had some wisdom there, but he doesn’t, so he just shakes his head. “I don’t either. I just know that there’s a big space between being able to live without you and wanting you around, Nate, and that’s where I am right now. So just...fuck off, okay?” He shoves the towel at Nate as he pushes past him. 

Ness looks up at him from the bed, dark eyes looking huge in her face. She doesn’t say a word even though Wade knows she heard everything. Just holds out her arms so he can slide into them and wrap around her where he belongs.

He barely notices when the door closes behind Nate.

—

Ness is sitting up in bed when he wakes up, staring silently down at her hands. She doesn’t look at him when he sits up to press his cheek against her back and feel her breathing. 

“I think it’s pretty safe to say we rushed into this one,” she finally says.

Wade closes his eyes. “Yep.”

“He fucked us both pretty bad. And it’s not even the first time.” Ness sighs. “What are we doing, baby?”

“I wish I fucking knew,” he tells her.

She curses softly. “We’ve got a fucking family with him. How the hell are we supposed to work this out?” Finally she turns in Wade’s arms. “If he doesn’t trust us, that makes it really hard to trust him.”

That’s the heart of it. Wade squeezes her, pressing a kiss to her belly where their baby is hopefully still growing away. “Like a little sea monkey,” he murmurs.

Ness puts a hand on his head. “We better get our shit together before this sea monkey comes.”

He nods, listening to her stomach rumbling. It’s weirdly hypnotic. She lets him for a little while, absently stroking his neck.

“Come on,” she says after a bit, “we can’t just hide in here all day.”

Wade wants to. He looks up at her, noticing all the details of her face in the morning light. The wrinkles by her eyes, and the faint laugh lines around her mouth. Vanessa’s as stunning now as the day he met her, but she’s not young. 

He suddenly needs to be closer. And shit, she always looks so soft and inviting in those pajamas.

“Baby?” She blinks down at him.

Wade swallows. “Wanna fuck?” he asks desperately. 

Her lips purse for a second, and then she smiles. “Sure.”

Wade’s naked, never bothered getting dressed last night, so he’s got a head start. He sits up and tugs her pajama pants down. The top stays on; he likes how wholesome it makes her look. She grins and rests a foot on his chest, so he cradles it in his hands, rubbing the delicate bones of her ankle and admiring the stretch of her leg.

“I love you,” he tells her. He doesn’t say it enough. 

Her grin fades into something softer and more intense. “I love you too. Now come here.”

He lets go of her foot, and she takes the opportunity to hook her leg around his waist and arch her hips. It draws his eye to her pussy, and his morning wood goes from a semi to fully hard at the sight of her. God, she looks so good. 

She kisses him then, all sour morning breath, but even the ugly stuff feels beautiful when the alternative is losing her. Every snore, every fart, it’s just proof that she’s still with him, messy and human and his. Besides, he knows he’s gross too. 

So he kisses her back, slipping his hand under her pajama top to stroke her warm skin. She squirms when he pets her side, which makes him grin into the kiss.

“Get in me,” she whispers, reaching down to fondle his cock. “Make me feel good, baby.”

Wade whines, hiding his face in her neck. He nods and rolls them so he’s on top, and lets her guide his cock into her. It’s always so fucking hot how wet she gets for him without any warm up; after fucking himself he doesn’t know how she’s not dryer than the Sahara after seeing him naked, but it always makes him feel good, makes him feel sexy when nothing else really does anymore. Her fingers keep brushing his cock as she touches herself, and he wants to look almost as much as he wants to stay right here with her hair all around him and the scent of her in his nose.

“That’s it,” she coos. “Right there, baby. That’s good.”

They’ve been fucking long enough that she doesn’t have to talk him through this. She does it because he loves the praise, loves knowing that he’s doing a good job for her. Making her come is the best feeling there is, aside from killing bad guys, or catching a Golden Girls rerun at the beginning of the episode, or finding a surprise taco in the couch cushions.

Wade thrusts in a little deeper, grinning when she lets out a guttural moan and tightens her leg around him. He grips her hip harder in response, speeds up so he’s fucking her hard enough to bounce the bed, and lets her harsh breaths and little needy sounds spur him on.

“Fuck,” she gasps. “I’m gonna come, Wade, don’t stop, don’t stop—”

He doesn’t, and she comes clenching around him with a gorgeous moan, digging her fingers into his shoulder. He pauses to look down at her, running his eyes greedily over her bitten lip and and the cute little frown she gets when she comes. Seeing her likes this always gets him, so he goes back to it, whining at the slick, dirty noises and the feel of her so hot and wet around him, and he loves her he loves her he _loves her—_

Wade comes with his face still hidden in her neck, and he doesn’t realize he’s crying until she rubs his back and asks, “baby? You okay?”

He shakes his head, refusing to come out. He wants to stay inside her forever, just like this. She’s warm and she feels good and he doesn’t have to think like this.

Ness sighs and holds him. “I’m right here, baby,” she says. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m still here, Wade.”

“I know.” He does. That’s not it, exactly. He just doesn’t know what to do when they open that door and he’s gotta deal with Nate again.

She eventually gets him out of her neck and takes his face between her hands. “Wade. Look at me. I’m okay. We made it though, baby. We made it. I made it.”

“I don’t wanna see him,” Wade whispers.

Vanessa stills. Then she takes a deep breath. “Want me to go down first?”

Is it spineless to ask her to get rid of Nate for him? Maybe, but Wade nods gratefully, sniffling when Ness presses a kiss to his forehead and gets up. She takes a quick shower, a real one with actual soap this time, and then goes downstairs with one last sad smile.

Wade curls up in the wet spot, staring at the wall. He’s sleepy, both the sex and the day before pulling him down into a nice cozy doze for awhile. When he wakes up fully, Hope is standing there staring at him.

“What the hell.” He sits up quickly, gathering covers around his lap and double checking to make sure his junk is covered. 

“Are you gonna dump my dad?” she asks him bluntly.

Wade groans. “Goddammit, kiddo. I’m not even wearing pants.”

“I know. Your butt looks weird.” She crosses her arms. “Are you?”

A better person would probably tell her everything is gonna work out. Wade shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Her eyebrows come together in a wrinkly line. “I thought family meant you always choose each other,” she says severely. “That’s what you said.”

“I know what we said.” Wade looks down at his lap. “Your dad’s the one who chose to be an asshole, not me.”

“What did he do, then?” Hope demands.

“He lied to me and Ness got hurt. You don’t keep shit from your family, and don’t let him tell you any different.”

Hope swallows. “I don’t wanna go live somewhere else,” she says in a small voice. “We haven’t even finished the season of Voltron.”

Wade finds himself speechless for the first time in a long, long time. Finally, he says, “I think we moved way too fast trying to be a family.”

Hope’s face twists up angrily, and he starts to say something to calm her down. She cuts him off with a vicious glare. “I don’t wanna hear your reasons,” she hisses. “Everyone’s always got good reasons why they don’t want me!”

No. Wade can’t do this. He drops his head into his hands and groans loudly. “I can't hug you with no pants on,” he mutters through his fingers.

“I don’t want you to hug me!” she snaps. “I want you to fix things with my dad!”

“I’m not the one who has to fix things,” he snaps back. “I’m not the one who made everyone love him and his kid and then shit all over my trust like a homeless guy in a bus terminal! Okay? _He_ broke this, not me! So don’t look at me like I’ve got all the answers!”

Her eyes widen, and when she sniffles Wade feels like the biggest piece of shit who ever lived. 

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” he mutters. Like that’s ever helped.

“I’m not leaving,” she growls, wiping at her eyes. “Good luck getting rid of me.”

Wade lets himself fall back on the bed. “I don’t want you to leave,” he tells her, staring at the ceiling. 

“Are we gonna be a family or not?” she whispers, and that’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? Wade’s pretty sure a straightforward breakup doesn’t hurt this bad. This is f-word horrible, right here.

“I think we already are,” he says.

—

Colossus and Beast arrive around lunchtime, standing on the doorstep carrying what must be a dozen foil containers of food.

“This looks like a funeral,” says Vanessa after they’ve been bundled inside and the food’s been set on the counter.

“Is not funeral food!” says Colossus indignantly. “Is convalescence food. I did not know what children will like, so I bought some of everything.”

They aren’t gonna have to cook for weeks. Wade opens up a container holding some kind of dumplings and pops one in his mouth. Nate came back after his run, but one look at Wade had him retreating to his office. Hope only came out of her room because of the food; she keeps watching Wade like he’s gonna leave her homeless and he _hates it._

He wishes the sight of Nate’s face didn’t make him want to cry or hit things. He’s done enough of both lately. 

“This is quite the house.” Beast looks around, nodding in his satisfied sort of way. “Very nice. And I have to say,” he adds with a smile at Ness, “it’s good to see you up and moving. Any residual pain?”

“Oh, I ache like a motherfucker,” she tells him cheerfully. “But Wade says that’s pretty standard for a few days afterward. I made an appointment this morning and I see the doctor tomorrow, so at this point I think I’m just waiting for my superpowers to show up.”

Colossus startles. “What superpowers?”

Ness gives him a wicked smile. “Nate tells me I’ll be a shapeshifter.”

“Really?” Hope leans forward across the island. “I wanna shapeshift.” And she gives Wade a hard look.

Both Beast and Colossus look at her. She beams and turns to metal.

“Bozhe moi.” Colossus stares.

Beast blinks. “Can you, um, imitate _any_ mutant power you come in contact with?”

“I think so.” Hope shrugs and looks at her shiny fingers. “I bet I’d be fine if I jumped off the roof like this. Should I try, Wade?”

“Quit it,” snaps Ness. “Being a shit won’t change how he feels about your dad right now. Eat a dumpling if you want one, I see you staring.”

Hope glares at her and tugs a container toward herself.

“That should have a few servings—” Colossus shuts his mouth when he sees the way Hope goes to town on them.

Ness smirks. “You were saying?”

“I don’t think I’m like my grandpa at all,” Hope says to Colossus. “He’s a douche.”

Beast covers his mouth with his hand. 

“Language!” snaps Colossus. Wade thinks it’s actually a reflex. “And I think this because you share his confidence.”

Hope levels him with a look and taps her temple. 

Ness calmly takes the container away from her, prompting a noise like a pissed off cat. “Go upstairs.”

“I was eating that!”

“Not anymore you’re not. There’s a lesson here about biting the hand that feeds you.”

Hope’s nostrils flare. “You’re just gonna break up with my dad anyway, so why should I care what you say!”

Ness leans down close to her face. “You are being a bitch,” she tells her clearly, ignoring the gasps from Beast and Colossus behind her. “And you’re doing it because you’re scared, and I appreciate that, but what did I tell you about people being able to fight without breaking up?”

“I _asked_ Wade if he was gonna dump my dad and he didn’t say no!” Hope screams in her face. “Maybe he’s the one who should be sorry if he’s gonna say we’re a family and then just quit!”

Ness’s jaw tightens. “Wade went through hell yesterday, Hope. You know how sometimes something so bad happens that you have to take a few days to decide how you even feel about it?”

“No.” Hope glares right back at her.

“Well, someday you will. And when that happens, you’re gonna have to hope everyone around you lets you get your head right on your own time.”

“And what am I supposed to do until then?” Hope demands. “How am _I_ supposed to feel?”

Ness closes her eyes. “I don’t know, kid. I wish I had the answers for you.”

Hope sets her jaw and her skin turns back to its normal color and texture. “If you leave, you’re worse than my mom,” she snarls, and flounces away in a flash of red hair.

Wade stares into the container of dumplings as Beast and Colossus both shuffle their feet and try to figure out the appropriate thing to say after that.

Ness saves them all by sighing loudly. “Nothing like waving dirty laundry in front of people the first time they come over.”

“She’s....precocious,” Beast says delicately.

“She is frightened little girl trying to feel less frightened,” Colossus sighs. “I cannot blame her for being angry.”

“Oh yeah, no one does.” Ness pours herself a glass of juice and shakes her head fondly. “That girl’s got some teeth though. Who knew being a dominatrix was such good practice for parenting?”

Colossus clears his throat and Beast shuffles awkwardly. Ness snorts, and even Wade has to smile faintly. 

Having Colossus here is nice, he decides. He might like it a lot if it was under better circumstances. Colossus might be different here, away from the X-Men. More relaxed, more willing to play with Wade. God, Wade could use some fucking guidance right now. 

He eats a dumpling. Can’t play games with Colossus if Beast is around. And Nate. He’s gotta figure out what to do about Nate.

Could go upstairs and yell, maybe. Shove Nate’s nose in the proverbial shit he left all over the carpet and watch him cringe. That might feel good for a little while. But it wouldn’t fix anything. 

Not for the first time, Wade wishes he could play brain footsie with Nate. Get into his head, see him like Ness does. Maybe then he could figure out why Nate thought he couldn’t trust Wade with the truth when it would have been easier than the hell they just went through.

Because that’s the messy, bloody heart of the whole issue. If Nate can’t trust Wade and Wade can’t trust Nate, then where do they go? 

He sets the container down. The dumplings don’t taste so good anymore. “Thanks for all this, Colossus,” he mumbles. 

Colossus’s face softens. “Anytime, Wade.”

Wade swallows and nods. “Ness, I’m just gonna...” He jerks his thumb toward the stairs.

She nods. “Go on. You know I can handle two men at once.”

Wade almost smiles at how awkward Beast and Colossus get when she drops the innuendos. If they only knew that’s the fastest way to make her keep fucking with them. 

The door to Nate’s office is closed when Wade gets to the top of the stairs, along with Hope’s bedroom door. That’s fine. Wade can knock like a normal person. He raises his fist to do just that, only the door opens before he gets the chance. He frowns and peers inside.

Nate’s sitting in front of a laptop that he must have bought while Wade was away at the school, scrolling through news headlines. His shoulders are stiff and there’s a blanket nest on the floor next to the teleporter. “I told Hope to stop,” he says quietly without looking at Wade.

“Thanks.” Wade closes the door and leans against it. Nate looks like shit when he really gets a look at him; he’s reset his nose so it’s not too crooked, but his lip is puffy and Wade left a hell of a shiner on his good eye. All blows Nate could have stopped, but didn’t.

“Think it’s about time I start talking,” sighs Nate. He turns to face Wade fully.

Wade nods. “Yeah, that would probably be good.”

“His name is Nathaniel Essex, that’s true, but that won’t mean anything to anyone for awhile yet. In some circles, he calls himself Mr. Sinister.”

“That’s a terrible name,” says Wade automatically.

Nate’s lips quirk. “I told you Jean’s not really my mother,” he continues. “Jean’s going to die.”

Wade stills. “What?”

“A year from now. Maybe less. Bad shit is coming and she’s not gonna survive it.”

“Well, Dark Phoenix is coming out in 2019,” Wade points out.

Nate stares at him.

“What? The continuity in these movies is shit. You know it, I know it. Everyone knows it.” Wade shrugs. “Sorry about your mom.”

“But she’s not my mom.” Nate apparently decides to ignore Wade’s opinions on the X-Men movie franchise. “My mother is named Madelyne Pryor. Scott’s going to meet her in Alaska after Jean is dead.”

“I mean, good on him for learning to love again.” Wade’s lip curls. “Not really my style, but you do you, Scooter.”

“Madelyne is Jean’s clone.”

“Say what?” Wade squints. “God, your backstory is ridiculous.”

Nate sighs again. “Sinister made her for the express purpose of producing a child with Scott.”

“So you’re a designer baby. That explains why you’re so tall in the comics.” 

“Jesus.” Nate closes his eyes. “He was at the mansion looking for a mutation that would speed up Madelyne’s aging process, because right now she’s an infant. He’s got it. If you had stopped him the whole timeline would have been fucked.”

“The whole timeline _did_ get fucked because I _did_ stop him,” says Wade. “Why didn’t you think I could handle the truth?”

“I panicked,” Nate says bluntly. “This was shit directly responsible for my existence—for _Hope’s_ existence. My first instinct is to play my cards close. It was the wrong call.”

“You thought I’d still fuck around with it, knowing it could unmake you?” Wade’s stomach twists unpleasantly. “You didn’t trust me to stay out of it?”

Nate goes quiet. “I thought you’d try to help,” he says finally.

“And fuck it up. Jesus.” Wade turns away. “You think I’m a fuckup, Nate?” 

“No, I don’t.” Nate sounds angry now. “If I thought you were a fuckup I wouldn’t trust you with my daughter.”

“You didn’t trust me with your daughter,” Wade tells him.

Nate slumps, rubbing a hand over his face. “That’s not how I was thinking about it.”

“How else am I supposed to take it?” Wade crosses his arms. 

“Take it as me being an ass!” Nate snaps. “I panicked, I fell back on old habits. I wanted to keep this as far away from us as I could so I could pretend to feel normal. I _like_ feeling normal, Wade. And that’s how you make me feel.”

He’s staring at Wade with this almost creepy intensity. Wade can feel something tickle his brain and he shakes his head irritably. “Thought brain footsie doesn’t work with me.”

“It doesn’t.” Nate sounds sad about it. “This would be easier if I could show you.”

“Yeah, that’s the part that sucks about being normal,” Wade says bitterly. “You gotta use your words, Nathan.”

Nate’s nostrils flare and he sighs heavily.

“So,” says Wade slowly, “let’s recap. You don’t think I’m a fuckup, but you don’t trust me not to help in air quotes and fuck up. Did you think you had to manage me, Nate? Do I need a keeper? Colossus used to think that too, and you know where it got him?”

Nate’s jaw twitches. “Downstairs in our fucking kitchen thinking about how he wants to kiss you,” he growls.

“And if I let him it’s because he learned that I’m not just a violent idiot!” Wade shouts.

Nate looks like Wade slapped him. “So why are you up here with me then?”

“You’re making me question that,” Wade snaps. “Condescending prick. You didn’t answer my question. Do you think I need a keeper?”

“I think you need a goal,” Nate says finally. “When I met you, you were focused on Russell. You had me to push back against, and you were willing to do anything you had to in order to keep him away from me.” He swallows. “You were fucking amazing.”

“And what about now, Nate?” Wade’s afraid to breathe.

“Now?” Nate shakes his head. “Now you’re rattling around that damn school killing yourself because you’re bored and miserable. You dress in whatever clothes Colossus sets out for you—and what the fuck is that, Wade? Why is Vanessa okay with you playing kinky games with somebody who isn’t us?”

“She trusts me,” Wade says, just to cut him down.

Nate winces. “You’re your worst self there,” he says bluntly. “At your best you’re the first person I want at my back. At your worst you’re a loose canon and I can’t fucking predict you.”

“Guess that answers the trust question,” Wade says. Feels a little like the wind just got punched out of him. That’s cool.

“I wanted to get you out of that shitheap,” Nate growls. “I want you on X-Force. Running missions with Dom and me is where you can do what you do best. And fuck knows being with people who appreciate what you can do matters. Not getting pecked to death by my father or babied by Colossus.”

Wade swallows. “You wanna be my keeper,” he says faintly. “You want me to be your weapon and go where you point me.”

“I want you to do something that makes you feel good about yourself!” Nate shouts. “You deserve that!”

“I deserve a boyfriend who trusts me not to fuck up,” Wade snaps. “That would make me feel good about myself. You told _Jean_ I was paranoid!” 

Nate winces. “Knew you wouldn’t let it go.”

“Because you didn’t give me a single goddamn reason why I should!” Now Wade’s the one shouting. “You didn’t say ‘Wade, time will go fucky if you pull this string, so don’t do it.’ You told me I was bored and imagining shit! I know what crazy feels like, Nate, and I know when someone is fucking with my head.”

“Yeah, I did. I underestimated you.” Nate rubs a hand over his face. Not the metal one, sadly. “I was wrong.”

“Yeah.” Wade studies him. “And Ness paid for it, so who’s really the fuckup here?”

Nate hisses. “Becoming pretty clear it’s me,” he says.

Wade smiles grimly. “I might play the idiot a lot, baby, but it’s a lot less fun when the people you thought you could trust start believing it.”

“I don’t believe that,” Nate says softly. “I never believed it. But you started to live down to their expectations, Wade. That much shit coming at you for that long? It fucked your head up, don’t pretend it didn’t. You’re not the same guy at that school as you are here at home.”

“That’s a pretty shitty excuse for treating me as bad as they all did.”

“Yeah,” Nate agrees. “Wasn’t really trying to make excuses.”

“Just explaining why you were a piece of shit. Got it.” Wade nods. He sighs. “Never even crossed my mind not to save you, you fucker.”

“I believe you,” Nate tells him. “You don’t give up on people.”

Asshole. He knows Wade too well. Knows just what to say to flatter him and keep him from losing his shit. And Wade is so tempted to lose his shit right now.

“You know why I was killing myself?” he asks.

Nate looks up at him.

“I had to check on Vanessa.” Wade swallows. “Whenever I died before, I could see her. She was in her chair by the window in our apartment, you know the one. And there’s a barrier there, and I could see her but I could never get to her.”

“Jesus,” Nate whispers. 

“So I had to know when I found out about the baby.” Wade’s hands are shaking, so he clenches his fists. “If she was still over there, I had to know.”

Nate pushes to his feet. “Wade—”

“I checked on you too,” Wade tells him. “Shot myself in the head. I had to know if I killed you too.”

Nate reaches for him and then stops. “I want to make this right,” he says. “Please let me make this right. One chance, Wade. That’s all I need.”

“That’s all you’re gonna fucking get,” Wade growls.

Nate studies him carefully, searching his face for who knows what. “I let you down,” he says softly. “I let you both down.”

Wade nods. In a physical fight, he can go all day, but this emotional shit is exhausting. This has to be how Ness felt when he first came back into her life like the world’s ugliest version of Homeward Bound. Tired and sad and pissed off and relieved all at once. That’s too many feelings; Wade would like to return a couple. Should’ve asked for a gift receipt.

“Let’s go downstairs,” he finally says. “And tell Hope I’m not gonna put you and your shit on the curb. This isn’t Hustle and Flow.” 

Nate’s shoulders relax and he bows his head. “Thank you,” he whispers. 

Wade turns away and opens the door to the office. Hope’s staring at him from her own doorway, her expression fierce. 

“Ohana means family, kid,” Wade tells her tiredly. “Even when your old man’s on thin fucking ice.”

She sticks her tongue out at him. “Me and Russell were gonna run away if you broke up. He said he’d come with me.”

“Jesus Christ.” Wade can’t with the Summers clan anymore. He goes back downstairs where he finds Ness holding court. Apparently she and Beast read the same book about food safety regulations a hundred years ago and are chatting eagerly about how formaldehyde in milk killed babies.

Cheery stuff. 

Wade takes the opportunity to drop into Colossus’s lap. He closes his eyes and sags against that hard metal chest, ignoring the way Beast’s voice trails off.

Colossus rests a hand on Wade’s back. “Don’t use me to punish him,” he murmurs. “You are better than that.”

Wade smiles without opening his eyes. “He says you’ve been thinking about kissing me, big guy.”

“Get up.” Colossus pushes him until Wade slides onto the floor in a puddle. “Go sit by Vanessa.”

“Stop sexually harassing Colossus,” Ness says. “He was nice enough to bring us food.”

Wade crawls over to her and rests his head in her lap. She scratches her fingers softly over the back of his neck, making him sigh, and he decides he doesn’t give a shit if Beast thinks it’s weird. He lives here now.

“Cable.” Colossus sounds uncomfortable. Wade cracks an eye open to see Nate standing at the foot of the stairs, glaring. “There is food in kitchen.”

“I know.” Nate looks at Ness. “Vanessa, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for what happened to you. For what I did that led to what happened to you.”

Ness tilts her head, and Wade just nuzzles against her warm thigh. Ness and Nate have their brain footsie that gives her all the inside scoop.

Finally Nate sits down next to Ness, slipping an arm around her shoulders. She leans into him and goes back to scratching Wade’s scalp.

Beast doesn’t seem too talkative anymore. After a couple false starts, he gives up and lapses into silence. It would be awkward if Wade could bother giving a fuck.

“We should go,” Colossus says after a bit. “Traffic out of the city will be terrible if we wait.”

Wade wonders if he’d be so eager to leave if he wasn’t here with Beast. Or maybe he brought Beast along as protection. Otherwise Wade would be tempted to ask him to stay. 

That would probably be really shitty to Nate, but it doesn’t feel the same. Wade loves Nate, in that awful way that’ll let Nate hurt him and hurt him and will never be able to let him go. Nate can rip Wade’s bleeding heart out of his chest and Wade will crawl back for more. Colossus is important to Wade, but what they have isn’t that.

Part of the attraction right now is that Colossus is easy, so much easier than Nate and the gaping wound between them. Fucking Colossus would be the best kind of escapism, and Wade would love a vacation from his life right about now.

But they’re all getting to their feet, leaving Wade on the floor like a sleepy puppy, so he sighs and stands up too.

“I really appreciate you making the drive,” Ness is saying. “It was so sweet.”

Beast takes one of her hands in his massive blue paw. “I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t follow up. Take care, Vanessa.” He glances at Colossus. “I’ll go ahead and get the car. Nathan, Wade, take care.”

Colossus sighs and watches him go. “I will look out for Russell when school starts again,” he finally says after a long, awkward pause.

Nate narrows his eyes, but just grunts after Ness elbows him.

“That’s sweet of you, Piotr,” she says, and Colossus’s ears go dark at the sound of his name in her mouth. “Thank you for all the food...and for everything.”

He forces a smile, but his eyes keep flicking to Nate. “Is no trouble.”

“Bye Colossus,” Wade tells him quietly.

Colossus’s expression softens. “Goodbye, Wade. Be well.”

Vanessa stretches up on tiptoe to press a kiss to his cheek, and he practically trips out the door, face burning.

Nate crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe. “So am I gonna have to let you fuck him now?” he asks unhappily.

Ness blinks. “We don’t negotiate that shit when we’re upset,” she tells him. “Right now we get our own shit together. Colossus is a topic we can table until later.”

Wade wonders if their dining room table could withstand a good fucking from Colossus. Oh, he’d start slow, but Wade knows just how to wind him up. By the end Wade would be on his back on the floor, moaning like a whore and surrounded by splinters and busted wood. He’ll be jerking off to that fantasy later, but for now, he’s annoyed that Nate wants asspats when he doesn’t deserve them.

“The bigger issue,” Ness continues calmly, “is the issue of your head and how far it is up your own ass, because you look like a puppy that doesn’t know why it got hit with a newspaper. Do you know why we’re upset with you, Nate?”

Nate winces. “I lied to Wade,” he grunts. “Didn’t trust him.”

“And?”

Wade loves the way Ness’s voice can go from cool and soothing to sharp in a single syllable. It’s hot in the bedroom and scary when he forgets to close the freezer, but it’s really satisfying when she’s prying Nate out of his own asshole.

Nate looks scared, which should be funny. Tough guy like him panicking because his skinny girlfriend is pissed at him. In practice it’s kind of pathetic. Wade watches the wheels turn as Nate tries to think what else she means.

Ness shakes her head. “You really don’t know, do you?”

The disappointed teacher voice works wonders on Nate; Wade wishes he was half as good at it as Ness is. Nate swallows loudly, eyes flickering between her face and Wade’s. “No,” he finally says between gritted teeth. 

“No what?” Ness raises an eyebrow.

“No, I don’t know what else,” he growls.

Ness sighs. “When you lied to Wade, what were you trying to accomplish?”

Nate’s eye flares. “I was trying to protect the timestream.”

“You were trying to protect yourself,” she says slowly. “Isn't that right, Nate? Yourself and Hope.”

He stares at her warily. “There was a lot at stake there, Vanessa—”

“That sounds like an excuse, Nate,” she says coolly.

He shuts up.

It earns him a smile, and god, Wade’s always loved watching her work. “I just want you to answer my questions right now, Nate. We’ll go through this together so we can all understand.”

“I suppose I deserve the condescending attitude,” he says finally.

“Do you really think you do?” she asks.

He takes a deep breath. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because it was patronizing not to trust Wade,” he says. Grudgingly.

She nods. “It was.”

Nate lowers his eyes. 

“So you were trying to look out for yourself,” she says again after the silence gets even more awkward. “Is that right?”

Eventually Nate nods.

“Do you remember what we told the kids? About how we have to choose to be a family?” When he nods again, Ness says, “do you think that getting me shot with super soldier serum and risking my pregnancy because you were looking out for yourself was something family should do?”

Nate stares at her, stricken. “Jesus, Vanessa, I didn’t—”

“You did,” she says gently, and his entire face crumbles. 

“You’re right,” he chokes. “You’re right, I fucking did. Jesus Christ. I swear to god, Vanessa, I wasn’t thinking of it that way.”

“Well, that’s good at least.” She studies him. “If Wade risked Hope like that, would you be able to forgive him?”

Nate doesn’t answer.

“Do you want Wade to forgive you?” she asks. Gentle. Relentless. 

Nate nods, dropping his gaze to the floor.

“Tell me why?”

“Because I love him,” Nate whispers. “Because I wanna make this right.”

“How do you think you can make this right?” Ness asks. “When you’ve proven over and over that you think you can make decisions on behalf of this family without us?”

Nate goes very, very still then. Wade watches him breathe, slow and silent, riding out the weight of the realization. 

“You didn’t know you were doing it,” he says, surprised. “You really are that fucking stupid.”

Ness snorts, and Nate manages to look both hurt and offended. Wade doesn’t give a shit. 

“Okay, but stupid is better than deliberately shitty,” Ness points out. Maybe she has a point. “We can fix stupid.”

Nate peers between them. “This is about me being a team player,” he says slowly, like he’s not actually sure.

“Bingo.” Vanessa nods. “Once is a bad decision, but two fuckups of this magnitude so close together is a pattern. You run off half-cocked without consulting your team. You ran off into the future and brought Hope back here without telling us you were gonna do it, _or_ asking if we were ready to bring another kid into the household. That was a big fucking decision you took out of our hands. I get where you were coming from, and we love Hope, but it should have been something we all chose together. And now this shit from yesterday? Same damn thing. When you knew there was a threat to the timestream, what do you think would have been a better way to handle that?”

Nate takes a deep breath. To his credit, he looks like he’s giving the question some real thought. “Should’ve taken Wade aside,” he finally says. “Told him what was at stake.”

“That would have been a good start, yeah.” Ness nods approvingly. “And then what?”

Nate actually squirms. “Call you,” he grunts.

“Not actually necessary at that particular time, but you’re getting there. I’m not an expert on merc shit or time travel, so I trust you and Wade to have come up with some kind of plan to get yourselves and Russell the fuck away from that guy.”

“I can see how that might’ve gone better, yeah.” Nate sighs. “I really didn’t think I was being that much of an asshole.”

“Well, the million dollar question is what you’re gonna do now that you know.” Ness raises her eyebrows. 

“Do better,” Nate says quietly. He looks at Wade. “I’m gonna do better.”

“So next time a situation comes up where you have the chance to make a call without us, what’s your move?”

“Talk to you,” he mumbles.

“Good boy.” Ness steps away from Wade and pats Nate’s cheek as she passes him. “For what it’s worth,” she adds, “you do treat us well when you’re not off crawling up your own ass.” She smiles crookedly and vanishes into the kitchen.

Wade supposes that’s true; if he thinks past the swirl of garbage in his brain, he can remember all the times when Nate’s been good to them. He looks down at his feet, sifting through memories of the past month. So much of it has been at the school that he realizes he’s only actually seen Nate for about a week since this thing of theirs started. Ness has been living with the guy, figuring him out, but Wade just got weekend Nate. 

“I barely know you,” he says, half to himself.

Nate’s mouth opens, but he closes it again. “Guess that’s true,” he admits.

“You don’t really know me yet either.” Wade frowns at him.

“I know I want this.” Nate sets his jaw.

“You know this is gonna happen again, right?” Wade swallows. “The worst of me and the worst of you? Hell, the worst of Ness, too. That’s what it means when you say forever. You ready for me at my worst?”

“I’ll drag you through it and out the other side, as long as you’ll do the same for me,” says Nate.

Wade shakes his head. “Sounds good on paper, Nate. Prove it to me.”

“Anything,” Nate says, and his entire face goes soft and warm. 

It does something funny to Wade’s chest. His heart gives a painful thump, and he might have to take that out and look at it later, but right now he just sighs. Wade loves physical fights, but this kind of fighting is the worst. He’s tired, even though it’s barely afternoon, and he doesn’t trust the impulse to forgive Nate.

Because that’s something Wade knows already: Nate can do anything he wants and Wade will always, always forgive him. It’s just a matter of when. And if Nate knows that, he won’t have to try as hard to fix his shit and they’ll be back here again before they know it. 

“Prove it,” he says again.


	5. Chapter 5

Wow, heavy shit, huh? Nothing like angst to take it out of a girl. And by girl I mean me, not this piece of shit author who can’t make up her mind over whether we’re allowed to be happy or not. Yeah, this part sucks. At least Hope’s stopped Googling how to survive on the streets of Manhattan, but Nate’s raising questions I don’t know how to answer and Ness is trying to keep everyone sane. Russell’s keeping his head down to see how things shake out, but he’s like me. He doesn’t trust anything good to stay, and I don’t know how to convince him when I don’t know either. Looks like it’s gonna be a long road back to normal in the Sumcarllinson household.

—

Two days pass before Nate gets invited back to sleep in their bed. In that time, Ness goes to the doctor, who tells her the same thing Beast did. They have to wait it out. Her pregnancy gets moved into the ‘high-risk’ category. That does great things for Wade’s nerves, but she doesn’t seem too worried. Nate told her it’s gonna be fine, and apparently that’s good enough for her. Wade just wishes he was that confident in Nate’s word.

It’s not clear what sort of brain footsie they played, but Ness is back on the Nate train. It makes Wade feel shitty, like he should hurry up and forgive Nate because she has. Ness tells him that he should take his time, feel things out at his own pace, but Wade’s nagged by the sensation that he’s holding them back.

Ness is asleep between them, head on Wade’s chest with Nate pressed to her back. Wade’s fingers keep brushing Nate’s by mistake and it’s uncomfortable for both of them.

Moreso because the heat is still there. Wade’s dick has forgotten that he’s got complicated feelings about Nate right now, and keeps trying to suggest things when Wade sees Nate come back from his run, flushed and sweaty in his too-tight t-shirt. Licking the sweat off his skin might sound hot in fantasy, but reality is a little more complicated than that.

He knows Ness has fucked Nate already since shit went down. She uses sex as a way to communicate with Nate, break down his defenses and make him listen to her, but Wade doesn’t know how to do that. When he fucks, he just wants to fuck, skin and heat and fun and sometimes love. 

He wants to fuck Nate, but he’s not sure he’s ready to.

Their fingers brush again and Nate finally hisses, rolling away from Vanessa. Wade glances over to see him staring at the ceiling. Neither of them say anything. Ness grunts in her sleep and drools on Wade’s chest, and the silence gets thicker the longer it lasts.

“I’ll go,” Nate finally whispers. “This was too soon, I’m sorry, I—”

“Stay,” whispers Wade.

Nate looks at him, eye flaring. “Wade?”

Wade’s not sure why he said it, so he closes his mouth and ponders. Does he want Nate to leave? 

There’s a ghost of a touch on his face, and his focus snaps back to Nate as the telekinesis trails shivery down his cheek. Nate whispers his name again, so soft, and Wade’s eyes slip shut in spite of himself. A caress against his lips has him opening his mouth to let invisible fingers slip inside. 

Nate strokes his tongue, his lips, trailing down his chin and back into his mouth. He touches Wade like he wants to kiss him, like he’d crawl inside him and stay there if he could.

Wade tries to suck, but it’s weird; there’s nothing to push back against like this, nothing to do but take it. More sensations all over his body make him gasp, earning a grunt from Ness. She rolls off of him and steals Nate’s pillow before letting out a deafening snore.

Nate catches Wade’s eye over her, and suddenly the entire situation is freaking hilarious. Wade claps a hand over his mouth to keep his snickering from waking Ness up, and Nate’s grinning back in the dark, and Wade slips out of bed, jerking his chin toward the door.

They go to the transporter room (that’s totally what Wade’s calling it now, not even god can stop him), and Nate watches while Wade enters the coordinates into the teleporter. He doesn’t ask where they’re going, just crosses his arms and lets Wade teleport them up to the roof of the building next door.

Wade’s never been up here before. It’s flat like a lot of the houses on their court, and one of the shorter buildings on the street. Above them, lights twinkle in the windows of the apartment buildings. The traffic is deafening.

“Just like old times,” Nate muses. He smiles at Wade.

Wade smiles faintly. He’s pretty sure no one can see them up here, or at least no one cares enough to look too close. “Yeah,” he says, looking down at the little gated court with its pretty trees.

Nate steps up behind him, radiating heat. Wade closes his eyes, so at first it’s hard to tell whether the hands that smooth over his arms are physical or mental. But then Nate reaches bare skin, and tangles Wade’s fingers with his own, and Wade can feel the little metal joints in Nate’s hand.

He leans back, letting Nate press his lips to the back of his neck. The heat of his mouth against the chilly air makes Wade shiver, and so does the gentle scrape of teeth a second later. Nate’s hand squeezes his, and he squeezes back.

“Used to love those nights on the roof,” Nate mutters roughly against his skin. “Sharing a beer, shootin’ the shit, watching the smoke curl out of your mouth. You have no idea how many times I wanted to kiss you.”

Wade remembers. “Should’ve suggested we shotgun it.”

“I don’t smoke.”

“Weed doesn’t count. I’ve got a joint right here.” Wade pulls one out of his sleep pants.

Nate rests his chin on Wade’s shoulder. “Where were you hiding that?”

“I’ve always found it best not to question the source of my gifts, Nathan. You got a light?”

Nate sighs. “Can’t believe I’m gonna smoke your ass weed.”

“Lighter’s in the downstairs bathroom if you don’t have one.”

“I’m in my fucking pajamas. Not all of us carry supplies while we sleep.”

“Now, that isn’t very post-apocalyptic of you, Nate. Aren’t you supposed to be prepared for anything?”

“No one could prepare for you.” Nate presses a kiss to Wade’s neck. “Be right back.”

Wade squints at the other windows while Nate’s gone, instinctively scoping out the best points for a sniper to get at the house. “We need bulletproof windows on the east side,” he tells Nate when he reappears with a flash.

Nate steps up next to him and studies the buildings. “Maybe on the south too, just to be safe,” he agrees. “Got the lighter.”

“Awesome.” Wade holds out his hand. Nate lights it instead, holding it up so the tiny flame lights his face. He’s watching Wade with intent, and that makes a warm feeling curl up in Wade’s tummy. 

He leans forward, letting Nate light the joint for him. The light from the tiny flame makes the whole thing seem intimate, a little circle of light where they share space and breath. Wade inhales and lets the smoke curl out of his nostrils, watching Nate watch him.

Nate looks at Wade the way people look at art, or porn. Like Wade is everything good he’s ever imagined plus a blowjob for good measure. His eyes drop to Wade’s mouth, staring intently as Wade takes another drag.

“You know how to shotgun?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Nate licks his lips.

Wade grins. “Then come here.” And he takes another drag.

Nate’s (soft, well moisturized) lips close on his and part when Wade’s do. Wade breathes out, and Nate breathes in, and then he starts coughing.

“Fuck,” he mutters with a scowl. “Quit laughing.”

“No.” Wade takes another drag. “Get your grumpy face back here and let’s try this again.”

Nate rolls his eyes, playing like he’s too good for this shit when Wade knows damn well he wants to show off. But he comes back and parts his lips and lets Wade breathe smoke into his mouth again, and he coughs less this time.

“There you go,” Wade whispers. “You’re getting it, gorgeous.”

Nate tries not to look too pleased. “Give me another one.”

Wade reaches up to grip his chin, looking down at him thoughtfully. “You’re pushy,” he says. “You’re used to getting what you want.”

The smile drops off Nate’s face. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

Wade pets his thumb across Nate’s lower lip. “Is that why you get off on denial so hard? Or do you just like that tingly ball feeling?”

Nate makes a face at him. “Little of both,” he admits. “Why?”

“Just occurred to me.” Wade takes a drag and blows the smoke into Nate’s face, grinning as he squints into it. “Open your mouth.”

Nate does, and Wade resists the urge to tap the ash onto his tongue. That’s not the kind of shit you spring on someone, but it’d be hot. Instead he takes a drag and seals his mouth over Nate’s and pinches his nose shut.

Nate makes a little noise then, reaching up to clutch at Wade’s arms. But he doesn’t struggle. He suffers through it until Wade lets go and then he gasps, sagging against Wade’s chest and mouthing at his neck the minute he catches his breath.

Wade tips his head back and takes another drag. “I never want to top,” he muses. “Like, ever. I like being bent in half and slapped around and fucked until I cry, so I’m not sure why it’s so fun to top the hell out of you.”

Nate lays his head on Wade’s chest. “You’re good at it.”

“Thanks.” Wade ruffles Nate’s hair.

They stay like that for awhile, gently swaying back and forth as Wade smokes. Sometimes he’ll feed the smoke to Nate, wet lips catching just right and making them shiver as the weed kicks in and everything seems a little nicer.

“I should just...” Wade sighs. “Be stoned all the time. That’d be cool.”

Nate hums, petting his fingers repeatedly over the seam of Wade’s shirt. “Your shirt feels nice.”

“Thanks. Your face looks nice.”

“Yours too.” Nate nods seriously. “I know you don’t like it, but I do.”

“That’s so sweet. I had no idea you were attracted to a baked ham with eyes.”

“You don’t look like a ham!” Nate scowls.

“I do a little,” Wade says fairly.

Nate peers at his face. “Not really. You’re not pink.”

“I look really cute in pink.”

“You look really cute in anything.” Nate’s still petting Wade’s shirt.

“Aww, honeybuns. You’re adorable.”

“What happened to pudding cup?” growls Nate.

Wade giggles, rubbing his cheek against the fuzz on the side of Nate’s head. It’s really soft. “You miss being my pudding cup?” he asks happily.

Nate gets quiet, and it’s just the sound of their breathing and the rumbling of a truck passing below. “Maybe a little bit, yeah,” he finally mumbles.

Wade pauses where he’s nuzzling Nate’s head. He’s got a good buzz going, but that sounds like Nate’s trying to say more than he’s actually saying. Wade sucks on his teeth and considers. “Soon,” he decides. “Not quite yet, okay?”

“Okay.” Nate curls into him, big warm hands sliding under his shirt. They feel good on his skin, and Wade’s annoyed that they’re on the roof so they can’t just get naked. Wade would like to be rubbing against Nate like a stoned cat right now.

But Nate seems sad. He’s petting Wade slowly, head resting on his shoulder, and he sighs heavily. “You know how it feels when everyone tells you you’re one thing and you know you’re not?” he finally asks.

“Yep.” Wade nods. He does know that.

“That’s how I feel all the time. People have been telling me my whole life that I’m special and shit. I’m not special. You see that. You know I’m just a stubborn fuckup who hurts people.”

“I mean, kinda, yeah.” Wade frowns down at Nate.

“I like that. When you don’t let me get away with it. Can’t get better with people crawling up your ass all the time, talking about destiny and shit.”

“What even _is_ destiny?” Wade muses out loud.

“Fuck if I know. Time’s like....” Nate heaves a sigh and looks up, squinting at the sky like it might help him think. “There’s fixed points. Stuff that has to happen or the whole timestream is gone. Then you’re in another timestream. And if you change stuff there, it splits again. Like mercury balls when you touch them.”

“Heh, balls touching.” Wade snickers.

Nate snickers too. But then he gets serious. “There are no good words to describe time travel to someone who didn’t grow up with it.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell us how it works?” asks Wade. He’s curious now.

“Part of it.” Nate shrugs. “Part of it is that I like how normal shit is with you. Explaining all my tech takes away from that.”

Wade makes a face and sticks his tongue in Nate’s ear. It makes him jerk away with a yell.

“What the fuck, Wade!”

“Me and Ness aren’t for you to play house with and then ditch when you feel like being a grown up,” Wade snaps. “There’s shit we need to know, even if you don’t want to tell us.”

Nate glares at him, rubbing his ear. Then he sighs. “Yeah, I know. I’ll explain it all to you both when it’s not two in the fucking morning and I’m not high.”

“Good.” Wade stubs out the joint on a nearby brick.

Nate sighs. “We should go back inside.”

That’s a really good idea. There’s food inside. Wade nods and tells Nate what good ideas he has.

“Food?” Nate’s interested now. 

“Munchies.” Wade tells him solemnly. “Why do you think I’m always eating?”

“Figured it was part of your mutation,” Nate mumbles. He steps close and curls a hand around Wade’s arm. “Bodyslide by two.”

It always sounds dirty. Wade loves it, and he’s grinning to himself as the kitchen materializes around them. “I’d like to slide my body all over yours, baby,” he tells Nate.

“You said food.” Nate gives him a flat look. “You have to pick food or sex.”

“That is a filthy lie, as Ness and I proved at our first Thanksgiving.” Ness tasted really good with cranberry sauce.

Nate looks intrigued.

Wade grins. “Come on, I know there’s snacks here.”

“What about the dumplings?” asks Nate.

“Mmmm, Russian pastries with hot gooey filling,” Wade sighs happily. “Another good idea from you, Nate. You’re so smart when you’re not being dumb.”

Nate makes a face at him.

Wade digs through the fridge, opening takeout containers and casting them aside until he finds the dumplings. He wiggles it triumphantly until Nate uses telekinesis to snatch it out of his hand and float it to the microwave. 

“Hey.” Wade could have walked that over himself. But Nate has that cocky grin he gets when he’s showing off, and it’s a good look on him. So maybe Wade can deal.

They end up sitting on the floor and eating warm dumplings with their fingers. Nate’s still working on timing things in the microwave because the future is (will be?) garbage. Wade doesn’t mind that the dumplings aren’t hot. He’s eaten way worse.

“I love food,” Nate says dreamily, holding up a dumpling in front of his face. “There’s so much of it here. I don’t even know how to explain how amazing that is.”

Wade leans over and bites the dumpling Nate’s holding. Nate shoves at his face, hissing like a pissed off cat, and Wade laughs and opens his mouth. “See food!”

“You’re actually five years old.” Nate eats the rest of the dumpling.

“I’m at least nine, be real.” Wade blows him a kiss.

Nate gives him a disapproving look and takes another dumpling out of the box. He pops it in his mouth before Wade can steal it and grins smugly. The effect is sort of ruined by his bulging cheeks, but he’s adorable so Wade will let it go.

“I let you get away with a lot because you’re cute,” he says.

Nate blinks. Then he swallows the dumpling. “You should probably stop that,” he says thoughtfully. “I’ll get spoiled.”

“God, you big bottom.” Wade nudges him with his foot. “You have to fuck me sometimes, otherwise it’s not fair.”

“I wasn’t even talking about that!” Nate huffs. “ _You_ weren’t even talking about that!”

“Shhhh! You’ll wake up the kids!” Wade whispers. Maybe a little loudly. “We have to set a good example.”

“We’re eating cold dumplings on the floor in the middle of the night because we’re high,” Nate points out.

Wade snickers. “Okay, we have to pretend to set a good example. And you have to top sometimes. It’s a rule.”

“You trying to ask for something?” Nate asks lazily.

Is he? Wade tilts his head. “Anal’s better in bed. Or the shower.”

Nate nods thoughtfully. “I do like the shower.”

“We never did try docking,” Wade realizes. Suddenly that’s the greatest idea he’s ever had. “Put the dumplings down and get your dick out. We gotta do this.”

Nate looks at him, then the dumplings, and then sighs. “Jesus. There’s one more.”

“Fine, eat it and _then_ get your dick out.” Wade rolls his eyes.

Nate sighs again, as if Wade can’t see him chubbing up in his sleep pants. “This feels stupid.”

“My best ideas usually do,” says Wade cheerfully.

Nate shoves the dumpling in his mouth.

“Come on, come on, chew faster.” Wade pushes his pants down around his thighs. “I wanna play with your dick.”

Nate swallows and shoves his pants down. “Fine,” he says. “How do we do this?”

Wade’s kneeling, and that seems like the best way to do this. “You kneel too. Real close. Then bring it on in for me.”

“Going tip to tip,” Nate mutters.

“Exactly.” Wade scoots closer and studies their dicks with a keen tactical eye. Nate’s already hard, foreskin pulled back to reveal a temptingly pretty head. But Wade’s sucked his dick before. This is new.

He pushes his lips out thoughtfully and lines them up. Nate makes a little noise when their dick tips touch, and Wade gets it because it feels really nice. “Okay, now you push your foreskin over my dick.”

Nate looks dubious, but he does it, and Wade’s not sure how to describe the feeling of skin rolling over the head of his cock. His mouth falls open though, because it’s the sight more than the feeling that makes him go hot all over.

“Fuck,” he breathes. “Nate, I’m inside you.”

Nate’s staring down at their cocks too, wearing that dazed, turned on look he gets when Ness flashes her tits at him. “That’s hot,” he says faintly.

Wade nods, unable to take his eyes off it. He loves Nate’s foreskin, likes playing with it when he jerks him off, and now, watching Nate slide it experimentally back and forth over the tip of Wade’s cock, it’s...

Wade’s not sure what it is, but he likes it.

“Never done this before,” Nate whispers roughly. “Is this how it’s supposed to go?”

“I think so, yeah.” Wade swallows, rolling his hips a little. “My dick’s wearing your dick like a sweater.”

Nate snickers, leaning forward to rest his head on Wade’s shoulder. “Sex with you is so fucking weird,” he says, sounding delighted. 

“Everything with me is weird.” Wade smacks a kiss to his cheek.

“Yeah. It’s good.” Nate swallows, looking down again. “Shit.”

Wade reaches down to touch curiously, petting his fingers over Nate’s stretched foreskin where it covers the very tip of his own cock. “This is so cool.”

Nate shivers. “Feels good.”

“Yeah.” Wade wraps his hand fully around his dick and strokes. Foreskins are so cool; he wishes his would grow back. Alas, he’ll have to be content with wearing Nate’s sometimes, like a cute accessory. Or an organic dick sleeve. For just the tip.

He wonders if Nate can use his telekinesis to jerk them off. He wonders if that would be better or worse than doing it by hand.

“Probably could, yeah,” Nate grunts.

Wade didn’t know he was talking out loud. Oops.

Then Nate chuckles, and it’s a deep, confident sound that warms Wade all the way to his toes. “Yeah, I can do that,” Nate whispers, slipping his metal arm around Wade’s waist and nipping his ear. “Gonna make you feel so good, Wade.”

Wade lets his eyes slip closed as he feels invisible fingers tracing across his dick. “Shit,” he breathes. “You fucking tease.”

“I like to tease you,” Nate whispers. “Like working you up and giving you just what you want.”

Wade closes his eyes, hips twitching at the feel of Nate’s telekinesis getting firmer. It’s scary intense, just like the feeling growing behind his ribs. “Nate...”

Nate holds him tighter, clinging. “I love you, you fucking disaster,” he whispers ferociously. “I love your messes and your jokes and your faith in me and I don’t ever wanna let you down again, Jesus—” He drops his head onto Wade’s shoulder.

“Goddammit,” Wade hisses. “You can’t just say that shit, Nate.” He yanks Nate’s hair until his head snaps up and then he kisses him, hard and biting. “Make it so I can’t stay mad at you. Do you even know how you’ve got me, you bastard?”

Nate pants against his mouth. The telekinesis falls away as his concentration shatters, and he just grabs onto Wade and holds him. “I love you,” he whispers again.

Wade wraps his arms around Nate’s broad shoulders. They stay like that, breathing hard and holding onto each other, until Wade realizes sadly that his dick isn’t hard anymore.

“You really hurt me,” he mumbles.

“I’m sorry.” Nate kisses the side of his head.

“Your stupid feelings made me lose my boner.”

“I lost mine too.” Nate sighs. “But we’ve got time, don’t we?”

“Guess so.” Wade licks Nate’s cheek. He should probably put his dick away if he’s not using it. 

Nate kisses him again, softer than before. Then he reaches down and tugs Wade’s sweats up over his ass. “Put you back together,” he whispers. “I’ll always try to put you back together.”

There’s a lump in Wade’s throat. He swallows around it. “Let’s go for not breaking me in the first place.”

Nate cups Wade’s face between his hands. Thumbs, one metal and one warm and smelling faintly of dick and dumpling, stroke his cheeks. “I can do that,” Nate promises.


	6. Chapter 6

Aren’t you glad things are looking up again? I love a happy ending. Except that this isn’t an ending, it’s a beautiful new beginning in a new and exciting chapter of our lives. You all have no idea. Shall I proceed?

—

“On your left!” Wade slices through a neck and sends the head tumbling across the floor in Domino’s direction. The corpse crumples, the gun which had been aimed at her head dropping a second before the remains of the guy holding it. Across the shipyard, something explodes, which means Nate’s got the Big Gun out and he’s taking no prisoners.

“God, that gun is amazing,” Domino mutters as Wade picks his way across corpses to her. She’s breathing hard, hands on her knees.

“Right? Gives me a hard-on every time I shoot it,” Wade says happily.

“Gross. Let’s go see if he needs backup.”

They’re in Southeast Asia, currently hacking, slashing, and shooting their way through a cartel-run ship whose contents are funding some reeeeally sketchy politicians. Wade’s not too clear on the details, but he’s seen photos of these guys’ work, and let’s just say anyone who drops live kids into vats of acid is the kind of person Wade’s good with killing. 

He even got to set someone on fire earlier. It’s been a good day.

A pylon falls right in front of Domino as they approach, so they scale it onto the ship, where the dead people all over the deck lead them below to Nate. 

He’s facing off against roughly twenty people; Wade can see the faint shimmer of the telekinetic shield he has up. He drops it for a second to get off a few shots that drop three of them, and then raises it to block the returning round of gunfire.

“Could it be that sweet man of mine needs help?” Wade calls.

Nate’s eyes flick to them, and then his lips curl in an absolutely feral smile. “Thought I recognized your husky Demi Moore voice.”

“We watched Indecent Proposal the other night,” Wade explains to all the people who turn and frown at him.

“Oh my god,” mutters Domino. And then they scatter because there are a lot of guns suddenly shooting at them.

Wade gets hit a couple times, but it’s clean, bullets ripping straight through and out the other side. He’s gonna have to patch the suit again, though. Annoying. He’s crouched behind a steel crate and peeks out to see how many Nate took down when they all turned on Wade and Domino.

Looks like about four. That leaves plenty for Wade.

He launches himself out from behind the crate, nailing the closest guy with a bullet between the eyes before he makes it all the way over. By the time his feet hit the ground he has one sword drawn and out, and uses it to _successfully_ slice an incoming bullet in half. He’s smug for half a second before the next bullet destroys his kneecap.

“Goddammit!” he shrieks as he goes down, and empties the whole clip into the fucker who shot him.

“Think he’s dead?” asks Nate sarcastically.

“You’re not being terribly supportive, honeybunch!” Wade growls.

“Should I have clapped?” Nate throws out a shield while Wade wobbles to his feet. It’s sweet; Wade will have to blow him later. 

“Behind you!” Domino ducks a knife that gets thrown her way; it lands perfectly in the eye socket of the guy behind her. 

Wade spins around and cuts the creep about to shoot him in the back clean in half. There’s something really satisfying about watching the pieces slide apart. Then he’s moving again, sliding on his knees past the guy Domino shoots to cap a dude in the nuts. He pushes to his feet as two guys charge him. 

He skewers them both. One on each sword. He really hopes Nate’s looking because it’s super cool.

The problem is getting them off his swords. He gets shot like four times while he fucks around with it because he has to push the first guy with his foot while he pulls the sword out.

“You never were good at pulling out,” Nate says idly just as Wade gets the second sword free. 

“Never heard any complaints from you, pookie,” he says.

“Nope.” Nate steps over the body of the guy who was shooting at Wade. “Here, take this. There are more of them in the lower decks.”

Wade takes the gun and grins. “You’re getting better at sharing.”

“You two are adorable.” Domino passes them and pokes at the locked door to the lower decks and cargo hold. It opens easily. “Cable, the charges for this level are ready.”

“Good. We plant the rest of them below and then bodyslide out once the timer counts down. Stay close.”

The charges are with Domino, because she’s got the best odds of making this place go boom like they want it to. But Nate’s pulled out all the stops to make sure Wade’s first job with them is gonna be fun, so Wade gets to actually push the button to set them off.

They head down the stairs, moving quietly. The guys down there know they’re coming, are waiting below with guns, so Wade’s not sure why they’re sneaking.

“Not sneaking if you talk to yourself the whole way down,” mutters Domino.

Oops.

The gunfire starts as soon as their feet clear the ceiling, and Nate has to throw up a shield to keep them from getting pinned on the narrow staircase.

“Dad, can I go play with these guys?” Wade asks to be obnoxious.

“Be home by dinner.” Nate drops the shield and Wade surges through, guns blazing.

He gets four before he hits the bottom of the stairs, whistling to himself as he works his way through the rest. Not even close to the toughest odds he’s faced (that would be Nate), but enough of a challenge to keep him entertained. 

Shame fanfic doesn’t allow for real time soundtracks. Wade could use some tunes for his happy rampage. The Go-Go’s maybe, or Wilson Phillips.

Domino shoots the last one as he scrabbles at the locked door the rest of the goons are hiding behind. He slides down the door with a meaty noise that makes Wade think fondly of the time he and Russell dropped hot dogs off the roof of the school onto Scott’s new car. Good times.

“Place the charges, Dom,” says Nate into the ringing silence.

Wade checks his ammo while she sets the charges, humming to himself.

“Having fun?” Nate asks him, stepping close enough that Wade can feel the heat of his body. He smells like sweat and gunpowder.

“I’ll be having more when I get to push the button,” says Wade. He’s gonna have to buy more bullets. “Although I gotta say, you sure know how to show a girl a good time.”

“Only the best for you.” Nate grins.

“We’re set.” Domino pops up holding the detonator. “You sure we gotta stick around for this?”

“I don’t break my promises,” Nate tells her. “Bodyslide by three.”

They reappear on the docks a reasonable distance from the ship. Wade makes grabby hands at Domino until she rolls her eyes and hands over the detonator. 

“Go wild,” she tells him. “I’m gonna go stand over there so I don’t have to watch you make out.”

Nate waves her off and then gives Wade that warm look that makes Wade’s tummy do flips. “Ready to do the honors?”

Wade holds up the detonator. “Fire in the hole,” he says brightly, and pushes the button.

The ship goes up in one of the prettiest fireballs Wade’s ever seen, a spectacular orange that blossoms into yellow and a deeper, almost red-orange as flames start to lick the upper decks of the ship. He sighs at the sight of it. “I’m so hard right now.”

“I know, I can see your dick.” Nate slips an arm around his waist. “You were fucking amazing out there,” he purrs next to Wade’s ear.

“Oh Nathan, not in front of the mercenaries.” Wade doesn’t have eyelashes to flutter, and even if he did they wouldn’t be visible under the mask. But he thinks Nate knows from his tone.

Nate snorts. “Domino’s way over there. She doesn’t want to see this.” He squeezes Wade’s hip. “You’re all mine right now.”

Wade shivers. “Nothing like a little violence to make your dick hard,” he says cheerfully, but his voice isn’t quite as steady as he’d like; Nate’s giving him those intense eyes and it’s making things feel funny in both his pants and his brain.

“Exactly.” Nate kisses him, mouth hot against the mask.

Wade opens for it, feels the pressure and the heat of Nate’s tongue against the fabric and whines. “This is just like V for Vendetta,” he pants when Nate snorts.

“Okay,” says Nate.

Wade kisses him again, and grins against the spandex as Nate’s hand snakes down to grope his ass.

“Are you two planning to seal the deal here on the dock or can we go home?” calls Domino. “Your five minutes are up.”

Wade groans, but Nate pats his ass reassuringly. “There’s always the shower when we get home,” he promises.

“Fine.” Wade sighs and steps back. “Bodyslide by three.”

Then they’re back in Nate’s room, on the nice rubber mat they got to keep from getting blood and entrails on the hardwood. Domino immediately starts taking her boots off and snatches the duffle bag with her civilian clothes and shampoo and stuff.

Dopinder jumps when she opens the door and flattens himself against the wall so she can pass. “Mission accomplished?” he asks, gazing at Domino with a slightly awestruck look.

She winks. “Damn right.” 

He stares after her as she ambles down the hall and into the guest bathroom.

“She’s way out of his league,” Wade mutters to Nate.

“Yep.” Nate watches Dopinder for a grim moment, then starts taking off his boots.

Wade sighs, remembering the good old days when he’d just strip off the suit at the door and walk around the apartment naked until Vanessa came home and told him to pick up his shit and slapped his ass. Good times, those. But that was before he became a family man.

Now he leaves his boots to ooze on the mat next to Dom and Nate’s and follows Nate’s fanny pack-laden ass down the hall to their bedroom, where their shower (and the still-cracked tile which stands in testament to Wade’s sexual prowess) waits for them.

Ness set up a plastic bin for merc uniforms; turns out Nate managed to get fresh blood on some of her pants once. Their clothes go in there, away from the rest of the laundry. They’ll wash them during dinner along with Domino’s uniform. It’s all very domestic.

“Man, I hope we can do tacos from that place down the street,” says Wade, scratching his belly absently. “They’ve got some great carnitas.”

“Sounds good.” Nate crowds up behind him, dick pressing against his ass. “Right now I’ve got something else in mind.”

“Sir, is that a gun in your pocket?” Wade grins.

“Not wearing any pants.” Nate shoves him lightly toward the shower. “Get moving.”

Wade laughs, turning on the shower and sticking his hand in. Best part of this house is how fast the water heats up. And the laundry included. Both of those are great, but not as great at Nate nudging him until he’s under the spray and Nate can press their bodies together and kiss him.

“You looked so fucking good out there,” he growls softly against Wade’s mouth.

Wade’s not in the mood for any fancy foreplay; he wants Nate to fuck him. The harder the better. So that’s what he tells Nate between biting kisses. They’re both keyed up; action always makes Wade horny, and he rubs his dick against Nate’s washboard abs with a shameless grin. “Come on,” he says. “You owe me for our failed docking experiment.”

“You wanna play with my foreskin, you just need to fucking ask,” grumbles Nate. 

“Later.” Wade nods. “Right now I want your cock so deep in me it pokes my throat.”

“That’s not sexy,” Nate tells him, even as his hard dick rubs against Wade’s thigh.

“Too bad you’re not as tall as in the comics. Then you could pick me up and hold my legs open while you fuck me.” Wade nibbles his ear. “I’d have to just hang there and take it,” he whispers, and Nate snarls.

Next thing he knows he’s being pressed against the wall and his feet are leaving the ground. “Okay, but you better not drop me when you nut,” he tells Nate as he’s moved into position.

“Shut up, Wade,” says Nate. “I’m not gonna fucking drop you.”

“I mean, it’s not like I won’t survive a cracked skull anyway,” Wade points out, “but I’m gonna make fun of you and Ness will be pissed if you stain her grout. You know how she gets when we fuck up the shower.”

Judging by the look on Nate’s face, he remembers very well. He scowls, snagging the lube that’s made its way into the shower since Wade suggested it weeks ago and staring hard at Wade while he squirts some onto his fingers.

“What is it with you and staring at me while applying things?” asks Wade.

“You mean like the dick I’m about to apply to your asshole?” Nate asks him, quirking an eyebrow.

“That was terrible, you should leave all the jokes to me.” Wade groans when Nate reaches down to finger him, getting him all sloppy and slick.

“You like having to hang there and take it?” Nate growls in his ear, and Wade nods frantically.

“Yep, I sure do, this is great. You know what would be more great? If you’d hurry up and _fuck me!_ ”

Nate chuckles. “Someday,” he mutters as he lines his cock up, “I’m gonna tie you down and play with you until you can’t even talk anymore. You’re not gonna be able to do more than make those slutty little noises by the time I let you come.”

“Wow.” Wade gasps and then moans when Nate pushes in. “You go really hard for this orgasm denial stuff.”

“You don’t?” Nate’s voice is a little strained. He bottoms out after a long, wonderful stretch that has them both groaning. “Seems like your thing.”

“Nope. I’m all about instant gratification.” Wade grins. “That means get moving.”

Nate grins with teeth and goes to it, bracing his hands on the wall on either side of Wade’s head as he rolls his hips. He’s trying to be nice at first, fucking deep but smooth, and Wade wants to scream at the relentless drag of Nate’s cock across his prostate.

It’s very nice.

“ _Nice?_ ” snarls Nate.

Wade’s talking out loud again. “What’s wrong with nice?” he asks, gasping at a particularly nice thrust that jostles him a little.

Nate reaches down to pump Wade’s cock, no slow buildup or anything. Just his hot wet hand squeezing just right and twisting his wrist a little on the upstroke like Wade likes—

“There you go,” Nate croons in his low scratchy sex voice. “Just shut up and take it. Be my pretty little fucktoy, Wade, that’s what I want from you right now.”

Wade doesn’t bother trying to keep quiet; Hope’s a telepath and everyone in the goddamn house knows what they’re doing in here anyway. And Nate’s touching him _just_ right, winding him up like those creepy little Jack-in-the-box toys until he’s gonna blow.

“Cock-in-the-box?” he pants.

“Shut up, Wade,” Nate growls. “Shut up and come for me.”

And fuck, Wade does, making a mess of both their stomachs as he moans and shakes through it. He even gets some on Nate’s metal arm, which is pretty great.

“Two points,” he says weakly.

“Jesus,” mutters Nate. But he keeps fucking Wade, jackhammering into him now that it’s his turn. It’s hard, it’s brutal, and it’s perfect. Wade never ever wants it to stop, because he’s about to pass through that uncomfortable stage and back into horny.

And that’s when Nate comes, stiffening and moaning deep in his chest as he goes still with his cock buried deep inside Wade. It’s good for him, Wade can tell by the way his face twists and his eyes scrunch shut and his telekinesis fails, sending Wade crashing to the floor. His head cracks against the tile and he bites the tip of his tongue off.

“ _Motherfuck!_ ” he slurs, spitting his tongue tip onto the tile as he blinks the stars from his eyes. There’s blood running down his chin. “You fucking dropped me!”

“Shit! Shit, Wade, I’m sorry.” Nate drops to his knees next to Wade, hands hovering uselessly by Wade’s head.

The water washes pink down the drain, parting around Wade’s piece of tongue. Wade blinks at it. Kind of funny looking, actually, and the pain’s already fading. He reaches out and picks up his tongue piece. “Dare you to eat this.”

“What the fuck.” Nate pushes his hand away. “Jesus, I’m sorry.”

“No more telekinesis for you, sir,” Wade tells him. “You’re just gonna have to deal with being short.”

“What the fuck is going on in here?” That’s Vanessa’s voice. She must have heard the crash when he fell.

Nate throws a panicked look at the tile, which means Wade’s giggling when Ness opens the shower door.

“You fell?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Shut up, Wade, I’m not gonna fucking drop you, he says. Let’s use telekinesis for shower sex, he says. It’ll be fun, he says.” Wade giggles.

Vanessa looks at Nate. “You fucking idiot,” she says pleasantly. “Don’t you dare stain my grout.”

“It’s fine,” he mumbles.

“Good. We’re getting tacos. Wade, throw that in the trash, it’s gross.” She shakes her head.

“Wanna try my new one out later?” he asks hopefully.

That makes her grin. “Maybe. Let’s see how I’m feeling after carne asada and a pineapple Jarritos.”

Wade grants her the point with a nod. “Nate, help me up,” he says, wiggling his hands.

Nate gets to his feet and holds out a hand.

Wade drops his tongue piece into it.

There’s a second where Ness snorts and Nate just stares down at it. Then he sighs. “Guess I’ll throw this away.”

“Guess you will.” Ness offers him some tissue.

He gets rid of the tongue with a long-suffering expression, but he accepts the kiss Vanessa presses to his cheek. 

“Now actually shower,” she tells him. “With soap. Your daughter’s whining for you to come downstairs and watch this YouTube thing with her.”

“Please tell me it’s Llamas With Hats,” says Wade.

Ness gives him a pitying look. “Baby, that’s a million years old.”

Wade pouts. “It’s a classic.”

“I know, but kids don’t appreciate culture. Get clean and then get tacos.” She wiggles her fingers in a wave and closes the shower door on them. 

Wade sighs and hands Nate the shampoo.

—

Actually living with Nate and the kids isn’t quite how Wade imagined it would be. Which makes sense, because living with Ness wasn’t anything like he imagined it would be either. In his mind, it was gonna be sexy pancake eating at two in the morning and lacy black underwear all the time. Reality had been more like beer and Yentl on the couch and Ness’s ancient period panties under her fuzzy sweater. Girl hates pants and hates having to wear them in the house.

“But Russell and Hope deserve to not have my ass hanging out, so I make sacrifices,” she says sadly.

Russell’s at school; Xavier sent Jean over about a week after the explosion to tell them that they’d arranged an alternate site for the school so classes could resume. She hadn’t exactly gotten a warm welcome, but at least she’d had the sense not to bring Scott with her. Over a very tense cup of coffee, she’d explained the situation and they’d all agreed that Russell could bodyslide in and out for classes. 

Wade isn’t sure how he feels about knowing she’s going to die. It’s one thing to read about it in the comics and another thing too know it’s gonna happen in _this_ universe. What next? The Disney merger cancels X-Force and this fic never gets a chance to get Jossed? Heavy stuff. 

“Motherhood is a thankless job,” he tells Ness, pulling her bare foot into his lap so he can rub her ankles.

She snorts. “You know I’m really not at the ankle rubbing stage yet,” she reminds him.

“What, you’re telling me to quit?” He grins at her.

“Don’t you dare.” 

This is the first time they’ve had the house to themselves since that last time in the old apartment. Nate took Hope to the park where they’re probably doing some weird future survival games or something. They’ve been gone for over an hour.

“I feel like we should be having sex or something,” Wade says idly. “All this house and no one else in it.”

“You wanna?” Ness asks lazily. She looks like a sleepy cat, all stretched out and purring.

“Not really,” he admits.

“Cool,” she says around a yawn. “Me either.”

“Sweet.” Wade absently rubs her ankle, feeling the bones. After a bit he says, “so what are we gonna name Babypool?”

A smile curls her lips. “Guess we should start thinking about that, huh?”

“Unless you don’t wanna jinx it,” he says quietly. After all, he hasn’t forgotten the last time they talked about baby names.

Vanessa opens her eyes. “Hey,” she says softly.

Wade looks at her. 

“This is gonna be fine,” she tells him. “Nate checked on it in the future, remember.”

He shakes his head. “I’m being stupid.”

“No you’re not.” She reaches out a hand.

Wade takes it and squeezes. “You wanna get married?”

Ness eyes him. “I already said yes to that question, baby.”

“No, I meant like soon. Before Babypool is born.”

She tilts her head. “You know I’m not changing my name.”

“Wouldn’t want you to. I already printed the Family Shirts.” Wade runs his thumb over the arch of her foot, hard enough not to tickle.

Her breath catches. “Feel like we should talk to Nate if we’re gonna get hitched officially.”

“Why? You want him to give you away at the wedding?” Wade grins.

“Shut up.” She pushes his thigh with the foot not in his lap. “I don’t make fun of your kinks.”

“I would never make fun of your incest roleplay,” he tells her solemnly.

“Good, because I’d hate to start mocking your gerontophilia,” she says. “You sure you and Al never went to pound town?”

“If only,” he sighs. “But no, she can’t see how to work the harness for a strap-on. Just think of it as a perk, baby. I’ll never leave you for a younger woman.”

She snorts. “When I get my shapeshifting superpowers I promise to fuck you as Bea Arthur.”

“We should put that in our wedding vows,” he tells her.

Vanessa nods. “It’d give me an excuse to throw a party like I’ve been wanting to.”

“You do throw great parties,” he says.

She sits up, and Wade lets her foot go. “We can go to the courthouse for the ceremony,” she says. “We can have Al and Tina there as the official witnesses.”

“How is Tina, anyway? You haven’t talked to her in awhile.” 

Ness bites her lip. “She’s living in Queens with a couple roommates. New job isn’t that great.”

“Bummer.” Wade sympathizes. Tina’s one of Ness’s old friends from the bad old days when they were both streetwalkers. Ness won the hooker game; Tina got out of it. He likes her, even if she is suspicious of men in general and him in particular. He doesn’t think she ever forgave him for leaving Ness alone like he did. 

“Maybe Domino could act as a witness instead,” Ness says softly.

“I was totally right, she hates me.” Wade sighs.

“She sort of does, yeah.” Ness gives him a crooked smile. 

Wade can’t really blame her. He hates himself for leaving Ness alone too. 

“Wade.” Ness’s voice shakes him out of it. “You’re the only dumbass I would marry.”

“How many other dumbasses have asked you?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She grins, swinging a leg over him so she’s perched in his lap. “Are you serious about this?” she asks, studying his face. “You really wanna make it official?”

“I did when I asked you the first time,” he says quietly, reaching up to push her hair back from her face.

She smiles wryly. “Life sort of fucked that plan, didn’t it?”

“Harder than Nate when he really gets going,” Wade agrees.

That makes her snort. “Think he’ll be jealous?”

“Think I care?” Wade shoots back, and then feels like a dick. “I mean, I _care,_ I just don’t think he gets veto power here. Does he?”

“I think we should hear him out if we want him to feel like we all get an equal say,” she answers. 

Wade rests his hands on her waist. “Probably.” It still feels weird to consult a third person about big decisions. They’ve been two for so long that being three is an adjustment. One he doesn’t always like. 

Luckily, Nate doesn’t even blink when they bring it up later. “I knew you would be getting married,” he says, pulling his shirt over his head. “It doesn’t bother me at all.”

“Well, good.” Wade lets himself ogle Nate’s shredded physique for a minute.

Nate looks like he’s struggling with himself, and then he says, “thanks for talking to me about it. Feeling like you’re asking permission for that shit can’t be fun.”

“Were we asking?” Wade muses.

For a second Nate looks hurt, but he doesn’t say anything.

Ness comes up behind Nate then, sliding her hands around his waist and playing across his abs until he arches into her touch. “We weren’t necessarily asking _if_ we could get married, we were asking what you’d think about us getting married soon,” she purrs.

“Got it.” Nate’s eyes fall shut as she slips a hand into his sleep pants. “Fuck.”

Wade sits up, watching the way her hand moves under the fabric. Nate’s pretty like this, letting Ness turn him to jelly. And Ness...

Watching Ness work always turns Wade on. She’s magnificent.

“Hey Wade.” Her voice is thick with amusement. “You think he deserves to get his dick sucked?”

Wade thinks about it. “Well, he did take me out last week and let me kill a lot of bad people.”

“He did.” Ness does something with her hand that makes Nate gasp.

“But then he dropped me in the shower during victory sex.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Nate whispers shakily. 

Ness lets him go. “So go make it up to him,” she says. 

Nate takes a shaky step toward the bed. “Tell me how,” he says to Wade.

Wade throws the covers back. “Maybe I deserve to get my dick sucked.”

“Yeah, you do.” Nate drops to his knees. “You wanna fuck my face?”

“Has any man ever said no to that offer?” Wade wonders out loud as he wiggles his pants down his thighs.

“Not in my experience,” says Vanessa. “But probably. People are surprising.”

Nate pulls Wade’s pants all the way off and smooths his hands up the insides of Wade’s legs. “I’ve never dropped anybody during sex before,” he admits quietly. “Never had a problem with control.”

“And if Hope’s mom was anything like her, she’d have kicked your ass for dropping her,” Wade points out.

Nate snorts as he lifts one of Wade’s legs onto his shoulder. “Oh yeah.”

Wade shivers as cool metal fingers play up his thigh. “So are you saying I make you so crazy you dropped me?” 

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Nate whispers, rubbing his cheek against Wade’s knee. “I can’t fucking get enough of you.”

Wade lets his head fall back, staring at the ceiling as hot, soft lips move up his leg. His dick’s hard, how could it not be with the promise of a sloppy blowjob coming right up? 

The lips stop halfway up his thigh. “You wanna tell me what’s wrong?” Nate asks gruffly.

Wade picks his head up. 

Ness is gone. He’s not sure where she went, but she apparently decided they needed some solo fucky and went off to leave them to it. Wade frowns, not totally sure why that annoys him.

“Who says something’s wrong?” he asks Nate.

“Staring at the ceiling not responding when I talk to you is a pretty good indication,” Nate says. He quirks an eyebrow. “Tell me.”

Wade takes his leg off Nate’s shoulder and sits up. 

Nate watches him from the floor. Patient. Understanding. Like Wade’s got words for why he’d suddenly rather punch Nate’s pretty mouth than put his cock in it.

“I can’t read your mind,” Nate murmurs. “I can sense you’re unhappy but I don’t know why.”

Wade gives him a narrow look. “Maybe I just don’t wanna fuck you without Ness around,” he says. It’s petty, and he feels like an ass as soon as it’s out.

Nate takes a slow breath. “You’re still pissed at me.”

“Yeah.” Wade looks down. “I’m gonna be for awhile.”

“Is that why you want to marry Vanessa now?” Nate asks. “You need something that doesn’t include me?”

That’s exactly what it is, and Wade hates that Nate put his finger on it so neatly. “Yeah,” he finally says. Real eloquent. 

Nate sighs. “Can I touch you?” he asks softly.

Wade frowns. “What do you mean?”

Nate hesitates, then smooths his hand over the outside of Wade’s thigh until he can curl it around his hip. “I just like to touch you,” he says. “I like how your skin feels.”

Wade stiffens, and Nate traces a thumb along the cut of his hip. “Cut it out,” he says, less steady than he likes. “I don’t need any sweet talk bullshit from you.”

“It’s not bullshit.” Nate stares at him. “You wanna tell me what’s really wrong?”

“Besides the obvious bit where you gaslit me and got Vanessa hurt?”

“Yeah, besides that.” Nate strokes up Wade’s sides with careful fingers. “You were killing yourself before that happened. It wasn’t just about the school, was it?”

Wade squirms, and only half because of the touches. “I don’t—”

Nate bends down to press a burning kiss to Wade’s stomach. “I want to be good to you,” he whispers. “But you’ve gotta tell me how.”

Wade bites his lip, staring down at him. “You moved in when I moved out,” he finally says. And then it’s out, and he can’t hold back the rest of it. “You stepped into my life while I was gone. You fuck my girl, you hang out with my friends, you moved into my house before it had a chance to _be_ my house. Even my kid is gonna be your kid too because you’re fucking _around_ all the time! I don’t—” He looks up at the ceiling again, blinking back the stinging in his eyes.

Nate sits up. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. 

“Fuck.” Wade should apologize. There’s some shit you can’t say out loud if you want people to still love you, and Wade _does,_ in spite of the petty resentments. He does.

“I did do that, didn’t I?” Nate muses. 

Wade swallows. Then he nods. “Yeah, you did.”

“Jesus.” Nate shakes his head. “Wade, I did that shit to get closer to you.”

“What?” Wade blinks.

“I don’t want your life, I want you. I want a place in your life and I was trying to make one.” Nate’s eye flashes in the dim light. “Didn’t quite work out like I hoped.”

“Not really,” Wade agrees. “I mean, shit. You and Ness have routines and jokes and kinky roleplay, and I’m just over here hanging out with Russell.”

Nate raises an eyebrow. “We can fix that,” he says calmly.

“Which part?”

“All of it,” says Nate. “Come jogging with me in the mornings. We can make fun of the housewives in yoga pants. It’ll be our thing. Show me places in the city you like to go. Or we can take Hope and Russell to the museums or something. I want you, Wade. I want all that with you.”

Wade swallows thickly. It sounds so nice when Nate talks about it. It sounds easy. But it doesn’t feel easy where he’s sitting now.

“And,” Nate says softly, “we can make our own kinky roleplay.”

Wade takes a deep breath. “I can’t even think of anything sexy right now,” he says.

Nate smiles crookedly. “I’m looking at something sexy right now.”

“Stop flirting, this is serious.” But Wade’s smiling.

“I am being serious. You tell me about something that gets you as hot and bothered as Vanessa’s daddy thing and I’ll do it.” Nate presses another kiss to Wade’s thigh. “I love doing shit for you.”

Wade squirms. “You did look good in those princess panties.”

Nate smirks up at him. “Want me to dig them out? I’ll be your princess.”

“See, I think you’re the one who gets hot and bothered over that,” Wade points out. “You like being a dirty girl.”

Nate ducks his head, and Wade realizes he’s blushing. “Doesn’t everyone have something they’re embarrassed about being into?”

“I’m pretty shameless,” Wade says thoughtfully. “Everyone knows about my masturbation unicorn and my thing for Bea Arthur.”

“Yeah, Vanessa already told me she’s gonna turn into her and fuck you when she manifests,” Nate says with a grin.

“She’s so good to me,” Wade sighs.

“She loves you so fucking much,” Nate tells him. “And so do I.”

And that makes Wade duck his head shyly, because he and Ness couch their affection in jokes, mostly. There’s something about Nate and his wide-eyed sincerity that makes Wade uncomfortable even though he likes it.

“I love you so much I want to get my hands on every inch of you,” Nate whispers, gliding his fingers up Wade’s sides again. “And then my tongue. I want to taste you and feel you until I’ve got you burned into my memory, until I know every spot that makes you gasp and moan and shake.”

Wade swallows again, biting his lip. No one actually talks like that, do they? “You sound like a bad romance novel,” he says shakily.

“Yeah? Tough shit,” says Nate. “It’s true. I wanna do any depraved thing your weird ass comes up with. If it makes you happy, I’ll like it.”

That raw honesty makes Wade’s palms itch, but it also makes him want to meet it. “I don’t actually mind the daddy thing,” he tells Nate softly. “I just...”

“You can’t be _her_ daddy.” Nate nods. “I think I get that.”

Wade nods. “And the way she likes it, where she says no, I can’t do that.” He takes a deep breath.

“Feels like you’re hurting her,” Nate says.

Wade nods.

“Makes sense. Telepathy helps with that.” Nate grins a little. “Hard to feel like I’m raping her when she’s screaming yes in her mind.”

“I bet.” Wade lets himself smile too. “Must be nice, the brain footsie.”

Nate studies him. “Not being able to read your thoughts is tough,” he agrees. “I never know what you’re thinking, so I can’t predict you. You make me crazy, you know that? It’s...” He gropes for words. “Exciting.”

“Sweet talker.”

“You make me work for it,” Nate says with a grin. 

“Someone has to,” Wade shoots back.

“So tell me how to work for you,” Nate says, and damn, that’s a bedroom voice. 

Wade clears his throat, shifting a little as his dick begins to chub up again. “I’m a man of simple tastes, Nate. I like to get fucked and I’ve come to accept my attraction to older women and I like to feel pretty sometimes.”

“Is that right?” rumbles Nate.

“Yep.” Wade watches him trail his eyes over Wade’s body, making him squirm more. 

“I keep fucking up when I want to make you feel good, Wade. This time I’m gonna get it right.” Nate sits up on his knees. “You like more than that, handsome. You like getting held down. You like being played with and forced to take it. You like it when I say filthy shit to you.”

And okay, Wade’s legs fall open like a hussy. He’s weak. “Last time you held me down we got to experiment with urethral play via telekinesis. That was fun.”

Nate slides his hands up the insides of Wade’s thighs. “You came real pretty for me because of that,” he agrees. “But no telekinesis now. Just my hands.” The drawer next to Wade opens and the bottle of lube comes floating out.

“Handjob?” Wade asks shakily. “Pretty basic, don’t you think?”

“Is it?” Nate raises an eyebrow. “You telling me you don’t appreciate the classics? You don’t want to lay back and let me give you the sloppiest, filthiest handjob I’ve ever given?”

“Well, when you put it like that it sounds more interesting.” Wade lays back, listening to the wet noises as Nate pours lube on his hands. 

And then the unmistakable sensation of metal stokes up the underside of his dick.

“Oh shit,” he says stupidly, gripping the sheets. “You’re gonna use the good hand.”

“I’m using the good hand, yeah.” He can hear the grin in Nate’s voice. “Gonna get you all wet and slippery, make you hump my fist and show me how bad you need it.”

Wade bucks up on instinct, feeling those metal fingers slide over him and biting his lip. “Fuck,” he whispers.

“Good boy. Do it again now,” says Nate, and Wade does, rocking into Nate’s fist thoughtlessly. “That’s it, pretty boy. You need it bad, don’t you? Desperate little slut.”

Oh, Wade likes that. He likes it a lot. Nate’s low voice washes over him as he fucks his fist, working his hips because Nate told him to, he called him a good boy, he likes Wade like this. It’s so easy to just turn his mind off and listen when Nate talks to him like that.

“Yeah, just like that,” Nate purrs. “You should see yourself, Wade. This is how I love you most, you know. So needy, so pretty. I’m gonna give you just what you need, you know that? Pretty little slut like you deserves to come.”

Wade can’t help the noise he makes then, a pathetic high-pitched whine in the back of his throat. He’s still humping Nate’s hand, panting and gasping, and he wants to come but he doesn’t want it to end yet. He doesn’t want to go back to thinking, not when it’s so much nicer to drift and squirm with Nate’s voice to ground him.

“Good boy,” Nate murmurs, squeezing Wade’s cock. It makes Wade sob and jerk, and Nate chuckles. “So good for me. Just feel it, Wade. It’s nice, isn’t it?”

“Uh huh,” is all Wade can say. His hands are twisting in the sheets, gripping tightly enough that his fingers hurt. He feels like he could float away if Nate stopped talking.

“Tell me you’re my good boy,” Nate says, and Wade’s shaking now. “I want to hear you say it. Wanna make sure you know.”

Fuck, he’s crying, tears slipping down his cheeks as he whimpers, “I’m your good boy,” in a quivery voice that doesn’t sound like him.

“That’s right, you are.” Nate’s other hand fondles Wade’s balls, making Wade sob openly and fuck up harder into Nate’s fist. “Sweet sloppy boy, I’m gonna make you come all over yourself. Good boys get to come, Wade, and you’re so good for me.”

Wade can’t think, he’s too deep in it, trapped between Nate’s hands with that low voice soothing him. It feels so good, the way time stretches out loopy and syrupy, the way the pleasure tightens in his gut and his balls until he’s not sure he can go any higher. He knows he’s making noises and tossing his head on the pillow, but everything in him is centered on his cock and the wonderful way Nate keeps touching it.

“God, you look pretty,” Nate murmurs. “Come now, Wade. I wanna watch my messy boy, so give it all up for me.”

And how can Wade resist? He lets out a helpless little noise as Nate’s hand twists _just right_ and makes the whole thing unravel. He’s coming, Nate’s pulling it out of him, and he gives it up with a thin wail, bucking hard into Nate’s hand as he works him through it with soft murmurs and praise because Wade’s his good boy and he looks so pretty like this.

He comes down slow, floaty and strangely heavy at the same time, and he blinks up at Nate.

“That feel good, pretty boy?” Nate asks him with a crooked smile as he raises his come-covered hand to his mouth.

Wade makes an incoherent noise, watching Nate lick his come off metallic fingers. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Nate sucks a gob of come off the side of his thumb and grins. Then he crawls on top of Wade, pressing them together in a glorious press of skin against skin. It’s exactly the weight Wade needed, and he’s clutching at Nate’s back, breathing open-mouthed against his shoulder, clinging because he still feels too floaty and Nate’s the only thing that can keep him here.

“Sweet boy,” Nate whispers, so soft against Wade’s ear that it makes him shake. “You were so good for me.”

Wade shudders, gripping Nate tighter. He doesn’t have a lot of words right now, which most people would consider ironic, but it’s true. Right this second all he needs is Nate, the feel of his skin and the puff of breath against his ear, and the rumble of his chest when he purrs more praise.

“I love you, Wade,” Nate whispers.

And Wade shifts, wrapping his legs around Nate’s waist and arching up so Nate can rub his cock on Wade’s stomach. “I love you too.”

It’s slow after that, Wade laying there in the dark where time seems to stop and kissing every part of Nate he can reach while Nate chases his own pleasure. He doesn’t make Wade to do anything, just holds him and pants against his neck and tells him how good he feels. Wade shivers; Nate gets so wet his cock slides slippery over Wade’s stomach, and he can hear slick little wet noises that could get him hard again if he wanted. 

But he’d rather stroke his hands up and down Nate’s back while he humps Wade and pins him down until he feels heavy enough to stay in his own skin again. It feels good, to touch and kiss and nibble whatever he can reach, and he likes the little sounds Nate makes as he starts to get close. Feels really nice.

Nate goes still when he comes, moaning softly in Wade’s ear and spilling hot come on both their stomachs. He kisses Wade then, deep and sweet, and then carefully sits up.

Wade hates how cold it is without him, and rolls onto his side so he can curl in a warm little ball.

“I’m coming right back,” Nate whispers, pressing a hand to his cheek before he stands up. Wade squints as the sudden light from the bathroom comes on, and he watches Nate lean down to drink from the faucet. Nate adjusts the water to warm and cleans the jizz off himself before he fills up the glass they keep in the bathroom and snags a damp cloth. Then he’s coming back.

“Here,” he says. He sets the glass down on the bedside table and proceeds to uncurl Wade from his little ball so he can wipe the come off his stomach. “Sit up, gorgeous. Drink some water.”

Wade’s not really thirsty, but Nate told him to, so he sits up and takes the glass when Nate hands it over.

“Drink that,” Nate orders him. Wade does, in three long, efficient gulps. He’s thirstier than he thought.

“Want another?” Nate’s hair is a mess; Wade reaches out to push back the strand flopping into his eyes.

“I’m okay,” he says. His voice sounds like he’s been screaming, only he knows he hasn’t.

Nate’s got these little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes when he smiles. They’re Wade’s new favorite thing. “Okay. Then come here, gorgeous. Pretty thing like you shouldn’t be sitting alone.”

Wade swallows hard and scoots into Nate’s arms, letting them wrap around him as Nate maneuvers them horizontally. When they’re on their sides, limbs tangled, he finally starts to relax again.

“Come jogging with me in the morning,” Nate whispers.

“Okay,” Wade says. He’s sleepy now. Nate smells good, like sex and body wash, and he’s so warm. 

A big hand trails down his back, and Wade settles in.


	7. Chapter 7

For the record? I hate jogging. I hate getting up early to go jogging. You know what I don’t hate? The sight of Nate in borrowed jogging shorts. See, remember the part where I hate jogging? Means I don’t have any jogging shorts. But Ness does, and they say ‘juicy’ across the ass. Mix that with my old TGI Friday’s sweatshirt from my time in Jacksonville and those old man socks that go halfway to your knees? _That_ makes getting up at six worth it. 

So that’s our thing now. We have a thing. We jog through parts of the city that Nate hasn’t seen and I count how many people do a double take to check out his ass. And then we go to Starbucks so I can inflict his bad fashion choices on innocent New Yorkers and get Ness her blueberry scone.

—

“Who knew my green card expired?” Wade stares at the offending document, Starbucks cup clutched in his hand.

“Well, we all thought you were dead,” says Ness apologetically. “And then I figured you’d take care of it.”

“Fuck.” Hard to get married without any valid ID. “We’re all here illegally.”

“Guess college is out for me,” Russell says glumly. “Good thing X-Force doesn’t care about immigration status.”

“Yeah, but ICE does, and you’re brown with a criminal record.” Wade frowns. “Fuck.”

“I’ll call around and get a lawyer,” sighs Ness, dropping a kiss on Wade’s head. “Fake papers only get you so far.”

“What about us?” asks Hope. 

“Fuck it, I’ll ask about time travel too. There’s a firm in Hell’s Kitchen who does mutant and superhero shit.” 

Wade sighs. He wanted to get married before the baby comes.

Nate squeezes his shoulder reassuringly.

“At least I’m white,” Wade sighs. “Russell, if they try to detain you, burn the tent city and free the children.”

“That’s exactly what you told me not to do at the orphanage,” Russell says.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t say anything about freeing the orphans there.”

“We should take out those tent cities anyway,” Nate says. “They’re a precursor for worse to come.”

“Well, shit. You know how I hate child abuse,” Wade tells him. “Should we call Domino? Gay illegal immigrants and a black person with guns is like Trump’s worst nightmare.”

Russell snorts and Nate gives Wade a fond look. “You busy next week?”

Wade blows him a kiss.

—

The tent city is worse than he thought. It’s bad to the point that he and Domino just kill every adult in the facility, because no one can stand by watching this shit without being guilty. Nate sends an anonymous threat to the government that they’ll be hitting another one within a week if they don’t start closing these things down. Wade wishes he was hopeful about them complying, but he’s not.

Later, as they sit in a hipster cafe in Austin quietly eating locally sourced breakfast, Domino says, “so the guy who was behind the Essex House is also responsible for the Weapon X program and your birth?”

Nate nods, shoving French toast in his mouth.

She sets her fork down. “You know, I’m a mercenary, Cable. I don’t ask a lot of questions, but if this shit all ties together and he’s so involved in so many projects, what makes you think we aren’t gonna run into him again?”

“I have no doubt we will,” Nate says grimly. “I think there’s a reason we didn’t find any mutant kids in that prison, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got something to do with that. But we can’t prove it.”

“Isn’t he busy growing your mom’s clone?” asks Wade.

“What?” Domino asks flatly.

“My mother is the clone, Wade, and yes. But he’s always running multiple schemes at once.”

“So one guy’s managed to fuck all our lives and we can’t even kill him until you’re born,” Domino says, and shakes her head. “If he’s taking mutant kids from the border, we have to stop him.”

“If we can prove he’s involved, it’ll be my fucking pleasure,” says Nate, and he grins at her with teeth.

Domino studies him. “Okay,” she says after a minute, “but I better not find out you’re hiding things, Cable.”

He nods. “No secrets,” he agrees quietly.

Wade steals a breakfast potato off Nate’s plate and chews thoughtfully.

When they get home it’s mid-morning and Vanessa’s on the phone with the immigration lawyer. She gives Wade a thumbs up and a dazzling smile, which he figures means good news. He’s also got a text from Colossus when he checks his phone.

He stares down at it, feeling suddenly like the world’s worst friend. It’s a simple message, a just checking in message, and Wade realizes he hasn’t spoken to Colossus since he came to visit the day after the school blew up.

Wade’s pressed call and has the phone to his ear before he thinks about it.

“Wade? Is everything alright?” Colossus sounds genuine and concerned.

God, Wade’s missed that voice. “Yeah,” he says. “Things are fine. I just saw your message and wanted to say hi.”

There’s a pause. “Hi, Wade,” Colossus finally says. 

“Hi.” Wade swallows. “Look, I’m sorry. I dropped off the grid after I fucked everything up for you, and that probably made things really awkward with the rest of the X-Men. So I just...” He’s not sure what he just. He loves Colossus, in a simpler kind of way than he loves Nate and Ness. He doesn’t want to fuck up his life or make him sorry that he chose to be friends with Wade.

“You did not make things awkward with X-Men,” Colossus tells him. “Mansion blows up every few months, like you said. Green kitchen was ugly anyway.”

Wade snorts. “Yeah, it really was.”

“How are you, Wade? Things are well at home? With Cable?”

“I—yeah.” Wade swallows. “Things are okay with Nate, yeah.”

“I am glad,” says Colossus softly. “I know he means great deal to you.”

“He does.” Wade sighs and sits on the bed, pressing the phone to his cheek. “He really does and we talked about what happened. It’s okay now.”

“I was worried for you.”

“I know,” says Wade. “You’re way too good to me, you know that?”

“I am exactly as good as you deserve,” Colossus says firmly. “You have a good heart. I have always seen this. It shines through in strange ways.”

Wade closes his eyes. “I don’t wanna be a bad friend,” he says, remembering what Colossus told him back at the school. “You’re not a toy I can just pick up when I want you and then leave you lying around. You’re better than that.”

There’s a pause. “Wade,” says Colossus finally, and his voice is so warm, like a thick blanket that Wade could wrap himself up in and snuggle. “Oh Wade. There is your good heart. I do not think you are bad friend. You are busy. Is different. You have life you are trying to build. I understand this.”

Wade’s not sure why his chest feels so tight, but Colossus’s words give him that same fluttery feeling he gets when Nate says he’s proud of him. 

“Besides,” Colossus continues, “you were very unwell when I said that to you. People do things when they are in pain they would not normally do. I only want best for you, Wade.” 

“I appreciate that,” Wade says quietly. “Maybe I never acted like it, but I always did.”

“I know.” Wade can almost see the wry smile on Colossus’s face. “What you say and how you feel are not the same. I learned.”

“I hope I’m as good a dad as you,” Wade tells him.

“I don’t have any children.”

“No, but you’re what I wish my dad was like. So, yeah.” That might be too much information to dump on Colossus. Wade clears his throat. “Have you been watching Queer Eye? I need to catch up and—”

“Wade.” Colossus’s tone stops him from rambling. “Is alright.”

Wade gulps. “What, that I haven’t seen the latest season of Queer Eye?”

“You know what I mean.”

Shit. “I really thought you were clueless,” he says.

Colossus snorts. “At first,” he says. “I learned.”

“You could have said something,” Wade mutters.

“And make you ashamed? No. Was what you needed,” Colossus says gently. “I was happy to give it.”

And that makes Wade squirm even though there’s no one to see him. “I did need it,” he says quietly. “Thank you. I think you’re the only thing that kept me sane in there.”

Colossus snorts. “I care about you, Wade. That’s what friends do.”

“Pretty sure you went above and beyond the call of duty, cowboy,” says Wade, grinning now. “I’m gonna try paying you back with good stuff instead of bullshit from now on.”

“Thank you, Wade.” There’s that warm blanket voice again. “You are good friend.”

“I wanna be. That’s what you deserve,” Wade tells him.

Colossus makes a soft, pleased sound on the other end of the line, and it makes Wade wonder if he’d sound like that while he fucks, if that soft pleased noise is what he does when he sinks into someone slow, if he’d hold Wade down so sweetly it wouldn’t even feel like bondage—

Wade clears his throat. “I should probably let you get back to herding virgins,” he says. 

“Mm, yes. Class starts soon. Was very good to hear from you, Wade.” Colossus sounds like he’s smiling. “Tell Vanessa I say hello.”

“Will do. You take care, Colossus.”

“Piotr, Wade. Call me Piotr.”

Wade swallows. “Piotr. Take care.”

“And you. We will talk soon.” Colossus pauses. “Goodbye, Wade.”

“Bye,” Wade breathes into the phone as the call ends. He flops back on the bed and sighs, staring up at the ceiling.

In a perfect world, he’d be able to have all of them, Ness and Nate and Piotr, and it would be easy. In the real world, it’s anything but. Nate doesn’t want to share, Ness says it’s fine because she thinks he’s just in fuck buddies with Piotr, and Piotr—

It seems weird, thinking of Colossus by his real name. Intimate. Wade isn’t sure how it makes him feel.

The bedroom door opens. “Hey, guess what?” asks Ness brightly. “You don’t need your green card to get married! Just renew your Canadian passport and we can haul our asses to the courthouse.” 

Wade picks his head up. “Seriously?”

“That’s what the lawyer tells me. And he’s gonna look into Russell’s immigration status too.” She grins. “I kicked so much ass this morning, baby.”

“You always do.” Wade smiles back at her. “Hey Ness.”

“Hm?” She’s digging through a still unpacked box of paperwork.

“When you were dead, you told me not to fuck Colossus.”

Vanessa stops and puts down the paper she was holding. “Yeah. He’s in love with you, baby.”

Wade swallows. “So it’d be bad to fuck him if I’m never gonna date him.”

She studies him then. “I don’t know if he’d be happy with fuck buddies,” she finally says. “And you’d never be happy trying to be a couple.”

“You’re too smart for me, you know that?” he asks. “You kissed him after Nate disappeared. I went back for a do-over and erased it, but you did.”

Ness blinks. “Really? Did he blush?”

“Oh yeah.” Wade grins. “And he stuttered. It was so precious.”

“My kisses have that effect on men,” she says sagely. “Why did I kiss him?”

“Because he was good to me and we were scared and kind of pissed off at Nate,” he tells her.

“Oh. Yeah, okay.” She nods. “That makes sense. Wanna tell me why you’re asking me for reasons not to fuck Colossus?”

“It’s because he really wants to fuck Colossus,” says Nate. He steps into the room and closes the door behind him. “Sorry. Wasn’t trying to eavesdrop.”

Wade bites his lip. He really doesn’t want things to get weird with Nate, not when they’ve been going so well. “I don’t want you thinking I don’t love you, pudding cup,” he says hesitantly.

Nate snorts. “I’m not too worried about that,” he says, leaning against the door. He studies Wade with narrowed, thoughtful eyes. “You’re just wired that way, aren’t you? Falling a little bit in love with people all the time.”

He doesn’t sound mad or disappointed. Wade shrugs one shoulder, feeling ashamed of himself anyway. Maybe if he hadn’t read the comics he wouldn’t be so desperate for Nate to approve of him, but that ship’s sailed. 

“I can’t really blame you for being who you are,” murmurs Nate thoughtfully.

“See, when you said that in the comics you threw me out of your country,” Wade points out.

Nate pauses. “I’m not even gonna ask why I have a country,” he says after a beat. “Or why I threw you out of it. Or what the fuck you’re actually talking about, because I’m not throwing you out of anywhere.”

“Is this like that time you said I turned into a gorilla and died?” asks Ness with a frown.

“I don’t like that arc,” Wade mutters.

She shakes her head. “If Nate gets a country, I won’t let him throw you out of it.”

“Where the fuck is this conversation going?” Nate asks blankly.

“And you won’t let him make a half assed plan to have me lobotomize him if he gets too powerful either, right?” Wade knows he’s being pitiful now, but he’s feeling fragile.

“Of course not, baby,” says Ness soothingly.

“Why would I do that? What kind of fucking asshole would ask their partner to do that?” Nate sounds bewildered. 

Wade would like to take this opportunity to thank Ryan Reynolds and also Jesus for making his version of Nate nicer than Fabian Nicieza’s.

“Back to Wade’s natural inclination to polyamory,” says Ness, steering them away from the meta and toward the practical. 

“Mm, yeah.” Nate seems grateful for the change in subject. “How the hell did you two stay monogamous for years?”

Ness blinks. “Um, we fucked a lot of other people,” she says.

“You did?” he asks weakly.

Ness glances at Wade, who shrugs. “I mean, why did you think I knew he’d be fine with us sleeping together?”

“I thought it was because he and I were—” Nate looks embarrassed.

She raises an eyebrow. “Falling in love? Oh Nate, you were a keeper, it’s true. But if you hadn’t been, I’d still have fucked you and so would Wade.”

“It’s true,” Wade tells him. “We’re both sluts.”

Nate looks like he’s struggling with something, but he just nods. “So I’m the only one who has an issue with either of you fucking other people.”

Wade glances at Ness again. “I mean, open means you get a pass too,” he says. “Domino’s hot.”

“She is,” Ness agrees. 

“And you two were an item for years in the comics, so it’s hard to be mad about it if you wanted to bone down.” Wade shrugs. “Or that hot reporter you jerked around but never sealed the deal with. Or your evil clone. I mean, the possibilities are endless.”

Nate blinks at him. “Me and Domino?” he asks faintly.

Wade nods.

“Huh.” Nate’s expression turns thoughtful, and then he shakes his head. “You know, I don’t actually want to fuck anyone else.”

“You don’t now, but someday you might.” Ness tilts her head. “We’re here to be with you, Nate, not hold you back.”

“Is that what I’m doing, holding you back?” asks Nate gruffly.

Wade looks down, feeling like a selfish prick.

Vanessa smiles. “You always want something more when you know you can’t have it,” she says. “You want ice cream and you go get ice cream, it’s no big deal. But if you only let yourself have ice cream once a year, it’s a big fucking treat.”

“Sex is different than ice cream,” he tells her.

“Is it? Is it that different? You put something tasty in your body for ten to fifteen minutes,” she says with a wicked grin.

Nate sighs.

“Besides,” she continues, “I don’t know about you, but I love hearing details about all the dirty shit he gets up to.”

“Same,” Wade says cheerfully. “I’ve eaten come out of her pussy that was _definitely_ not mine.”

That makes Nate squirm a little, and Wade grins because he knows damn well that Nate has a _thing_ for oral.

Ness tosses her hair back. “Just think about it, Nate,” she says. “You could wait up, sitting alone in the dark until he gets back, and ask him if he’s been whoring it up again. And when he admits it, you could take him over your knee and make him show you how his slutty hole is all loose and wet.”

That has them both squirming; Wade likes that a lot, actually, likes the idea of Nate pressing fingers into him after Colossus has _wrecked_ him. Likes the idea of having to make amends for being an insatiable little slut who needs so much.

“You could make him tell you _all_ the dirty, dirty things he did,” she tells Nate. “And then you can tell him what slutty boys like him have to do to be good again.”

Wade might squeak. He’s not admitting to anything.

Nate clears his throat. “Is that what you do?” he asks.

“Me? I make him suck my strap-on while I tell him how good the other boys fucked me,” she says with a shrug.

Now Wade’s got a boner. 

Nate clears his throat again. “Really.”

Her lips curve into a knowing smile. “Why Nathan,” she says in a low voice that promises sex. “I don’t believe I’ve pegged you yet.”

“Wait, really?” Wade looks between them. “Jesus, Ness, he’s such a bottom for you.”

“I know.” She gives Nate a speculative once over. “I bet he’d look really pretty bouncing on my dick while you play with his.”

“Yes he would.” Wade eyes Nate thoughtfully.

Nate’s face is getting red, which is all kinds of precious. He shuffles his feet like a little boy. 

“Crotchless panties,” Wade decides. “So you can fuck his sopping wet pussy while I torture his clit.”

“Baby, you’re a genius,” Ness tells him happily. “You like that idea, Nate?”

He grunts and nods, not meeting either of their eyes.

“Show me,” she says in her sharp dominatrix voice. “Take your dick out and show me how you like it.”

Nate actually whimpers, and fuck, it’s hot the way he just reaches down and opens his pants without any hesitation. Ness has him trained so well.

“Look at that big thick cock,” Ness coos. “Don’t you wanna suck it, Wade?”

Yeah, actually. Wade eyes the dick in question and feels his mouth start to water. He wants to choke on it, wants Nate to gasp and whine while he pushes Wade’s head down and tries so hard not to come. So he nods, because Ness needs answers when she gets in a mood like this.

“Too bad,” she says with a grin. “You don’t get to taste him until I say you can. And that’s not gonna be until I’ve got him squirming on my cock.”

Nate makes a low, throaty sound, hands hovering close to his dick like he’s hoping Ness is gonna let him touch it.

Ness makes a show of setting the timer on her phone. “Thirty seconds, Nate. Make ‘em count.”

Nate’s got both hands on his dick before she even finishes speaking, pumping furiously with a needy little whine. Wade stares at him, feeling his whole body draw up tight and hungry. God, what he wouldn’t give to knock those hands away and wrap his lips around that pretty cock. Or better, he could choke on Nate’s dick while Piotr rails him from behind. And Nate could eat Ness out while she tells them all what good boys they’re being. Wade has the best ideas.

The timer goes off on Ness’s phone and Nate drops his hands with a despairing sound. He lets his head thump back against the doorframe and takes a second to breathe.

Okay, Ness has the best ideas. But Wade’s come up with some good ones over the years. 

“So good for me,” Ness soothes Nate. “Come here, baby.”

Nate opens his eyes and swallows and shuffles over. It should look really stupid with his pants open and his hard dick flopping around, but Wade’s still lost in his fantasy foursome, so it just looks hot. He drops to his knees in front of Vanessa and lays his head in her lap so she can pet his hair. 

“I’m gonna make you come so hard,” she whispers to him. “Such a sweet patient little slut. I’m gonna fuck you so good tonight you see stars.”

Nate shudders, hiding his face against her thigh.

“Can I masturbate now?” Wade asks. “That sad little noise he made when you made him stop was really hot.”

Nate groans but doesn’t lift his head up.

“Want your unicorn?” Ness asks.

“Sure.” Wade reaches for it as she hands it over. 

He’s quick about it; after all, it’s the middle of the day and he promised Ness he’d be her kitchen bitch tonight while she meal preps. They still get pizza every Friday night, but she’s getting a little concerned about eating healthy now that Babypool’s got an official pulse and everything.

Still, he thinks about Colossus—Piotr—and his warm, rich voice and his big hands that soothe and hurt and the way Nate moans like he’s dying every time Ness edges him. Really, he doesn’t even have to make an effort to come fast. Life contains a glorious abundance of spank bank material.

He leaves the unicorn on Nate’s side of the bed and showers so Hope won’t make the stinky face at him, and then he goes downstairs to put on Ness’s frilly apron.

They meal prep; Wade has fun organizing a contest where the goal for each kid is to catch the most pieces of flying carrot in their mouths. Hope wins, but only because she cheats. Vanessa declares it a wash and says they can have a rematch next week.

Nate watches them with a beer and a smile, helping when he’s asked but otherwise sipping whatever shitty stuff Dopinder brought over and reading the news.

And later that night, after the roast chicken with carrots and potatoes and charred greens, and the reality tv mini-marathon, and the nagging Russell about his homework while Hope gloats over having free time, Ness gives Nate a loaded look and he sits up like a well-trained hunting dog.

“I’m gonna go work upstairs,” he says gruffly, and gets to his feet.

Russell and Hope make faces, which tells Wade that no one’s buying it, but whatever.

“Hope, I showered _twice_ today, so by the laws of this land, you have to brush your teeth,” he tells her.

She groans dramatically. “But I don’t want to!”

“You wanna look like a fucked-up hillbilly? Go. Brush your teeth. You’ve even got the tasty toothpaste.”

She sulks.

“Go on,” Wade nudges her off the couch with a foot under her ass, politely ignoring the way she growls at him. “You’re weird, kiddo, and you can’t be weird _and_ gross or no one will like you.”

“You’re weird and gross,” she points out.

“That should scare you into brushing your teeth.”

She makes a face, but skulks off toward the upstairs bathroom.

God, Wade wishes he could play brain footsie with Nate. Poking his brain while he fingers himself upstairs in the shower would be way too much fun. Maybe Ness will do it.

Takes awhile for the kids to be in their pajamas and all set to go to bed whenever they feel like it, but by the time they’re ready to go upstairs and raw Nate, Wade feels confident that they won’t fall asleep in their clothes on the living room floor. 

But he forgets all about the kids when they open the bedroom door to find Nate sitting on the bed holding Vanessa’s harness on his lap. 

Nate looks up when they close the door behind them and swallows. His whole body is tense with anticipation, but he doesn’t say anything.

“Go put your good girl panties on,” Ness says after a minute of admiring the view. “Don’t tell me you don’t know where they are.”

Nate closes his eyes, and a shudder runs through him as a drawer opens and Wade’s soft blue crotchless panties come sailing across the room into his hand.

“I’ll take that.” Ness plucks the harness from Nate’s lap and pats his cheek. “Go on, pretty girl. Put your panties on and I’ll take care of the rest.” She drops the harness on the bed and pulls her shirt over her head.

There’s nothing for Wade to do but get naked, so he works on that, tossing his clothes in the vague direction of the closet and sneaking peeks at Nate as he pulls the pretty blue panties up over his straining cock. 

Fuck, he looks good from this angle.

So does Ness where she’s laying out a dazzling array of dildos, like the world’s sexiest buffet or maybe Sophie’s Choice. She’s got a range of sizes from Wade’s favorite monster cock (he knows he’s a size queen, he’s not ashamed) to a slim little purple number that Wade knows from experience will nail Nate’s prostate with devastating precision. She has about six in total, all in a neat little row.

“Nate,” she says gently, “I need you to decide something.”

Poor Nate’s been facing away from the bed, so when he turns he gets an eyeful of the dildo buffet for the first time. He actually gulps, his face going slack and greedy for a second before he looks to Vanessa.

She’s naked, looking perfect and powerful with miles of skin on display. There’s no trace of Babypool just yet, which Wade finds oddly disappointing, but she is glowing. Or maybe that’s just how Wade always sees her. When Nate doesn’t speak, she says, “good girls get to pick, baby. Go on, choose the best cock for me to stuff you with.”

Nate breathes in sharply, looking from her face to the selection of toys. Wade can already see him overthinking it, just like Wade always does when Ness pulls this on him. God, that woman can mindfuck as well as she actually fucks.

Wade loves her.

And he loves watching the way Nate chews his lip before reaching for the monster cock.

“Greedy,” Ness tuts. “That’s not like you.”

Nate drops the dildo like it burned him.

Wade can’t help it, he giggles. Nate throws him a betrayed look, but it’s mixed with need, so Wade reaches out to pet his fingers down Nate’s back. He’ll soothe, but he won’t help. He likes watching Nate squirm.

Nate melts at the touch and sighs, looking thoughtfully back at the remaining five dildos. He narrows his eyes, and for a second Wade can see him going tactical, weighing options the way a soldier does.

“Which one do you want, Nate?” Ness asks softly, wrecking him all over again. 

He takes a shaky breath and reaches for a vibrating number. Decent length, nice girth. An average cock until you turn it on.

“Hmm,” says Vanessa doubtfully.

Nate pauses, indecision flashing across his face. He takes his hand off the dildo and eyes the rest. After a moment, he runs a finger along the slim one.

“Somebody wants to get fucked rough,” says Ness with a smirk. “That’s the one I use when I don’t want to be nice. You want me to be nice, Nate?”

Nate takes his hand back; Wade can see it shaking. “You pick,” he whispers.

She shakes her head. “No, this is for you. You’re such a good girl, aren’t you? You want so badly to be good for me. Go on, choose one.”

Nate nods slowly, swallowing as he stares helplessly at the dildos. He starts to reach for a nicely curved one.

“Careful now,” Ness says softly. She’s trying not to laugh at how distressed Nate looks.

Finally he sets his jaw and grabs the slim prostate destroyer. With a defiant kind of look he holds it out toward Vanessa and raises his chin.

Ness raises her eyebrows. “So that’s your choice, huh? You want me to wreck your pussy with that?”

Nate nods, grinding his teeth.

“You want me to be mean?” she asks. Gentle now, so sweet when he expects her to be cruel.

The contrast makes him shudder, and fuck, Wade can’t wait to ruin him. “Please,” he whispers.

“I should be mean to you?” Ness smirks. “After you’ve been so good? Or is there something I should know, Nathan? Have you been dirty while I wasn’t looking?”

Nate’s face is burning; Wade thinks he could fry an egg on it. “I—”

“Have you been playing with yourself without my permission?” She reaches out to run her hand through Nate’s hair. “Did you make yourself come?”

“No!” Nate’s eyes get big. “I wouldn’t.” He hangs his head.

“Your panties are soaked,” Ness tells him mercilessly. She tugs on his hair and he moans. “You haven’t been bad at all, have you? You’re just a depraved little slut who likes it when I’m mean.”

Nate whines, high and thin, and nods as much as he can with her hand in his hair. “Yes,” he gasps. 

“Say it.”

“I like it when you’re mean,” he whispers.

“And why is that?”

Nate’s hands clench. “Because I’m a depraved little slut,” he chokes out.

“And that’s why you fingered yourself open for my cock, wasn’t it? So I’ll pound you all the way back to the future while you squeal and cry?”

“ _Yes,_ ” he breathes.

That voice she’s using has Wade sitting up like a puppy, ready to help when she wants him to. It’s so comforting, watching Ness when she’s like this. Hot too, but god, does he love relaxing and letting her steer. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to suck Nate’s dick through those panties.

“Wade.” Her voice makes him shiver. “Play with this slut while I get suited up. Don’t let her come.”

Wade doesn’t tackle Nate, exactly, but he does push him backwards and straddle him so he can run his hands over his chest and make him arch with a pretty sigh. “She’s gonna raw you,” he tells Nate happily. “You’re gonna soak your panties begging to come.”

Nate whines, reaching out to grip the sheets. Holding on without grabbing Wade back. God, he’s so submissive. 

Wade traces his fingers over the seam of metal mesh where it meets skin, keeping his touches light. Teasing. “Shame I can’t fuck your tits,” he says as he wiggles, rubbing his dick against Nate’s thigh. “They’re big enough.”

Nate bites his lip at that, looking so pretty Wade has to kiss him. He opens for it, letting Wade have his mouth while he shivers under Wade’s curious hands. Wade brushes his nipple with a thumb and it makes him gasp, his whole body going tense.

“Mmm, that was nice for you, wasn’t it?” Wade whispers against his mouth, and does it again.

Nate whines, pushing his chest up for more.

“Maybe I’ll get to fuck you after she’s done,” Wade muses, nibbling on Nate’s neck while he pets his sad lonely nipple and makes him writhe. “What do you think? Should I push in while you’re all shaky and oversensitive and twitchy and fuck you through it and see if you can come again?”

Nate lets out a helpless little cry then, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head. Wade’s not sure if that’s a no or if he’s just overwhelmed; they can revisit the idea later.

Because Wade’s just heard the snap that accompanies Vanessa’s getting her cock secured. He sits up with a farewell pet to Nate’s nipple and looks her over eagerly. “Or maybe she can fuck me after you get yours,” he says, eyeing the dildo. “Not like you’d even have to change cocks, baby.”

“Wade, that’s gross even if you are immune to hepatitis,” she says. “And I told you to play with him, not break him. Roll him over so he’s ass up.”

Wade pushes on Nate, who groans but rolls over. When he’s on his front, Ness slaps his ass.

“Up on your knees, sweetie,” she says cheerfully. “I’m not letting you hump the mattress while I give it to you.”

Nate shuffles up on his knees, ass gloriously on display. His hole is pink and puffy, and shiny where the light hits it. 

“Damn, you’re wet,” murmurs Ness, stroking a fingertip along the back of Nate’s thigh. It makes him hang his head and moan, and she grins. “You’ve been thinking about this all night, haven’t you?”

Nate nods, swallowing loudly. 

“That’s because you’re a needy slut,” Vanessa tells him affectionately. “Relax, pretty girl. I’m gonna put it in you now.”

Nate’s back bows when she pushes into him, and he lets out the prettiest moan for her, clutching the sheets tighter and tighter until she finally bottoms out.

“Fuck,” Nate pants. His arms are trembling.

“Oh, your pussy’s about to get popped.” Wade flops down next to him, propping himself up on an elbow. “I can’t decide if I wanna sit back there and watch her fuck you or whether I should stay here and watch your face.”

Nate gasps as Ness starts to move, knuckles going white on his flesh hand. “No bad options,” he gasps. 

Wade’s honestly impressed he can be funny while he’s getting fucked like he is. Considering the faces he’s making, Ness has honed in on his prostate and it’s making him real happy.

He scoots closer to Nate. “I’d play with your clit,” he whispers conspiratorially, “but I know she’ll like it if you come untouched. It makes her feel powerful when she can get you there with just her cock.”

Nate bites his lip. 

“And I know you can come like that,” Wade says, reaching out to pet Nate’s side. The muscles in his arm jump as he tries not to squirm away from Wade’s fingers. “I know it feels so good when she nails your g-spot. You’ve soaked all through your good girl panties, Nate.”

Nate’s got his head down again, but he turns to look at Wade with a dazed, hot look. Fucked-out, after only a few minutes. It’s a good look on him.

Ness slips her arms around him and urges him up onto his knees. “Come on, pretty girl, spread those legs for me,” she purrs. “You like my cock, beautiful? Did you make the right choice?” And she punctuates the question with an absolutely brutal thrust that makes Nate yell.

“Fuck, she’s loud,” Wade says with a grin. “Next time we might have to gag her if she’s gonna squeal loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood.”

“They’re all gonna know how good we’re giving it to you,” says Ness with a grin. She bites Nate’s ear, making him whine. “Everybody’s gonna know what a dirty, dirty girl you are.”

Wade pushes onto his knees too. No way is he missing out on this party. “And you are _such_ a dirty girl,” he agrees. “Good girls don’t like getting used as a come dump.”

“Nope,” pants Ness; she’s starting to sweat, the hair around her temples curling prettily. “They don’t touch their clits thinking about getting used like a plaything.”

Nate’s making these punched-out sobbing noises, chest heaving. He’s so hard, cock straining at the front of his panties.

“Good girls _definitely_ don’t wear slutty panties like yours,” he says, and he reaches down to stroke a finger over Nate’s cock because he’s got no impulse control. “These are whore panties, Nate. Only whores who wanna get fucked wear these.”

“Are you my whore?” asks Ness, grinding in and rolling her hips.

“ _Yes,_ ” Nate gasps, hips bucking into Wade’s touch. “Please, fuck, I wanna come, I wanna come...”

“Oh no.” Ness grits her teeth and reaches down; the telltale buzzing starts and she bucks her hips, rocking into the sensation and humping Nate a little more sloppily. “Not until I get mine, bitch.”

He arches, mouth falling open in a shaky moan. “Oh god,” he breathes. “Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, please. Jesus...”

Wade slips a hand into Nate’s panties, fondling his cock. It’s more of a tease than anything, a little extra pull to get him going. “You’re in for it now, gorgeous. Ness fucks _hard_ when she wants to come.”

It’s true; Ness grabs Nate’s hips and just fucking plows him. He’s moaning louder than a drunk sorority girl in an upstairs bedroom at a house party, and she’s snarling as she drives into him. Her hips always get a little twitchy when she gets close, and Wade’s felt it before, but he’s never seen her get all desperate and jackrabbity. It’s freaking adorable, and exactly the way a teenage boy fucks when he hasn’t learned how to control himself. 

Luckily, premature ejaculation isn’t a big concern with a silicone dildo.

“She’s gonna come in you,” whispers Wade, delighted by the way Nate’s cock jumps at his words. “She’s gonna leave you all sloppy and used and then she’s gonna tag me in and I’m gonna fuck you too.”

Nate’s openly sobbing now, whispering, “ _yes yes yes,_ ” in a rough voice that’s doing all sorts of things to Wade’s dick. He groans and jerks when Ness goes rougher than usual, and Wade pulls his hand out of Nate’s panties to caress his now wet thumb across Nate’s lonely neglected nipple.

“You just love being used, don’t you?” he asks softly, and Nate comes with an agonized moan.

“Goddammit Wade!” hisses Vanessa. “I wasn’t done!”

Wade looks at Nate, at the red, blotchy face and his heaving chest. “So keep going.”

Nate makes a whiny sound, but Wade shushes him.

Ness grins. “Wade Wilson, sometimes I forget what a sadist you are.”

Wade blows her a kiss.

She squeezes Nate’s hips once, like a question, and must like whatever answer he thinks at her because then she’s off again and Nate collapses against Wade in a quivering mess while she gasps and grunts and thrusts behind him. It doesn’t take her long; Vanessa doesn’t spend money on shitty vibrators, and the bullet’s insistent buzzing kicks up another notch, making her moan.

She rakes her nails along Nate’s sides in revenge, hissing, “You fucking brat, I’m gonna— _fuck!_ ”

Wade looks down to see Nate grinning through the mess of tears on his face. “Oh my god,” he mutters, looking up in time to see Ness convulse and fuck in hard one last time. “Good girl,” he whispers to Nate, soft enough that she can’t hear while she’s coming her brains out. “Sneaky, conniving, good little girl.”

Nate whines, hiding his face in Wade’s shoulder and mouthing at the skin there.

Ness finally pulls out with a gasp, scrambling at the harness to get the bullet turned off. “Jesus Christ,” she mutters, panting. 

“My turn!” Wade announces brightly. He’s for sure getting Nate off again for that little stunt. Let him play Wade and Ness against each other just often enough that he thinks he can get away with it. They can always change the rules and punish him later. He’d enjoy it; Nate’s a freak like that.

Ness flops onto her back and waves him on. “Ride him, cowboy.”

Wade grins and crawls over to her. “First gimme a kiss, baby mama,” he says, and when she tugs him down he slips a hand into her harness, making her gasp and arch. He breaks the kiss with a wink and wiggles the bullet. “I’m gonna need this.”

“Hell yeah,” she says with a sated grin, and puts her arms behind her head, purple dick still sticking straight up.

“Oh _Naa-aate,_ ” Wade singsongs as he comes back around the bed, “I’m gonna need you to roll over, honey. I’m craving some of that heavy eye contact.”

Nate snorts, and Wade has to grin back at him as he rolls over, because Wade does appreciate Nate’s ability to laugh at him even when he’s balls deep in subspace.

He pushes Nate’s thighs up, spreading him wide and letting him look over his wet, soft cock and balls, which are peeking out the bottom of the crotchless panties. Wade helpfully reaches down and adjusts, giving Nate’s balls a little pat once he’s put them back. “There, that’s better. God, she made a mess of you.”

Nate squirms. “Yeah,” he grunts; Wade loves how he gets extra growly when he’s fucked-out.

“I’m gonna make it worse,” Wade warns him. “Just so you know. Bring me more lube, pudding cup? I like my babymaking wet and sloppy.”

Nate groans, and the lube smacks Wade in the side of the head. Wade picks it up and gives Nate a disappointed look.

“That was beneath you,” he says.

Nate just rolls his hips, rubbing against Wade’s cock in a very successful bid to distract him.

“Slap his dick,” Ness suggests.

“Now baby,” Wade says primly as he slicks his cock up, “you know pussy slapping is filthy.” 

“So slap his asshole with your dick,” she says.

“Stop telling me how to run my fuck,” he says with a grin. “Isn’t she bossy?” he asks Nate.

Wisely, Nate keeps his mouth shut.

Wade slaps his dick against Nate’s asshole anyway. It was a good idea, after all, and the outraged shock on Nate’s face, which melts into a grimace when Wade pushes in, is totally worth it. 

“Fuck, you’re all loose and sloppy, baby,” Wade groans. He’s already moving; watching Nate get railed like he did has him too horny for a lot of teasing, and besides, fucking Nate hard when he’s so oversensitive and making these soft little pained noises is really hot. “Love your wet little cunt.”

Nate actually mewls, legs trembling as he tries to close them.

“Nope, nope,” says Wade lightly, pushing them apart. “None of that, baby girl. You’re gonna take it. Gonna let me come so deep in your wrecked little pussy.”

Nate’s mouth falls open and he stares up at Wade with shame and need warring across his face. Wade takes the opportunity to start the bullet. His hand is gonna be numb by the end of this, but it’s worth it for the open fear in Nate’s eyes. “No,” Nate breathes. “Fuck, wait, wait, it’s too much, please, it’s—”

The rest of what Nate was about to say is lost in a ragged cry when Wade palms Nate’s cock through the panties, bullet tucked snugly against his hand. “Oh, you clench up so sweet for me, pretty girl. Squeeze me again, just like that. Yeah, fuck. You get real nice and tight when I vibe your clit, don’t you?”

Wade watches as Nate writhes under him, all rigid muscles and sweat streaked face. He’s making such pretty noises, desperately shaking his head when Wade ups the power with a careful flick of his finger. Nate’s teeth grind, and Wade realizes what he’s doing.

“Aww, baby’s trying not to scream. Can’t let the neighbors hear what a slut you are, can you? But I like you loud, baby. Let the fucking neighbors hear how good I give it to you. Squeal for me, baby, come on.”

“Can’t,” Nate pants. “Wanna— _shit!—_ be able to look at Hope in the morning.”

Wade laughs. “Oh, pudding cup. Those kids have headphones in already, I promise. Russell told me that’s what they do when I get loud.”

“Goddammit,” Nate hisses, face twisting up. “Fuck, Wade, it’s too much, Jesus.”

“Really? Come on now. Safeword’s pineapple.” Wade raises his eyebrows and thrusts in harder to make Nate yell.

“Don’t remember discussing that,” gasps Nate, writhing. “Oh _god._ ”

Wade waits, but he doesn’t say anything. A glance at Ness’s grinning face is all the confirmation he needs. “Aww, you’re just being shy again.” 

Nate’s hips buck wildly as he tries to squirm away from the bullet, but Wade’s relentless, pressing down more firmly and rubbing in time with his thrusts. “ _Wade,_ ” he moans, “ _please, Jesus..._ ”

“Give it up, you little slut,” Wade growls, feeling his balls tighten. His hand is numb, but Nate’s responses are too gorgeous to stop now. “Come for me, cream these little whore panties.”

And god, Nate _does._ He comes beautifully, straining and gasping, and his open mouth looks so wet Wade bends to kiss him and eat all the high animal noises he’s making. He keeps the bullet on, fucking thoughtlessly, because he likes to break Nate, likes to reduce him to this quivering thing and know that Nate could stop him but won’t. It’s sadistic, and he can taste Nate’s tears as they kiss, but fuck if it doesn’t push him past the point of no return.

He groans into Nate’s mouth when he comes, twitching his hips as he rides it out. Nate’s breathing in heaving sobs, trying to buck him off but not too hard, and he won’t stop kissing Wade. It’s so good, feeling him like this, hurting him and watching him love it.

Wade turns the bullet off and shakes out his hand, still buried inside Nate. When feeling starts to come back to his fingers, he gingerly pulls out and sits back. “God,” he whispers, raking his eyes over Nate’s prone body, “you were fucking amazing, pudding cup.”

Nate stares at him, red-faced and breathing hard. He hasn’t moved from where Wade splayed him out on the bed, so his open, wet hole is still on display for Wade, just like the twisted stained panties and the tear tracks on his cheeks. He’s beautiful.

“You really needed that, huh?” Wade reaches out and strokes his fingertips over Nate’s thigh. When Nate nods, Wade leans over to kiss him. “God, I love you,” he whispers. 

Nate reaches for him now, winding his arms around Wade’s neck to pull him down so they’re pressed together. Wade wiggles against him, knowing it’s disgusting and not caring. 

“God, you two are adorable.” Wade blinks in the direction of Ness’s voice. She’s got the harness off and she’s standing next to the bed in one of Wade’s t-shirts. “Come on, Wade, I’ll get Nate put back together and you can get us some sheets that aren’t totally soaked.”

Wade groans, but he rolls off Nate with one last peck on the lips and hands him off to Ness. Sheets that don’t have jizz on them sound almost as good as sleep, which he won’t be getting any of if he doesn’t do what she tells him. Besides, Ness is way better at the aftercare shit that Nate needs after sessions like this.

By the time he’s got clean sheets on the bed (because the author isn’t the type to describe the minutiae of household chores), Nate’s been bundled in a towel and he’s fresh as a daisy. He’s also leaning hard against Ness, nuzzling into her shoulder while she rubs the back of his neck.

Wade flops on the clean bed and starfishes until Ness slaps his ass and tells him to move over. He does it with a grin, opening his arms so Nate can shove into them and start burrowing into Wade’s clavicle. It’s nice, the feeling Wade gets when Nate’s clingy like this. Makes him feel needed.

So he cuddles back, because he wants Nate to know he needs him too, and he rests a hand on the leg Ness hitches over Nate’s hip, thumb tracing little patterns on her thigh. She sighs, trailing kisses across Nate’s broad shoulders, until he falls asleep between them.

“Love you, baby,” Wade murmurs, yawning.

“I know,” she says sleepily, and Wade smiles as he drifts off.


	8. Chapter 8

Did you know that Russell actually starts to smoke when he’s embarrassed? We found that out when we let him and Hope know about their joint baby shower with Babypool by taking the cover off the cake. Set off the fire alarms, but once we fixed that we had a hell of a party. Yukio was definitely the right choice of party planner. Ness let people sign her belly, we got presents, there were cheesy games, and as much as the kids rolled their eyes, they kept giving each other these grins when they thought no one was looking. Hope’s still wearing her flower crown.

—

“What about Willow?” Wade suggests in the middle of breakfast. “That’s whimsical and totally meta.”

Ness takes a thoughtful bite of her avocado toast. “Willow Wilson? You’re gonna make our baby suffer through alliteration just like you do?”

Wade shrugs. He’s been putting off name discussions, but it might be time to stop with the paranoia.

At least on this one topic.

“You can put down the cream cheese spreader,” Ness says gently. “Nate’s between us and the door.”

“But baby, this is my emotional support cream cheese spreader.” He twirls the sharpened blade in his hand.

She shrugs, accepting it and taking another bite of toast. “I still like Connor for a boy.”

Wade’s not sure how he feels about Connor. “Maybe. Not a hard no, anyway.”

Vanessa’s whole face lights up when she smiles at him. “Althea for a middle name. If it’s a girl.”

Wade blinks. “Yeah?” he asks softly. 

“Yeah.” She reaches across the table with her free hand and gives his a squeeze.

He nods, feeling a little puffy in the throat area. He might be asphyxiating. “I like that.”

“Good. That’s one down out of four.” She grins. “And I got us a date at the courthouse in two months. Time to get your fucking passport renewed.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He already sent in the paperwork and has his passport. But he’ll save it as a surprise. Ness loves to manage him, after all, so he might as well give her stuff to do.

She’s starting to show, four months in. Two months from now, she’s gonna be so pregnant at their wedding. Wade’s delighted by the idea; her belly’s fascinating and Wade likes to tap messages on it in Morse code. Nate says Babypool can hear it.

Now Ness is scrolling through her phone. “Man, there’s a lot of hipster trash names on here,” she mutters. 

Wade snorts. “Find any good ones? No Tonys or Steves or Peters, we don’t need that kind of competition for our kid to live up to.”

“And definitely no Jessicas either,” Ness agrees. “Hm, what about Lydia?”

“Beetlejuice,” Wade points out.

“Fuck, you’re right. Thomas?”

“Not digging the s leading right into Wilson.”

She pauses to consider and then concedes. “Michael?”

“Maybe.” He’s not feeling any boys’ names, and he doesn’t know why.

Nate wanders into the kitchen, apparently done doing push-ups in the living room. He’s appealingly sweaty and heads straight for the sink to get a glass of water.

“How about Eleanor?” Ness suggests.

“I like that one,” Nate says mildly from the sink.

Wade pauses and then slowly turns in his chair to make some heavy eye contact.

“Nathan,” Ness says sweetly, “you wanna tell us how long you’ve been sitting on top secret information about our baby?”

He raises his eyebrows. “Since before you were pregnant.”

“What happened to no spoilers?” Wade demands. “Although that makes perfect sense. They changed your kid situation in the movies too, Nate, so of course Ellie’s me and Ness’s kid here.”

“Ellie?” Ness looks between them. “Ellie Wilson?”

“I mean, it was Camacho in the comics, but I guess we’re taking canon out back and capping that bitch like Old Yeller.” Wade scratches his head. “You’re not black, Ness.”

She stares at him.

“Are you?” Wade blinks at her. “I mean, whitewashing in Hollywood is a serious problem.”

“We just found out we’re having a girl and you’re talking about whitewashing in Hollywood? I don’t give a shit what skin color she has,” Ness snaps. “We’re having a little girl!”

And then it hits him. “Oh my god, we are,” he blurts. And then sits there, blinking stupidly across the table from Ness.

“Think he needs a minute,” Nate says to Ness.

“He’s just untangling canon, I think.” Ness picks up her toast again. “He tried to explain it to me once when we were drunk, but it’s confusing. I just trust he knows what he’s talking about.”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re a brave woman?”

She snorts. “I fucked you. I know I’m brave.”

“We’re having a girl,” Wade murmurs. A daughter he can love and raise with her mother. A kid he won’t have to give up because he’s such a fuckup he won’t be able to do right by her. Oh, he hopes she’s got Vanessa’s smile. 

That weird asphyxiating feeling is back. He chugs his hot coffee until it passes. 

When he puts his cup down, Ness is giving him that warm, soft, somehow knowing look he loves. “Eleanor Althea?” she asks.

He nods wordlessly.

That’s when Hope comes tearing into the kitchen in a whirl of red hair, elbowing Nate out of the way and diving for the fridge, where her lunchbox contains delicious leftovers from last night’s Thai takeout. It’s got vegetables and Wade loves her too much to feed her cafeteria food. “Gotta go love you bye!” she yells as she launches herself up the stairs.

“You think we did the right thing letting her bodyslide to school?” asks Ness idly.

“She’d never get enough sleep otherwise, with how early they fucking start,” grumbles Nate. He’d been so offended by the state of education in the present that it took everything they had to convince him to let Hope go to first grade.

Wade’s already looking forward to parent-teacher conferences. Nate made himself enough of a nuisance when they were looking at schools that Wade’s pretty sure they’ve got him on a list somewhere. It’s gonna be hilarious watching mutant Jesus fighting with a first grade teacher over the alphabet.

“Well, she’d better get there on time with what we’re paying for tuition,” Ness grumbles. “Thank god Russell’s school is free. We’ll be broke by the time Ellie’s done with college.”

“They can all go to Xavier’s once they get old enough,” Nate points out. 

“Wow. Spoiler alert,” says Ness. “You know what her powers are gonna be too?”

“No. Just that she has them.” Nate shrugs. “Anyone else want a protein shake?”

No one does, so he gets the blender out and makes himself some breakfast. Or what passes for breakfast in his muscular brain. Wade prefers burritos, but Nate’s weird like that. They tolerate his health food thing like they tolerate Ness’s snoring and Wade’s masturbation unicorn.

“So wedding reception here,” Ness decides. “We can just have a buffet and get it catered; that’s easiest.”

“We could do it at Sister Margaret’s,” Wade suggests. “It’s where we first met.”

Ness grins. “And make Weasel eat the liquor costs? Baby, that’s a great idea. He still owes me for all that time he let me think you were dead, and it’s about time I cash in.”

“You’d have to clean the floor of that place with a sandblaster,” Nate mutters darkly. He’s not a Weasel fan, due to some weird ideas about friendship and loyalty and not selling people out when threatened with torture. 

“I’m texting him,” Ness announces. “The bar fits more people, anyway.”

“Feels more like a real party too.” Wade’s grinning. “Cheer up, Nate, we’ll be well-defended while we get drunk on free beer.”

Nate shakes his head, but Wade sees him grinning into his nasty protein shake when Ness crows triumphantly that Weasel caved.

“Well, shit. That’s the venue and the booze all handled.” Ness is grinning. “Now we just have to cater this bitch and we’re good.”

“And we didn’t even need Domino,” Wade says happily.

“I’m gonna get invitations,” Ness tells him, shoving the last of her toast in her mouth and getting to her feet. “Nate, I’m inviting your parents because I want to enjoy Scott’s face when he sees me wear white. Your job is to get Jean drunk at the reception. Piotr and Hank can both come because I love them.”

“Storm electrocuted me,” Wade points out.

“Yeah, that’s her off the guest list. But you said you tried to shoot her.”

“I tried to shoot Nate too, but he didn’t fry me.”

“Good point.” Ness drops a kiss to the top of his head. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” he says to her, watching her disappear up the stairs.

“I take it this isn’t a lot like normal weddings in this time?” asks Nate.

“Have you not seen Bridezillas?” Wade asks him; when he shakes his head, Wade sighs. “Oh boy. Come with me, some things you have to see for yourself.”

—

One thing no one ever tells you (or maybe they do, and Wade just wasn’t paying attention) is how freaking weird pregnancy is. One minute he’s eating at his favorite Ness-flavored buffet, and the next she’s kicking him in the head and running for the bathroom, leaving him dazed on the bed while he listens to her pee.

“Uh,” he says, “did you finish?”

“No,” she snaps bitterly. “You’d be sorry if I had.”

Wade makes a face. 

She comes back and sits on the bed, sighing. “I knew this was gonna happen, but I can’t say I was prepared.”

“What, having to pee all the time? You get used to it,” he tells her.

She gives him a fond, amused look. “At least you won’t judge me.”

He slips an arm around her and kisses her hair. “Never. You’re growing a person who likes to sit on your bladder for funsies.”

“She’s absolutely your kid,” Ness mutters.

“Oh yeah.” Wade’s perversely proud of Ellie’s ability to be a pain in the ass. “And we can be pee buddies before she’s born.”

Ness gets quiet for a minute. “I peed on Nate last week,” she finally admits.

“Did he like it?” 

She laughs. “No, I finally found a kink he’s not into. But he was sweet about it, anyway.”

“He’s been through all this before.” Wade waves a hand casually. 

“Yeah, but I doubt Aliya ever pissed on him while he was fucking her. He wasn’t _that_ blasé about it. Mostly he seemed embarrassed for me.”

“Well, now we know you’ve gotta pee before and after sex.” Wade nods. “Or fuck in the shower. I bet I won’t even notice in the shower.”

She snorts. “Mister problem solver.”

“Sometimes I have good ideas.”

She kisses him, licking his chin. “Come on then,” she says with a grin. “I didn’t finish, remember?” And she stands up, tangling her fingers with his, to lead him into the shower.

—

As the wedding gets closer, Wade starts to appreciate that as the groom he has very limited responsibilities. Show up is the big one, preferably wearing a suit, and pick someone to give Ness the ring they’d chosen together what feels like a hundred years ago. When he considers that Vanessa has to buy a dress and get her hair done and shit, it doesn’t seem like a lot. Which makes it all the more important to get it right.

So he does some quick searching to see where exactly one goes about getting a suit tailored for a short fat kid like Russell, and then waits for him to bodyslide home on a Friday afternoon.

“Get in, loser,” he says when Russell comes into the kitchen and drops his backpack, “we’re going shopping.”

“For what?” Russell ignores him and goes for the fridge. 

Wade eyes him critically; is he getting taller? Maybe. “Suits. We gotta look good for the wedding.”

Russell’s ass is the only visible part of him as he rummages around for a soda. “Fun.”

“We can make it an adventure! Nothing like the first time a young man gets his inseam measured.”

“Gross. Do we have to go tonight? They’ve been busting my balls all week.”

Wade feels for him, he really does. But still. “Of course we do. Can’t let my best man get a suit that clashes with mine, can I?”

Russell slowly closes the fridge. “What?”

“You heard me.” Wade grins.

“Best man?” Russell asks blankly. He blinks several times, face slack with surprise. 

“You’re the only guy for the job,” Wade says with a crooked smile.

“Wade, I don’t—fuck.” Russell looks down. “You want a real adult for this, not me.”

“Despite my long and extensive list of close friends, Russell, I do in fact want you.” 

“You sure?” Russell swallows hard. “I might fuck it up.”

“If you fuck up, I promise to fuck up worse,” Wade says. “Worst case scenario, I’ll give you a backup ring. It’ll be great.”

Russell’s fingers dent the soda can he’s clutching. “I—if you’re sure,” he finally says. And then, squaring his shoulders, “yeah, I’ll do it. I’ll be the best fucking man in the history of weddings.”

“That’s the spirit! Now let’s go get fancy. Dopinder’s waiting at the corner to ferry us to Fashion Week.”

“What?”

“Metaphorically speaking. Come on.”

—

“You know Vanessa is scarier than that T-1000 you brought home, right?” Weasel glares at Wade as he watches Dopinder put up a white and gold banner that reads ‘Just Married’ and stretches across three pool tables.

“He’s more like John Connor, actually.” Wade takes a sip of beer.

“You have any idea how much money I’m losing on your wedding?”

“He doesn’t care, sugar.” Al’s perched on a stool next to Wade, tossing back vodka like it’s water. “And neither does Vanessa.”

“It’s true.” Wade gives Weasel a bright grin.

He’s waiting for Colossus, and avoiding the house so Ness and Nate can do their kinky roleplay thing. Wade can appreciate the necessity of daddy-daughter time before her special day, but he doesn’t want to be around for it. 

Still, he’s not one to get in the way of consenting adults having filthy degenerate sex, and besides, agreeing to sexile from his own house gave him room to negotiate the one thing he’s been denied for so long.

“Sorry I am late.” Colossus takes up the whole doorway. He has an overnight bag on his shoulder and he’s fogged up from the cold, which Wade finds absolutely hilarious. “Traffic.”

Wade beams at him. “Not to worry, big guy. I had company.” He pats a bar stool.

Colossus sits carefully, avoiding Weasel’s beady eye as the stool creaks under his weight. “Decorations look very nice,” he says, taking in the Pinterest explosion that Dopinder’s unleashed.

“You want a beer with the rest of the freeloaders?” Weasel asks sourly.

“He would love one,” Wade answers for him. He reaches over to draw a dick on Colossus’s fogged up arm.

Colossus looks down at it and sighs. “How are you, Wade?”

“Never better,” Wade says happily. “I’m marrying my dream girl tomorrow, she’s off getting railed by her boyfriend, and I get to bone down with my very special sex friend. By which I mean you.”

“Why does he think it’s okay to talk about this shit where we have to hear it?” Al asks Weasel.

“No fucking idea. I got some coke back here if you wanna get fucked up though.”

“Sweetie, if it wouldn’t fuck my heart meds to hell and back I would love to.”

“So I’m still kind of surprised you went for this,” Wade tells Colossus, still doodling little designs in the rapidly clearing fog on his arm. He finishes the heart around his ‘W+P’ and looks up to see Colossus giving him a warm look.

“You asked,” he says simply. 

Well, Wade was gonna try to keep this classy and check into a decent hotel and everything, but now he sort of wants to make this happen in the bathroom. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s fucked in there; Ness thinks it’s funny when he raws her next to her very own ‘for a good time call’ graffiti.

So he bats his nonexistent eyelashes. “You want me to show you how much I appreciate it? The men’s room is empty.”

Colossus’s expression changes to something stern, and he rests a hand on Wade’s thigh with a disappointed sigh. “Wade,” he says heavily, “patience.”

Wade can feel that hot hand on him like a brand or an anchor, and it makes him shiver. “Okay,” he says in a small voice.

Colossus picks up the beer Weasel slid his way and takes a long drink. The hand on Wade’s thigh stays.

Wade tries to enjoy his own beer, but now he’s fidgety. He’s got Colossus’s hand on him and it’s not _enough,_ just a tease for later, and he wants more. He wants that hand to slide up his thigh and rub his cock, real slow through his jeans while Weasel talks on the phone to his sources and Al’s blindly (ha!) oblivious. He wants Colossus to raise a finger to his lips so Wade is quiet while he works him up and makes him squirm.

“You must finish your drink,” Colossus says quietly after Wade’s worked himself to a full boner daydreaming. “We cannot go until it is gone.”

Fuck. Wade throws the beer back, chugging like a frat boy during pledge week. The belch he lets out after he finishes isn’t sexy, but Colossus just snorts.

“I wish that was the worst thing I’ve heard you do,” mutters Al.

“I’m naming my child after you, so zip it.”

“Why don’t you wanna name your kid after me?” asks Weasel.

“Because I actually like my kid. What kind of name is Weasel for a baby anyway?” Wade sniffs.

“My name’s Jack.”

Wade stares at him. “Really?”

“Yes, really. How the fuck did you not know that?” Weasel stares back.

“You don’t look like a Jack. What’s your last name?” asks Wade.

Weasel suddenly gets really busy wiping glasses off.

“Weas?” Wade’s grinning. “What’s your last name?”

“My duties are vast, Wade, I can’t sit around chatting all day. Dopinder! The banner needs to come up on the left side.”

“On it!” Dopinder calls back cheerfully.

Wade grins. “Jackass,” he calls in his sweetest voice, “Jack off.” Weasel doesn’t reply, so he thinks. “Jackhammer?”

“Got it,” says Al into her glass.

“Wait, really? What kind of Liefeld bullshit is that? Who actually names a character Jack Hammer?”

“Enough!” Weasel looks embarrassed. “Can’t you go get your fuck on somewhere? I have to set up the buffet table.”

“I finished my beer,” Wade tells Colossus proudly.

“I see.” Colossus looks like he’s torn between laughing and recoiling in horror. Which is how a lot of people feel about Wade and Weasel’s double act. “Come then.”

“You bet I will be.” Wade wiggles his fingers in a wave at Weasel, gets flipped off in return, and drags Colossus away from the bar. “Thanks for all the decorations, Dopinder!”

“Live your best life, DP!” Dopinder calls back. “You’re still my Tom Cruise!”

“And you’re my Kirsten Dunst!”

It’s cold when they get outside, wind whipping Wade’s face and making him think not so fondly of plunging beneath the ice when he first met Nate. He leans against Colossus’s side, then yelps. “If I licked you, I bet my tongue would get stuck,” he says. “Like that kid from The Christmas Story.”

“Then you should not lick me,” says Colossus patiently. 

A man walking past gives them a weird look and speeds up. Wade ignores him. “Might make check-in a little awkward,” he agrees. “I spared no expense, big guy.”

“Was not necessary,” Colossus tells him with a smile, slipping Wade’s arm into his own. The gesture is old-fashioned and kind of stupid, and Wade’s absolutely delighted by it. They stay arm-in-arm until they reach the hotel, which would be too fancy for the studio to pay for if this were an actual movie, but is totally attainable within the realms of fanfiction. It’s the classiest part of the wedding, honestly; Wade and Vanessa are simple people. They like trashy shit and Broadway. 

For Colossus, though, Wade can pull out all the stops. Just because they’re not actually dating doesn’t mean a little romance isn’t nice. The hotel is off Central Park, on what the website claims is the fashionable side, and Wade’s already got champagne and chocolate covered strawberries waiting in the room upstairs. Colossus will spend the night here and come to the wedding tomorrow before he goes back to Westchester. If they feel like it, Wade will stay too. 

They fed the kids a line about him not being allowed to see Ness in her dress. It’s only sort of a lie, since he actually hasn’t seen her in it. It looks great on the hanger. Russell knows this is bullshit, and Hope too, but they’re both smart enough to have figured out by now that if they point it out, Wade will tell them the truth. As it is, they get to hang out at Al’s and binge on junk food, so they’re not complaining.

Check-in always seems to take at least a thousand years; Colossus has to reach over and gently stop him from playing with the bell on the desk. Wade meets his stern eyes with a sunny smile and hopes Colossus will punish him for it upstairs.

“Be patient, Wade,” Colossus murmurs, patting the back of Wade’s hand and then covering it so he can’t ring the bell anymore.

Wade would mind, he really would, but Colossus’s hand is warm.

Finally, after empires rise and fall around them and other people who aren’t Wade get to ring the bell like three times, they’re given keys to their room and told to enjoy their stay.

Wade fidgets on the elevator ride up, torn between sneaking glances at Colossus and pushing all the buttons. His fingers are twitching with the urge to do just that when Colossus takes Wade’s hand in one of his big ones. Wade stares at their tangled fingers in the mirrored doors and forgets all about pushing the buttons. He wants to climb Colossus like a tree, wrap around his thick body and feel those arms come around him. He wants Colossus to make him do things, dirty things, and tell him in that warm blanket voice how good he is at them.

He’s got a noticeable boner by the time they reach their floor, and he meets Colossus’s eyes in the doors’ reflection. Colossus’s gaze flicks down and he sighs, slinging his bag off his shoulder. 

“Take this,” he says in a low voice. “Hold it in front.”

Wade does it with a gulp, and just in time, because the family of four in the hallway waiting for the elevator already blanches at the sight of his face. Best not to make them see his dick.

Wade scuttles past them, embarrassed suddenly. He’s still not sure how there are three people on the planet who not only don’t blow chunks at the sight of him, but who wanna get him naked. He knows Vanessa remembers how he used to look, so she might be projecting hard, but Nate and Piotr clearly just have a weird fetish.

He’s falling into a shame spiral before they even get to the room; this is horrible. Not how this was supposed to go at all. Who puts mirrors in elevators anyway? They should really consider the needs of ugly people.

Colossus uses the key, and for a wild second before the door opens Wade wants to run. The strawberries and champagne feel stupid now, maybe even obscene. Why is Colossus even here, anyway? He’s too good to be a dirty hookup before Wade’s about to marry someone else.

“Wade?” The door beeps; Colossus is holding it open against its will. “Come inside.”

And that’s the voice that puts Wade back together when he’s broken, so Wade listens mindlessly, stepping into the room and holding Colossus’s bag like a well-trained dog waiting for the command to drop it. Sit. Stay. Roll over. He stares at his feet.

“Oh Wade.” Colossus sounds delighted. “You did this for me?”

Wade looks up, chewing his lip as he takes in the tray on the table next to the window. There’s cold champagne in an ice bucket, condensation sending little water droplets sliding down the sides of the bottle. Next to it, a square plate holds six of the biggest strawberries he’s ever seen, elegant stems left long so they can pick them up without smearing their fingers through the chocolate coating. The whole thing is over-the-top and not Wade’s usual style at all. Maybe comics Wade. He’s been known to pull out all the stops. But for this Wade? It seems kind of cheesy.

But Colossus is drifting around the room making pleased sounds at what he sees, so Wade dares to look at him. He’s beaming when he completes the circuit and holds out his hand for his bag. 

Wade hands it over thoughtlessly, and his hands feel extra empty as he watches Colossus take out his (massive, that thing has to be bespoke) suit and smooth it with care before hanging it up. Colossus closes the closet door with a satisfied nod.

“Is important to take care of nice things,” he says in a decisive way.

Wade routinely leaves his shit on the floor if Nate doesn’t stop him, but he nods.

Colossus gives him a heavy look. “Is very important,” he repeats, like he’s trying to make a point or something.

“Okay.” Wade’s brain is buzzing with a mix of shame and a desperate desire to be worth the trouble he causes. Colossus has that effect on him, and right now he’s not sure how to deal with the feeling of inadequacy that’s pushing up past his throat.

“Come.” Colossus sits down on the bed and pats his knee. “Sit by me.”

Wade swallows thickly and moves to sit next to Colossus on the bed.

“Ah ah,” Colossus tuts, and pats his knee again. “I mean here.”

Oh god. Wade swallows again. His throat’s a lot drier than it just was. Carefully, he lowers his ass onto Colossus’s knee. He perches there, torn between jumping up and out the window and settling all his weight on the warm thigh under his ass.

“There, that’s better.” Colossus nods. “This is where I want you to stay. You can do that, hm?”

Wade shifts his weight from one buttcheek to the other; Colossus’s thigh is really hard. “Okay,” he says faintly.

“Good.” Colossus rests a hand on Wade’s thigh. “I knew you could be good.”

That makes Wade sigh. He’s not good. He’s a murdering piece of shit with a face like a horror movie, and he knows it. But Colossus has always seen something else when he looks at Wade, and for him, Wade can pretend to be good for a little while too. So he stays where he’s put, even if he squirms a little at the heavy hand on his leg, or the way Colossus keeps stroking distracting little circles at the very top of his thigh, real close to his now semi-erect dick.

“Was very good, doing all this for me,” Colossus murmurs. “You can be such a thoughtful boy, Wade.”

Wade ducks his head, not sure why he feels so shy. 

“No, no.” Colossus lifts his chin up with gentle fingers. “Look at me. No shame here, hm?”

“Okay,” Wade whispers. His eyes skitter away from Colossus’s, and he catches himself staring at his mouth.

“Wade,” Colossus rumbles in his low voice, “do you want to kiss me?”

Wade gulps, feeling ridiculously like he’s been caught out. Of course he wants to kiss Colossus, but somehow letting him _see_ how badly Wade wants him feels naughty.

“Wade?”

“Yes,” he whispers, and ducks his head again. He’s curling up like a little bug, the urge to be small and safe taking over. 

Colossus catches his chin again. “I said no shame here,” he whispers, petting his thumb across Wade’s lower lip. Wade wants to taste it, so he lets his tongue peek out when the next swipe comes, and tastes hot metal. It makes Colossus pause. “Oh Wade,” he murmurs.

Wade shuts his eyes tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no.” Colossus pets the now wet thumb across his lip. “You are _wonderful._ ”

That’s too much. Wade shakes his head, keeping his eyes closed. “Colossus—”

“Piotr.”

“Piotr.” Wade takes a deep breath. “Am I a selfish piece of shit for asking you to do this?”

Colossus pauses. “I would not be here if that was case.”

Wade forces himself to look at Colossus. “So you’re fine with this. Fucking sometimes while I’m living with Nate and Ness? Because it sounds a lot like you’re getting the shitty end of the deal.”

Colossus sighs and rests a big hand on Wade’s back. “Okay. Wade, we are very different people. We tried living together, no? It did not work. I love you and you love me, but to be together that way would lead to unhappiness.” He starts to rub slow circles along Wade’s back, kneading so gently at the tension in his shoulders. “Is better like this.”

“So you don’t feel used?” asks Wade in a small voice.

“No. Do you feel I am using you?”

Wade shakes his head. “You would never,” he whispers.

“Well then.” Colossus nods like that’s the end of it.

“So that—? You’re just fine being a booty call?” Wade blurts.

Colossus looks around. “You go to all this trouble for booty call?” 

Wade can’t blush anymore thanks to the scarring, but goddamn does he squirm. “I mean, it’s not like you don’t deserve it,” he mumbles.

“Zamechatel'nyy mal'chik,” Colossus murmurs, and kisses Wade. “You are sweet, good boy.”

Wade opens his mouth, helplessly gripping Colossus’s shirt. It’s a good kiss, forceful without being rough, and Wade feels dizzy when Colossus pulls back to study his face.

“So now we are clear, hm? No one is using anybody. Say you understand, Wade.”

Wade nods a little too eagerly, but that just makes Colossus chuckle. 

“Tell me with words. I must know you understand.”

“God, you’re so responsible,” Wade groans. “I get it, I get it, you’re not feeling used.”

“Good.” Colossus kisses him again and slips his hand a teeny bit higher up Wade’s thigh. 

Wade squirms again, wiggling his ass to try easing Colossus’s hand onto his dick, but Colossus is unmovable. He just strokes his thumb in slow sweeps across the crease of Wade’s thigh like he doesn’t know it’s making Wade horny. “Piotr...”

Colossus rumbles against his mouth, a deep pleased sound from somewhere in his chest. “Say my name again, Wade.”

“Piotr,” Wade whispers. God, this is so fucking cheesy, even for fanfic. He’s genuinely not sure why his dick is so hard. “Come on, let’s get to the part where you touch my dick.”

And Colossus pulls away, disapproval etched in the lines of his face. “Wade,” he says severely, “that is no way for good boy like you to talk.”

Wade stares at him. “I’m not supposed to say dick?” he asks slowly.

Colossus’s frown deepens. “Where do you learn to talk like that? Filthy language! Not suitable here at all.”

Wade feels about six years old. “Sorry,” he mutters. “Um, then is there a better word I should use for where I want your hand? Because I’ve got opinions on where it should be resting right now.”

That makes Colossus’s eyes dance. “Really?” he asks with a grin, “why don’t you show me, then?”

“Like on the doll?” Wade asks innocently.

Colossus sighs. “Not even a little like doll.”

Wade grins. “Oh Daddy, this makes me feel funny.”

Colossus snatches his hand back and gives Wade an annoyed look. “You joke when you are afraid. Are you afraid of me?”

Wade’s grin fades. “No,” he finally says. “Not of you.”

“Then no need to joke here, hm?”

Wade swallows and reaches down to rest his hand on the back of Colossus’s. “Here,” he whispers, sliding the hand up his thigh to cover his cock, which is already so, so hard, “touch me here.”

Colossus’s fingers flex, just a little, and Wade can’t help the noise he makes at that. It gets him a hot, knowing look, and a small smile that shoots straight to his cock. “Oh, Wade, you are so eager for me.”

Wade nods stupidly, because he sure is. He is eager, hand clenching on top of Colossus’s where he’s just starting to rub Wade’s cock. Another little sound escapes him and he bites his lip to keep it in.

“So excited to play,” Colossus murmurs fondly. “That’s good, Wade, no?”

Wade’s being fondled. There’s no other word for it. He’s sitting on a man’s lap getting his cock fondled. It feels ridiculously dirty. “So good,” he whispers, shifting his hips to try for some more of that good friction. “God, it’s so good.”

“Should not take Lord’s name in vain, Wade,” Colossus says mildly. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

The hand on his dick pulls away. “What did I tell you?”

“I can’t even say god?” Wade demands. “What do you freaking want, me gasping out, ‘oh my goodness,” every time you grope my cock? I’m gonna sound like a little church girl who just discovered showerhead masturbation!”

Colossus slaps him.

Lightly enough that Wade’s head barely snaps around and none of his teeth rattle, but still. It shocks Wade into silence.

“Filthy mouth,” Colossus says darkly. “I don’t want to hear more of that talk from you. If you cannot ask for what you want like good boy, then you must take what I give you.”

And oh, _that_ threat has Wade sitting up straighter, because Colossus isn’t as disappointingly vanilla as he’d always told himself he would be. And god, the memories of the choking and the hitting and the firm feel of hands holding him down are doing nothing to discourage Little Wade. “Are you gonna spank me?” Wade asks in a small voice. 

“No,” Colossus says after a beat, “I am not going to spank you.”

Wade tells himself he’s not disappointed. “But don’t good boys need discipline?” he asks carefully. “I mean, to build character?”

Colossus eyes him. “Do you want to be disciplined?” he asks. “Is this something you think you need?”

Wade bites his lip, because he does. He absolutely loves it when Colossus hurts him. “Please,” he whispers, closing his eyes. “I need guidance.”

“You want me to punish you a certain way?”

“With your hands.” Wade swallows. Pain gets blurred with pleasure anyway when he routinely survives shit that would kill anyone else, but Colossus’s hands on him always feel divine.

Colossus looks thoughtful. “Discipline is not just punishment, you know. Must teach lesson. Be constructive.” He nods. “On your feet. I have idea.”

Wade stumbles a little in his eagerness, but he keeps his feet and stares hungrily at Colossus. 

It earns him a smile. “Now you are eager to follow the rules again,” says Colossus ruefully. He gets to his feet. “As soon as they are convenient for you. Put your legs little further apart, like this.” 

Wade actually whimpers as hands slide between his inner thighs to push his legs apart. Then one of those hands is on his back, encouraging him to bend over. He’s being posed like a doll and he never thought he’d be into this kind of loving cruelty.

“You are so eager, Wade. You must learn patience.” Colossus caresses the back of Wade’s neck, making him shiver. “Wrap your arms around legs, now. Yes, like that. Fingers must be touching your ears.”

This is gonna start to hurt in about thirty seconds; Wade recognizes torture positions and he’s gotta say, he didn’t think sweet old Colossus had it in him. The burn is already starting in his legs.

“Hold still,” Colossus tells him in that warm, reassuring voice. “No more dirty language from you. Is time I teach you some restraint.”

Wade doesn’t answer; he’s too focused on the ache through his legs and lower back. He wants to lower his ass and take some of the strain off, but Colossus told him to hold still. That’s something he’s never been good at. As far back as he can remember he’s been fidgety and twitchy, needing to move, having to _do_ something. He closes his eyes as the pain goes from unpleasant to downright nasty.

And then there are hands on him, smoothing across his back and hips, caressing his ass (which suddenly feels very exposed) and ghosting along the insides of his thighs. Wade trembles, torn between flinching away from those hands and pushing into them and staying still, like a good boy.

“You are doing so well,” Colossus praises him softly, tracing wicked fingers between Wade’s legs. “Is beautiful when you are good.”

Fuck, it hurts. Wade’s panting a little, muscles screaming. He grips the insides of his knees tighter, holding himself still with sheer willpower. And Colossus is still petting him, clucking approvingly over him like a Russian grandma. Wade almost loses it when Colossus gets a good handful of his cock and rubs slowly. 

“Still so eager,” Colossus sighs. “I am becoming very flattered, Wade.”

Wade groans wordlessly; anything he wants to say will get him worse.

“Hurts, no?”

“Yes,” he whispers.

“And you are still hard.”

“I like it when you hurt me,” Wade grits out.

“Then remember your manners and thank me.”

Wade moans again; Colossus keeps up his leisurely grope and he’s about to lose his mind. “Thank you,” he whimpers. “Thank you for hurting me.” 

“And?”

“And for—?” Wade blanks. “Uh.”

“Teaching you restraint,” Colossus fills in. He sounds amused.

“Yes! That.” Wade tries to nod and ends up moaning. “Oh fu—I mean, fudge. Is that allowed? Oh, keep touching me there, please.”

“You mean this?” Colossus rubs his cock a little more firmly. 

“Oh my—yes, _yes!_ Please, oh, please, it’s so good.” Wade’s trembling all over, sweating from the strain. Everything hurts, a hard, constant burn that’s got his brain all turned to mush.

“Do you want me to touch you with just skin? No clothes in the way?”

The thought of Colossus’s hands on his bare skin makes Wade go cold, then hot all over. He whines, too overwhelmed to be able to imagine it. “Please,” he whispers instead of a real answer. It seems to work, because Colossus doesn’t seem confused.

“You are learning.” Colossus sounds pleased, and that makes Wade glow inside. And then he’s untucking Wade’s shirt and smoothing those huge hands up his sides. 

Wade moans out loud; he’s too far gone to hold anything in right now. There are fingers tracing the scars on his skin, hot and gentle, and Wade wants to press into the touch, only he’s got to hold still. Good boys hold still and he wants to be good. 

“You feel very warm, Wade,” Colossus tells him. “And you are trembling. Hurts very much, hm?”

A shudder goes through him. “Hurts so much,” he whispers. 

“They punish naughty schoolboys like this in some parts of world,” Colossus says idly, curving his hands around Wade’s chest and stroking him like a big cat. “Very bad boys will have to hold pose like this for thirty minutes.”

Fucking shitballs. Wade’s been tortured before, but somehow the thought of holding this for any length of time— “How long have I been at it?” he pants.

“About five,” Colossus says patiently, like he knew Wade’s despairing moan was coming. He pats his side soothingly. “You are not very bad boy, though.”

“I’m not?” 

“No. Look how well you keep your bottom up.” Colossus takes a hand off Wade’s bare skin to give his ass a little pat.

That makes Wade jerk. “Spank me like this,” he sighs. “Oh, go—I mean please. Oh my g—” he has to catch himself again and shuts up, gnawing on his lip until it bleeds.

Colossus pauses. “I do not think you deserve spanking,” he says thoughtfully. “You are being very good.” 

“But I want it.” Wade isn’t whining. He’s not.

Colossus doesn’t seem to agree. “None of this complaining, Wade. Be good boy and let me give you treat.”

“Treat?” Wade asks hopefully.

Colossus hums in agreement, but then takes his hands off Wade, which is the cruelest thing he could possibly do, and Wade hangs his head miserably.

“No sadness,” Colossus tuts. “You are about to get treat. All your jokes about things in your mouth, you think I do not see the truth in them?” He squats in front of Wade, lifting his chin gently. It’s agony on his back, and Wade’s mouth falls open to pant.

Fuck yes, this is twisted. Wade can feels his mouth starting to water. “Please,” he whispers. “Put it in my mouth. Fuc—sorry! Use me. So I can’t be dirty.”

Colossus pets his cheek. “You will have to be still,” he tells Wade seriously. “Must be very patient, even if it is difficult.”

“I can be good,” Wade promises, already daring to wonder what Colossus’s cock looks like.

“I know you can,” Colossus says warmly, and curls his hand around the back of Wade’s neck. “Just have to watch that filthy mouth.”

“I can’t talk if it’s full,” Wade says cheerfully, even if his voice is strained.

Colossus chuckles, and reaches down with his free hand to open his fly. Wade can’t look away, and judging by the deeper chuckle he hears when that (oh god, big, thick, metal) cock comes into view, he doesn’t do a great job at hiding his expression.

But that’s okay. Colossus isn’t laughing at him in a mean way. Colossus likes it when Wade is honest, and that’s the only thing that keeps him from dying instantly from embarrassment when he blurts, “Papa, it’s huge!”

There’s a moment of silence, and then Colossus’s hand caresses the back of Wade’s neck. “I will never use it to hurt you,” he says softly. “My good, good boy, you will only feel good because of me.”

Wade’s not gonna be able to make fun of Ness anymore. Dammit, he was having fun with that. “So, uh, we’re not gonna make a thing out of the Papa slip?”

Colossus snorts. “Is cute you think I didn’t know it was coming,” he says. “You told me you wished your father was like me. I figured it out. Besides,” he says with a crooked smile, “I think is nice, having little boy to care for.”

Wade clears his throat. “So about putting that beautiful thing in my mouth?” he asks hopefully.

Colossus sighs. “Do I need to teach you more patience?” he asks.

“No, I’m very patient.” 

“I am not seeing that.” Colossus reaches down and wraps a hand around his cock with a sigh. “You must be very patient if you want your treat.”

“I do,” Wade whines. “I want it. Can I please, Papa? Are you gonna make me beg? Because I will if that’s what you’re into, but I might forget to use my good boy words.”

Colossus stops and peers at him like he can’t tell if Wade is joking or not. Which, to be fair, Wade isn’t sure of that either. If he tells himself he’s joking it’s way less embarrassing than calling Colossus Papa and using PG language for kinky sex.

Wade hopefully opens his mouth.

“I can already see will take firm hand to keep you in line,” sighs Colossus. “Very well, you have earned treat.” He shuffles closer, until they’re in each other’s space, and god, Wade is already straining toward his cock.

“Oh, I wanna taste it,” he whispers. “It’s gonna be so good, Papa.”

Colossus keeps one hand on the back of Wade’s neck and one wrapped loosely around the base of his cock, and he gently, firmly presses Wade further down until Wade’s back is screaming in agony. But oh, that hardly matters because the tip of that hot metal dick is resting on his lips and Wade can’t help licking it.

“Greedy,” Colossus murmurs. “Like little boy with candy.”

Wade moans, lapping at the tip. “Can I have more?”

“Say please.”

“Please, Papa.”

That makes Colossus moan. He really does get off on this shit. “Yes, you can have more.” Slowly, so slowly Wade isn’t sure who he’s teasing, he feeds an inch of his cock into Wade’s mouth.

God, this is hotter than any of the million fantasies Wade’s had about sucking Colossus’s dick. He can’t move his head without sending flares of pain down his back, so he has no choice but to suckle.

“Messy,” Colossus chuckles, wiping at his chin. “You are being very sloppy, Wade.”

Wade moans, tonguing the head of Colossus’s cock. He wants that warm voice to break, to make Colossus feel so good he forgets to be careful. And he can’t drive him with words anymore, so he’s got to be good, so good with his mouth. 

“Oh, that is nice,” Colossus groans. “You want more, hm? More treat for Papa’s good boy?”

Wade makes a muffled sound as he slurps at Colossus’s dick, hoping that adequately conveys his ‘hell yes’ since his mouth is full.

But Colossus pulls away. “You want more?” he asks in a rough voice.

“Please, Papa,” Wade gasps. “I wanna suck it.”

Colossus growls something in Russian, and then Wade’s got a glorious mouthful of cock. It clanks on his teeth before he remembers to cover them, and it tastes like a weird combination of metal and skin, and he loves it. He wants to choke on it, throat fluttering as he gasps for air. That could be a great way to die, he thinks, but of course Colossus would never let him. 

And then Colossus starts to move.

Tears spring into Wade’s eyes, sliding down his cheeks as he gags around Colossus’s dick. It’s so big, he’s drooling around it, making a mess of himself. Colossus pulls back, just a bit, gives Wade a heartbeat to get a breath, and then he’s back in. 

God, Wade hopes Colossus will work him up to deepthroating him. Wade can take it, and more than that, he wants to. He’s pretty sure no one else can do that for Colossus and he wants it to be him, wants to be his good, special boy who can please him like no one else. He gags a little just imagining the stretch. His throat would be wrecked, but he’d recover. 

Colossus is so gentle and sure and slow. Wade can barely breathe through the pain and the need and the relentless press of the cock in his mouth. He feels dizzy and giddy. Like a little girl. Or Colossus’s sweet boy who never swears.

Colossus is breathing hard; Wade bets holding that squat is hurting him too. But fuck, he’s still so hard against Wade’s tongue. “Bottom up,” he growls, and Wade straightens his legs with a moan. 

Then Colossus pulls his cock out of Wade’s mouth, leaving him gasping and empty. “Choke me with it,” is the first thing Wade says when he can catch his breath. “Papa, I can take it, let me have it all.”

“Bozhe moi,” breathes Colossus. “Do not say such things, Wade. You will ruin me.”

“Fuck my face,” Wade growls. “Hold my fucking head and use me!”

Colossus slaps him. “I told you not to talk like that! You sound like dirty criminal, not my wonderful boy. You find _nice_ words for what you want!”

Wade grimaces. “Make rough love to my face?”

Colossus sighs again. “Straighten up. And take off clothes, Wade. I know what to do with dirty boys.”

“Hot.” Wade lets go of his knees with a groan, and almost falls over as blood rushes out of his head. “That really hurts. They seriously punish kids like that?”

“I do not approve for children,” says Colossus primly. “But for you?” And he eyes Wade’s obvious erection. “For you I like very much.”

“Oh Papa, don’t look at my swimsuit parts.” Wade flutters his nonexistent eyelashes.

Colossus growls. “I will do more than look at them. Clothes off, now. We are going to play new game.”

“Ooooh, does it involve anything else in my mouth?” asks Wade happily as he strips off his shirt.

“Is surprise,” Colossus says. “Trousers now.”

Wade doesn’t have to be told twice. He kicks his pants away with a cheeky, “yes Papa!”

“Good,” Colossus growls, and holy shitballs, he’s naked too, all gleaming chrome skin and rippling muscle. 

“I wanna rub myself all over you,” Wade tells him.

Colossus chuckles. “If you are good. Come here.”

Wade bites his lip, then launches himself at Colossus. It gets him a startled yell, but it also get him lifted into those big arms. He sighs happily and snuggles in.

“You are testing me, Wade,” Colossus mumbles.

“It’s because you make me feel so small and safe, Papa,” Wade says. Then he tweaks a nipple. For science. 

Colossus hisses. “Cheeky,” he whispers.

“You like me that way.” Wade grins. 

“Yes, I do.” Colossus kisses him again. 

Wade moans into the kiss, trying to get his hands on more of Colossus. “Wanna touch you,” he whispers. “Come on, come on, let me.”

“You have been very patient,” Colossus murmurs against Wade’s lips. He walks them over to the bed and sits, letting wade curl in his lap. “I am proud of you, Wade.”

That makes something go all liquid warm inside of Wade, so he rests his head against Colossus’s shoulder. “I wanna be good for you,” he sighs. “But you should let me use big boy swears. I’m really not sure there are nice words for the things I want you to do to me.”

“You are clever,” Colossus says, pressing a kiss to his brow. “You can think of them.”

“I really can take all of you,” Wade whispers. “I wanna give you that.”

Colossus shivers. “Beautiful, filthy boy. Someday I would love to do that.”

“No, we totally can. I can hang my head off the end of the bed and you can stand. See?” Wade tries to wiggle out of Colossus’s lap to demonstrate.

Big hands hold him tight. “I do see. No need for you to go anywhere,” Colossus whispers against his ear. “Stay right here with me.”

Wade shivers. “But Papa, I want to touch your—” he pauses and looks down, and then bites his lip. “Should I tell you what the dirty boys call it?”

Colossus raises an eyebrow. “Fine. But you must whisper. Such words are not for saying out loud.”

Wade presses his lips to Colossus’s ear. “The bad boys call it a cock,” he says, spitting the word to make it sound extra filthy, “and Papa, I want yours inside me.”

Now it’s Colossus who’s shivering. “You have always been such greedy boy,” he murmurs. “You want things that you cannot handle.”

“Oh, I can handle it, Papa. I promise.” Wade gets Colossus’s earlobe in his mouth and sucks for a second. Just to hear him groan. “Sometimes, after I come and I’m nice and relaxed, Ness will use the _big_ toy on me, and it doesn’t hurt at all. It just feels so good that I come again. Sometimes more than once.” 

“Just because you can heal does not mean I want to hurt you,” Colossus says. “We can try. If it becomes too much, we stop. There are so many things we can do, Wade.” He runs a hand down Wade’s back, making him arch. 

“Oh, I believe you. You’re so creative,” Wade moans happily. “Can’t believe I thought you’d be vanilla.”

Colossus snorts. “As if one must be crude to be imaginative.” He lays Wade down on the bed so gently Wade wants to float away.

“Someday I’m gonna make you say fuck again and I’m gonna come instantly,” he tells him.

“Not today, and watch your mouth. Good boys don’t talk that way, I keep telling you.” Colossus strokes a hand down Wade’s side. “You must mind your manners now, Wade.” 

“Mm, okay Papa, anything you— _oh,_ mother of fff—!”

Colossus is sucking his dick. Colossus, Piotr Rasputin, the boyest of scouts Wade has ever met, just fucking went for Wade’s dick like a carp with a floating French fry. And he doesn’t suck cock like this is his first time either, which sends Wade into a desperate spiral of horrified, aroused curiosity about whose cocks Colossus has been going around sucking.

“Oh, my go—how are you so good at this?” Wade pants, reaching down to grip a handful of Colossus's shiny hair. “Where did you learn how to suck cock like this?”

Colossus glances up and pulls off with a filthy grin. “I do not kiss and tell, Wade.”

“Fffu—fudge,” Wade whimpers, staring openmouthed as Colossus closes his lips around the head of Wade’s cock. “Papa, it looks so small in your mouth...”

Colossus makes a low, rumbling sound at that, and slides a hand under Wade’s ass to lift him just a little. So he can see better, Wade realizes, and then he’s moaning brokenly because Colossus’s lips are sliding further down his dick and his mouth is so hot and slick Wade wants to die.

“Oh my—ff—Papa, please,” he pants, staring because he can’t miss a second. Colossus sucks hard, no teasing, and he’s got his eyes closed like he fucking wants to savor every second of sucking Wade’s dick. It’s so hot. “It feels so good, it’s so good, oh my—oh my gosh, oh my _gosh_ , Papa...”

Weirdly enough, listening to himself whining like a whore using such innocent language is starting to do it for Wade. The sex sounds extra dirty with parental controls. God help him.

Well, he’s never been one to shy away from a new fetish. “Oh Papa, you’re making me feel so good. It never feels this good when I touch myself,” he moans.

Colossus’s tongue does something amazing to the underside of his dick, and Wade gasps. 

“Oh I liked that, Papa, please, do it again?”

Colossus glances at him, and it happens again. And again, and shit, Wade’s shoving a fist in his mouth to keep from swearing as his balls tighten up. Colossus is relentless and steady, and Wade’s about to be a rude little fucker and come in his mouth.

But he has to remember his manners. “Papa, Papa, I’m gonna come,” he whines, and yeah, he’s babbling, but the best part about being him is that no one cares if he makes sense. “Please, you’re making me come, oh my gosh, Papa, you’re sucking it out of meeee...”

Colossus’s hands tighten on him and he lets out this deep, almost feral noise, and that’s the thing that pushes Wade right past the point of no return. He jackknifes, and it’s only Colossus holding him still that keeps him from bucking and hurting himself. There are noises coming out of Wade’s mouth, and thankfully none of them are shaped like fuck, just an endless litany of, “ _oh, oh, oh!_ ” that Colossus seems to approve of.

Finally, Colossus lets him up, and Wade flops back like a limp noodle. “Okay, I’m giving you an award,” Wade says. “Or leaving a really nice Google review.”

Colossus snorts. “I am glad you liked it, Wade.” He sits up, and the sight of him wiping his mouth is unfairly sexy. “Now, I will be right back. Wait here like good boy, hm?”

Wade gives a weak thumbs up and watches Colossus dig through his bag. He pulls out a huge bottle of lubricant and some condoms.

“Wait, they make those in your size?” Wade blurts.

Colossus gives him a look. “They are expensive,” he admits, “but safety is very important.”

“You really should have thought of that before we put our mouths on each other’s naughty bits,” Wade says.

“Yes, probably.” Colossus sighs. “I will have to tell Vanessa.”

“Honestly, if you buy her a black and white cookie, she’ll totally forgive you,” Wade says. “She dominated me into slowly eating sushi last week and made me describe how it tasted. I now have a new fetish.”

Colossus frowns. “Really?”

“Well, she’s pregnant, so.” Wade shrugs. He’s not saying he ate a salmon roll off her cunt, but he’s also not saying he didn’t. She even made the first fish joke, which is why he’s marrying her.

Colossus chuckles and darts into the bathroom for a towel. Guess Ness told him about Wade’s thing where his ass bleeds. Amazing woman, he hopes Nate’s giving it to her like she deserves. When he comes back, he’s got two towels tucked under his arm and the lube and condom in each hand. “Now we are ready,” he says.

Wade obediently lifts his hips so Colossus can spread the towels out under him. “You know, I’m really relaxed right now, so we should really just do this thing.”

“We are doing this thing.”

“Yeah, but you’re gonna take two hundred years to try to get me ready, and nothing is ever gonna be able to prepare my as—“

Colossus gives him a look.

“—I mean, my bottom for your cock, Papa. It’s _so big._ ” Wade grins. “Besides, I like it when you hurt me. Especially if it’s gonna make you feel good.” 

“I am not hurting you,” Colossus says firmly. “Roll over, Wade.”

“But Papa, I want to watch,” Wade says, widening his eyes innocently. “It makes me feel all tingly.”

Colossus mumbles something in Russian and shakes his head. “Very well, you can stay like this.” He pats Wade’s thigh and tears open the condom wrapper. It’s big enough to act as a bag for a small trash can, and Wade watches him unroll it over his cock with open fascination.

“Now I know you’ve never been able to get balls deep in anyone,” Wade says.

“Language,” grumbles Colossus.

“Put it all the way in me, Papa, I wanna feel you so deep I can taste it!” Wade moans dramatically. “Please, stuff it in me so hard. I’m a bad boy, I deserve it. Punish me with your cock.”

“For what?” Colossus demands. “I want you to enjoy this, Wade. I do not need to be rough with you.”

That’s it. Wade loves Colossus, but once in awhile he needs just a little push. In this case Wade does the pushing, waiting until Colossus is just barely unsteady enough to knock onto his back. Wade’s straddling him before he can react, and he snatches the bottle of lube from Colossus’s fingers, upends the entire thing over Colossus’s dick, and then sits the fuck down.

Colossus yells, but that’s not as pressing (ha) as the fact that Wade might be hemorrhaging onto the bedspread. He sure didn’t think this through, did he? “Ah, hell,” he whispers, gritting his teeth. “Don’t move, I’ve got this.”

“You are bleeding! Not normal amount!” Colossus’s hands hover in the air next to his hips. 

“And your cock’s still hard, Papa, so gimme a minute. I told you I’ve got this.” Wade looks down and okay, this isn’t as bad as he thought. Looks like a lot of his bleeding is internal. Cool. He sinks down another inch, pulling a broken, despairing moan from Colossus, and after a final tearing sensation things start to go easier.

“Wade.” Colossus’s voice is strained, and when Wade looks down, he realizes the big guy looks totally _wrecked._ “Wade, please be careful.”

It makes Wade feel all fuzzy inside, the way Colossus is so worried about him. He loves Colossus so much, so he tells him that, leans down and cries a little at the stretch as he brushes his lips across Colossus’s mouth and whispers, “I wanna make you feel so good you think you’re dying.”

Colossus’s breath catches. “ _Wade..._ ”

“Sit up,” Wade tells him, overcome with affection. “I wanna bounce on Papa’s lap.”

“You are sure it does not hurt?” Colossus sounds like he’s about to cry. 

“Hurts in a good way, buddy. Relax. I’m almost there. Come on, Papa, sit up!” Wade shifts, feeling the worst of the tearing start to heal shut around the new intrusion. Now he’ll be able to move. 

Colossus does what he’s told, moving carefully enough that Wade has to resist the urge to kick him. “Wade, please do not be foolish,” he begs, slipping an arm around Wade’s waist. “I cannot enjoy this if you are in pain.”

Wade wiggles a little bit. “You seem to be enjoying it just fine,” he tells Colossus with a grin. “Have you ever been this deep inside someone before, Papa?”

Colossus’s breath catches. “No,” he whispers. 

“Kiss me?” Wade asks, looping his arms around Colossus's neck. 

Colossus gives in and kisses him, with none of the control from earlier. He’s desperate now, and Wade gets it; his muscles keep spasming in interesting ways around Colossus’s cock. “Wade, please do not let me hurt you,” he whispers.

“You’re not,” Wade promises him. “It’s all better now, Papa.” He lets gravity do the rest of the work, and pretty soon his ass is resting flush with Colossus’s crotch. And okay, he’s lying when he says it doesn’t hurt, but the faces Colossus is making are more than worth a ruined asshole. “So deep,” he moans, letting his head fall back.

“Oh Wade,” Colossus groans, and his hips jerk enough to make Wade gasp sharply. “Wade, I am sorry, have I hurt you? Please, you must tell me.”

“No,” Wade pants. “It’s just...oh my gosh, Papa, it’s so big. My little hole can barely take it.” Wade’s not stupid; he knows damn well under all the concern for his wellbeing there’s a dark, selfish part of Colossus that’s loving this. “I feel so full of your cock.”

Colossus makes a choked sound. “You are sure?” he asks. Giving himself permission.

Wade nods. “I want you to _fuck_ me, Papa. Like a bad boy.”

“Oh, I could never call you bad,” gasps Colossus, pulling Wade into another sloppy kiss. “Not when you feel so wonderful. You are good boy, Wade. Such a thoughtful, good boy.”

Wade shivers. “So fuck me like you want to,” he whispers against Colossus’s mouth. “Papa’s always so good and considerate. You deserve your own treat sometimes.”

“Wade—” Colossus wavers.

Wade kisses him again. “Move me how you want to, Papa. Make me your naughty little fuckdoll.”

“Bozhe moi,” Colossus gasps, and then he’s got his hands on Wade’s hips, rocking them together. He gasps when Wade does, and his hips jerk, just a little.

So Wade lifts up with his thighs and slams down, hard enough to make Colossus shout and for something to tear again, but fuck it. Blood is more lube, and Wade’s got good thigh muscles. He starts to bounce hard, crying out at the constant pressure against his prostate. His stupid brain is already turning pain to pleasure, and he wants Colossus to love this as much as he is. “Papa, it’s good! You feel so good. So big and deep. I love it, I love you, give me all of your cock, please!”

One of those hands convulses on his hip, then both of them tighten. Wade has a second to gasp, and then he’s being lifted and lowered, and it’s happening, Colossus is moving Wade on his dick, and it’s so fucking hot Wade can’t even form words. He’s just making noises, breathy, punched-out noises because it’s so _much._

“Oh Wade,” Colossus is sobbing, over and over. “Oh Wade.”

“ _Yes,_ ” Wade breathes. “Wanna feel this good all the time. You’re making me feel so good, Papa. Is this how good boys should feel?”

“Yes,” Colossus says. “You are best boy, Wade, so good, so tight. Such good little doll.”

“Don’t you mean fuckdoll?” Wade asks around a grin.

Colossus groans. “ _Fuckdoll._ Such a dirty, dirty word for what you are to me, for how I love you, Wade...”

“I love you too, Papa,” Wade moans, bouncing harder now. “You’re gonna make me come again.”

“Oh yes, let me see,” Colossus pants. “I did not get to watch your pleasure before.”

“You’ve got a front row seat this time, buddy,” Wade says, squirming as he tries to get deeper. No use; Colossus has him now and he can’t go any faster or slower than those big hands allow. It’s gonna be another steady build. “Oh my gosh, I wanna come so bad, Papa.”

“You will,” Colossus promises. “I will make sure of it.”

“Wanna come with you inside me,” Wade whines. God, he’s easy. He can already feel the tightness in his gut. “Oh—oh my gosh, Papa, your cock is gonna make me come!”

Colossus growls at that, a low, primal sound that makes Wade gasp. “Already so close without a hand on you,” he rumbles. “You are so eager. Wanton, I think is word for you. Shameless and eager. I want to watch your pleasure, Wade, and then I want to finish deep inside you.”

“Yeah, make me taste it,” Wade moans, and reaches down to touch himself. Colossus doesn’t stop him, even growls something in Russian as Wade strips his cock, chasing that feeling, winding himself up tighter and tighter until he’s right on the edge. “Tell me to come, Papa!”

“Yes,” hisses Colossus. He squeezes Wade’s sides and thrusts properly for the first time. “Do it, let me see you!”

It only takes a few more strokes to push Wade over; he comes with a yelp, striping Colossus’s stomach and his own hand. His eyes might roll back in his head, but he’s not sure.

“Beautiful,” Colossus sobs brokenly. “Oh Wade, _Wade!_ ” And then he’s gone too, clenching his teeth around his moans. He pants something in Russian as he starts to come down, reaching up to cup Wade’s cheek in his big hand. “Oh,” he sighs. 

Wade leans into the touch, nuzzling like a cat. “You’re so good to me,” he whispers. 

“You are good to me,” Colossus says. He’s still breathing hard. “You are sure you are not hurt?”

“Pinky swear,” Wade tells him with a bright smile. “I’m gonna hop off this ride though, give it a second.” He lifts himself off Colossus’s softening dick with a badly disguised wince. “Mission accomplished,” he mumbles, and flops on top of Colossus’s chest.

Colossus reaches up to stroke his back. “We are good together like this,” he says quietly.

“Hell yeah,” Wade agrees, rubbing his cheek on Colossus’s chest. They lay together like that, Wade basking, Colossus stroking him like a pet. It’s nice.

And then his phone beeps. Both of them lift their heads to blink at it. 

“I think that is you,” Colossus says.

Wade grunts. As much as he’d love to keep melting into a Deadpool-shaped puddle right here, it might be something about the kids, so he hauls himself to his feet and shuffles over to his phone, scratching his ass. 

It’s Ness, requesting a video chat. “Hey Piotr,” Wade calls, “you wanna talk to Ness and Nate, or should I text her that it’s a bad time?”

“I am naked,” Colossus points out.

“I’ll text her to call later,” Wade decides.

She texts him back a second later: _did I interrupt? Didn’t mean to, but fuck if I don’t want some Belgian waffles_

Wade frowns. _you want to crash my sex date so I can get you room service?_

_Yeah is that cool?_

“Wow,” Wade mutters. _we literally just finished three minutes ago_

_how was it???_

Wade grins. _it was great. I can’t believe we thought he was vanilla_

_SHUT UP. And tell me everything_

_let’s just say I can’t make fun of you and Nate anymore. It’s nice to have a Papa_

“You do not have to tell them everything,” Colossus says, amused. 

“Sharing is caring, big guy.” Wade looks up from his phone with a grin. “Beside, Ness and Nate have this whole involved sexy roleplay thing where he’s her daddy and they play their special game when they’re alone.”

Colossus raises an eyebrow. “Really.”

“Mmhm.” Wade nods. 

“And why are you not joining them for that, hm?” Colossus holds out a hand, so Wade comes back to the bed and takes it and lets himself be pulled close and held.

He sighs. “Nate’s not the kind of daddy I want,” he says finally. “He’s perfect for Ness, but it’s not a game we play together.”

“I am not sure I understand, but as long as you are happy,” says Colossus.

Wade makes a face. “The way they play...” he shakes his head. “She likes to pretend to say no. And he’s a telepath so they can play brain footsie to keep everything nice and consensual, but from the outside it looks bad. Not my thing.”

“Ah.” Colossus trails the backs of his fingers over Wade’s spine. 

“That’s what they wanted today,” Wade says. “That was the deal. I left them the house to come be with you.”

“And I am grateful for it,” Colossus tells him. “This was wonderful.”

“It really was,” Wade sighs. “And also Ness wants to come over and eat Belgian waffles.”

“She what?”

“Pregnant,” Wade says with a shrug. “She gets that way about food sometimes.”

“Oh. Then I suppose I should shower.” Colossus makes to get up and Wade whines.

“But I’m comfy!”

“Mother of your child wants waffles. You must get her waffles. I will shower first, you tell her she is welcome.” Colossus pries Wade off him with a lot of complaining and dumps him on the bed.

“What if I wanted round two?” Wade demands.

“You are marrying Vanessa tomorrow. Happy wife is happy life.” Colossus nods and takes his toiletries into the bathroom.

“Goddammit,” grumbles Wade, and calls Vanessa.

She picks up instantly. “Nate’s over here squirming at the thought of you having a new daddy,” she says happily.

“Colossus is officially inviting you over for waffles,” Wade says.

She actually gasps. “Fuck, I love him. Do they come in chocolate? Can you check?” 

Wade’s already flipping through the room service menu. “I can ask if they’ll do chocolate waffles,” he promises. “Still want strawberries and bananas on them?”

“Yes,” she says firmly. “God, tell Piotr I’ll suck his dick for this.”

“You might wanna be careful what you offer, baby,” Wade tells her. “You don’t have a healing factor.”

“Oh damn. We’ll be talking about that later.” He can hear the grin in her voice.

“Just get over here so we can have a breakfast date with our daddies,” he says, grinning back.

“God, to think most people go to strip clubs and shit before they get married.” 

“That’s so 2005, baby. We’re in room 3406,” Wade tells her.

“Be right there,” she says brightly.

Wade hangs up with Ness and calls down to ask about chocolate waffles. He’s told it’s a five dollar extra charge, which is fucking bullshit, but he pays it to make her happy. He also orders three other (regular) waffles and an entire pound of bacon, because there’s zero chance they won’t eat them. Then he wanders into the bathroom.

“I got waffles for everyone,” he tells Colossus through the shower curtain.

“That was nice of you.”

“And I’m coming in there,” Wade warns him, and pulls aside the curtain to step into the shower.

“Did you also think to call for new bedding?” Colossus asks, handing him some nicely scented soap.

“That’s probably not the worst thing that anyone’s done to that bedspread,” Wade says fairly. He scrubs himself efficiently, getting come and blood off his inner thighs and out of the crease between his balls.

“I would rather not have Nathan and Vanessa thinking I hurt you.”

“Pfft. Nate dropped me during shower sex once and I bit my tongue off. Don’t worry about it.”

Colossus pauses. “You bit your tongue off?”

“It was totally an accident,” Wade feels the need to clarify. “But yeah. And they know me, so it’s not like they’ll find it hard to believe that I tried to take your whole five dollar footlong right up the butt.”

Colossus sighs.

Wade beams at him. “Waffles!” he says brightly.

“Yes,” Colossus agrees, looking amused now. “Waffles.” He bends down to steal a kiss and then steps out of the shower. “I want to be decent when they arrive. You finish up.”

Wade guesses he’d feel awkward too if he was the new hookup and his fuckbuddy’s fiancée was showing up for surprise post-sex waffles. He hurries through his shower and gets himself dressed in time to answer the knock at the door.

It’s room service, so Wade lets them in and signs for the bill. They wheel a whole ass table in, with flowers in a vase and everything. It’s so fancy Wade wants to pull the white tablecloth off in one quick jerk.

But he wants to watch Ness eat her chocolate waffles more, so he resists the siren call of white linen. And it’s a good thing too, because there’s a flash of light a second layer as Nate and Ness bodyslide in.

“Sorry to crash your sex party,” says Ness, not sounding sorry at all, “but chocolate Belgian waffles sounded amazing and I didn’t want to have to look good.”

She’s wearing one of Wade’s sweatshirts, which stretches appealingly across her belly, and no pants. Wade thinks she looks great.

Nate crosses his arms and looks Wade over, trying for his soldierly detached look and coming across as an aloof dick. 

Wade sighs. “Baby, you look like a dream. And I did get you chocolate waffles.”

She gives him a wide grin, which makes him feel like the best ever. “God, I love you. And Piotr, you are an actual angel. Come here.”

“Is good to see you, Vanessa.” He obligingly bends down so she can kiss his cheek. “Nathan, you as well.” He’s taken the bedspread off the bed and piled it into a corner of the room. “Please, let’s eat. We have chairs or can sit on bed.”

“Looks like you destroyed the bedding,” Nate says wryly.

“Oh, do we wanna compare messes?” asks Ness. She says it sweetly, but there’s a warning in her voice.

Nate snorts. “You’d win that one, girl.” His eyes rake over her and he smirks.

She’s already moving toward the table. “Fuck me, that smells good. Oh my god, and you got bacon? You genius.”

Nate lifts a lid off one of the plates and immediately looks less bitchy. “Is that extra syrup?”

“I know what you like, pudding cup. And Piotr, get over here and eat some carbs. I know you’re a health nut, but we bounced that mattress to hell and back, so you’ve earned these.”

Ness snorts.

Colossus clears his throat. “I suppose that is true,” he says after a long pause, looking between Ness and Nate carefully. “We are all fine with discussing this?”

“Not like we didn’t know why you’re here,” grunts Nate. He’s already picked up his plate and dumped a shitload of syrup onto his waffles. “This is way better than Eggos,” he tells Ness.

“No shit. Have it with the fruit,” she says around a mouthful of food.

“Is very good with fruit,” Colossus agrees softly, looking down at Nate. 

Nate sighs, eyeing him. Wade chews a piece of bacon, looking between them as they work out whatever residual awkwardness comes from letting your boyfriend get fucked by his longstanding crush. 

Then Ness lets out a pornographic moan next to him, and everyone looks at her. “Fuck me, it’s so good with the bacon,” she says.

“I can’t get you to moan like that,” says Wade, pouting.

“Me either.” Nate looks amused. “Got close this morning though.”

Wade holds up his hand for a high five. Nate chews at him blankly for a second, and then carefully high fives him back.

Ness ignores them and eats another bite of waffles with bacon.

Colossus perches on the edge of the bed, delicately picking up his fork to take a bite of waffle. “Is very good,” he agrees. “Did not realize I was hungry.”

“I wore him out,” Wade tells Ness.

She grins. “ _Nice._ ”

“You should eat more protein, Wade. Is important.” Colossus gives him that soft concerned look.

Wade reaches past Nate for some bacon. “I took his entire dick while you were popping Ness’s pussy,” he says with a saucy wink. 

“No wonder the bedding is fucked.” Nate frowns. 

“I tried to tell him not to.” Colossus sounds guilty, so Wade gives him a look.

“Not even god himself could have stopped me from sitting on that,” Wade tells him. “So no self flagellation from you.”

“You really can’t stop him from doing dumb shit,” is Nate’s olive branch, and Colossus gives him a warm, grateful look.

“But I will always try,” he says.

Nate studies him for a long second and then nods.

Wade sighs happily and flops back onto the bed, precariously close to dropping his waffles. He saves them at the last minute and nuzzles Colossus’s thigh. “This is the best post-sex waffle party I’ve ever been to,” he says.

“You’ve been to a lot?” Nate asks wryly.

“Usually it’s just me and Ness eating Eggos on the couch,” Wade admits. “You can see why this is the best one.”

Ness steals a piece of bacon out of Nate’s hand. He sighs. “Jesus.”

Colossus looks fondly down at Wade. “This is strangest party I have been to.”

“Just wait until the wedding tomorrow,” Wade tells him.

“Sadly, we didn’t plan far enough in advance to have a waffle bar,” Ness says, stabbing a strawberry with enough intent to make Wade proud. “But we did get a cake.”

”It’s gonna be great,” Wade says. “We found dinosaur cake toppers.”

That makes Colossus snort. “Any party of yours will be interesting, Wade,” he says, reaching down after a pause to run his hand over Wade’s shoulder. He shoots a hesitant look at Nate as he does it, but Nate is deep in his waffles.

Wade catches his hand and plays idly with his fingers. “I’m glad you’re gonna be there,” he tells him.

“I would not miss it for the world.” Colossus raises Wade’s hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles.

“Oh my god, you two are adorable. We’re gonna have to send them on date nights sometimes, Nate.” Ness grins around her fork. 

“So we’re scheduling the kids and fuck time for ourselves?” asks Nate.

She waves her hand. “We’ll work it out. I’m good at making shit happen.”

That’s pretty much been Ness’s attitude toward everything in the time Wade’s known her. She sees a problem and she starts coming up with solutions. It’s one of the million things he loves about her and definitely one of the top ten reasons why he asked her to marry him all those years ago on Christmas Eve. This sure wasn’t what he’d pictured back then when he imagined domestic bliss, but shit, Wade would be hard pressed now to think of anything better.

—

The wedding is great. Russell doesn’t fuck up, not that Wade was worried, and gives him the ring with squared shoulders and a clenched jaw. He still looks round and adorable and Wade wants to ruffle his hair, but that’s beside the point. Domino and Dopinder and Nate are there, along with Colossus and Al, and after Wade slides the ring on Vanessa’s finger and swears to love her forever even though her middle name is Geraldine, they sign their shit and head over to Sister Margaret’s to celebrate this bitch.

“Congratulations to the happy couple,” says Weasel sourly, but he’s wearing a tie over his t-shirt. He pops the sparkling grape juice Wade made him buy for the champagne toast and pours glasses for Wade and Ness and the kids.

“Oh gosh, I should make a speech,” Wade says blankly, staring at Ness.

“That part usually comes after we eat, baby.” But she’s grinning. “Guess you and Weasel don’t go to a lot of weddings.”

“Fuck tradition,” Wade says grandly. “After all, we spent the night before our wedding having sex with other people.”

“Gross!” Russell mutters.

“So here’s to fucking tradition?” suggests Ness.

Wade considers. “I like it. To fucking tradition.” He clinks his glass against hers.

She beams and mouths ‘I love you,’ at him, and takes a sip.

Wade drinks too, staring at her as the noise from people cheering filters in. He met her right here—well, about five feet to the left of here. Seems like both yesterday and forever ago. God, he misses being hot. The rest of everything’s turned out pretty okay though. Plus or minus a year of torture. Can’t have everything.

“Great speech, Wade!” Buck slaps him on the shoulder. “But I been waiting half an hour for that mac and cheese, so is it cool if I get started? My blood sugar gets low and makes me real funny.”

Wade stares at him. “Jesus Christ, Buck. I can’t believe I let you fuck my wife.”

“Thanks, Wade.” Buck slides past him to give Ness a crushing hug. “You look real pretty, sweetheart. Prettiest bride I ever seen. And that buffet smells awful good.”

She pats his back. “Thanks for coming.”

Hope stares after him, revolted. “Did you have sex with all these guys?” she demands.

“Only for work,” Ness tells her, sipping her sparkly juice.

Now that Buck’s broken the ice by being the first to go for the food, everyone else lines up. Wade has to physically poke some fat bastards out of the way so Ness can get first dibs on her own wedding food.

“How many rounds have I bought you fuckers over the years?” he demands as one of the guys heaves a sigh and lets her through.

“We’re glad you could make it,” Ness says. She’s always been more polite than him. Hope’s clinging to her hand, because that girl can always be counted on to find the fastest way to the food.

Instead of having an exclusive table or whatever, Wade and Ness just sit at the bar, with Nate and the kids around them. Al too, and Dopinder and Domino. Colossus goes to sit with Negasonic and Yukio, but Ness grabs his arm and drags him to the bar with the rest of them. It’s cute how embarrassed and delighted he looks over it.

There’s a table toward the back with the X-Men who actually merited an invitation. Wade spots Beast chatting with a few of Ness’s stripper friends at the next table while Scott judges him. Negasonic is on her phone, but she came, which he’s willing to accept as proof of her undying friendship. Yukio beams and waves at him from across the bar and yells, “hi Wade!”

“Hi Yukio!” he shouts back. He’s not sure if she can hear him, but maybe it doesn’t matter. At least Jean’s got a drink in her hand so the party won’t be a total wash.

Weasel looks him over. “To think,” he says grimly, “I told you you would die alone and somehow you get your dick wet more than me.”

“It’s because you actually have a shitty personality in addition to being ugly,” Wade tells him cheerfully.

“I suppose this is a good time to break this out then,” Weasel sighs, and pulls out a bottle.

Wade blinks at it. “I knew you loved me,” he says with a wide grin. 

“I don’t.”

“You do. You’re gonna give me a blowjob with that to prove it.”

“Scotch doesn’t go in a blowjob, dipshit.”

“It goes in this one.” Wade’s still grinning at the pained look on Weasel’s face. “Do it, come on. It’s my wedding day.”

Colossus stares, revolted. “Wade, you are not,” he gasps.

“Piotr, you know damn well I will.” Wade stares at Weasel until he caves with a groan.

“I hate that you’re making me do this,” he says. “This is a fucking thirty year Balvenie. Do you know how much I spent on this?”

“I want extra whipped cream,” Wade tells him.

“That’s just cruel,” Ness tells him, looking amused.

Wade kisses her. 

“Here.” Weasel slams the glass down and squirts a heaping dollop of whipped cream on it. “The world’s most expensive blowjob.”

“I’m gonna take it all just for you, baby,” Wade tells him, and keeps eye contact as he goes for it.

“Jesus,” mutters Nate. Ness just grabs his face to lick it clean.

“Can you not?” Russell begs. “I’m fucking eating here.”

Hope eyes the whipped cream. “What’s in there?” she asks Weasel.

“Sugar, dairy, and preservatives,” Weasel says. “You want some in a glass? I know they do that for dogs and shit.”

Nate looks over sharply.

“Fuck me, you can have the bottle,” says Weasel quickly, shoving it at her.

“You turn it upside down and squirt it straight in your mouth,” Wade tells her.

“That’s what she said,” Ness adds.

“You are not teaching my daughter to take a shot in the mouth,” Nate snaps.

Hope shakes the can and goes for it. Wade helpfully tips it up so she doesn’t get a mouthful of air and accelerants.

“Daddy, you should try,” she announces, licking whipped cream from her cheek. “It’s really good.”

Nate opens his mouth, then closes it.

“Just this once I promise we won’t make fun of you,” Ness says.

Nate eyes Wade, who smiles but doesn’t say anything. “Fine,” he grunts, and takes the can of whipped cream. 

“Not the most impressive load I’ve ever seen him take in the mouth,” Wade says after he’s done. 

“Oh, dear god.” 

Nate whips around on his stool as soon as he hears Scott’s voice. He and Jean are standing there awkwardly. “Shit,” he says.

“Wipe your chin, pudding cup,” Wade tells him helpfully.

Nate gives him an evil look as he does it.

“We wanted to congratulate you,” says Jean quickly. “This party is very _you,_ and Vanessa, you look beautiful.”

“Thanks.” Ness grins. 

Scott nods, clutching his glass a little too tightly. “Congratulations,” he says.

“Thank you, Scott. Always so nice to see you,” says Wade to be obnoxious. “Blowjob?”

“I’m not making anymore of those,” Weasel tells him.

Wade rolls his eyes. “Every party has a pooper, Weas. How about some Scotch then? You look like you could use a few drinks.”

“Fine,” says Scott, and trades his glass out for the good stuff. He at least has the grace to look impressed when he sees the label on the bottle.

“Whipped cream?” Hope offers him.

Jean leans down and opens her mouth. “Hit me, kiddo.”

Hope mostly gets it all in her mouth. “Sorry, I’m new at this. I think I messed up your lipstick.”

“That’s okay, I can fix it.” Jean looks amused. “Go on, Scott.”

“I will definitely make fun of you,” Wade tells him.

Scott sighs.

“Go on, Scott,” says Colossus. “Loosen up. Is fun.”

“Listen to the man,” Wade says. “He knows exactly how important it is to loosen up.”

“Wade, please.”

“Fine,” says Scott, and leans down.

Hope gets it right across his face, nose and cheeks and chin, and is barely nice enough to avoid his ruby quartz nerd glasses. “Whoops,” she says innocently.

“Hope!” snaps Nate as Russell reaches over to high five her.

“I’ve never seen the family resemblance so strong,” Wade says thoughtfully.

Scott gives him an absolutely disgusted look and stomps off to the men’s room.

“Taunting him really doesn’t help your cause,” sighs Jean. 

“I think it’s a lost one,” Ness says. “Besides, she didn’t get any on his suit.”

Hope looks pleased with herself.

“Give me your flower crown,” snaps Nate, and that wipes the grin off her face. 

“But Daddy!”

“Now.” 

She hands it over with a glare and sulks the rest of the way through her bottle of whipped cream, looking as morose as any drunk Wade’s ever seen at this bar.

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispers, which perks her up a little.

They’re considering cutting the cake when Wade notices Russell struggling to climb onto the bar. Weasel notices at the same time judging by the outrage on his face, but Russell’s determined. Problem is, he’s also short, and unlike koalas which are also short and round, he’s not built for climbing. It makes the quest for the bartop kind of entertaining, but Wade isn’t the type to make fun of his own kid no matter how dumb he looks, so he’s about to go offer a helping hand when Russell scoots—untouched—onto the bar.

“That was fucking painful to watch,” Nate mutters next to him.

“What the hell is he doing?” asks Wade, squinting.

“Hey, um,” Russell looks around at the gathered crowd who’s all ignoring him. “Hey, the best man’s supposed to give a speech, right?”

No one looks up except Colossus and Dopinder, who both seem to be listening attentively.

“Oy!” Colossus shouts. “Best man is giving speech before cake!”

“Uh, thanks,” says Russell awkwardly as the room quiets down and he finds all eyes on him. “So, uh, I had to Google what people normally say for this shit, because I’ve never been to a wedding in my life, but, um.” He swallows and sets his jaw. “Wade and Vanessa are awesome. I got bounced around the system for years before I ended up in that fuckheap orphanage, and everytime I was sent to a new home, those fuckers always sent me back.” He looks down. “Always. No one ever sacrificed themselves for me. No one did shit for me. But Wade killed to protect me. He went to prison for me, and got into yard fights with guys who tried to make me their bitch. And Vanessa made me feel like—” Russell swallows again and takes a deep breath. “Like they were really my family. So, uh, they’re the best. And even if they say weird embarrassing shit about their sex lives sometimes, that’s more than I ever thought I’d get. And aren’t you fuckers supposed to clap now or something?”

There’s an awkward silence, and then people start to clap. Ness goes over to hug Russell as he slides off the bar, and Wade follows. “Nice speech,” he says when Ness finally lets go.

“It wasn’t bad, right?” Russell won’t quite meet Wade’s eye. 

“It was kind of perfect,” Wade tells him softly.

That makes Russell look at him, wide-eyed and vulnerable. Wade gives the kid a lot of credit. Takes guts, being sincere in front of people. Especially a lot of people.

“You kicked ass,” he says.

Russell bites his lip, trying and failing not to look completely delighted.

“I like the changes you made,” says Nate. 

“Thanks.” Russell digs in his ear.

Wade looks between them. “Are you two bonding?” he asks.

“No,” they both tell him.

“Oh my god, that’s precious! And to think you wanted to kill him,” says Wade happily.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nate mutters. “Go cut your fucking cake.”

Wade kisses him. Just a little one, right at the corner of his mouth, because now that he knows Hope and Ellie’s on the way, he appreciates how hard it is to get past what Nate had to in order to accept Russell. 

But there’s cake to cut, so Wade has to go do the wedding thing. He steps away from Nate with a smile and goes to stand next to Ness where she’s holding a big ass knife. They got a simple sheet cake instead of trying to spring for one of the tiered monstrosities with fondant that tastes like day old feet and has the texture of Wade’s asshole. The flavor they went with is strawberries and cream, and kissing Ness after she’s smeared a piece on his face is the best feeling Wade can remember in a long, long time. When she pulls back, there’s frosting on the tip of her nose, and Wade’s chest does something funny at the sight of her.

“I love you,” he whispers.

She grins. “I love you too. Let’s go fuck in the men’s room.”


	9. Chapter 9

For the record, the last months of pregnancy? Are really fucking tedious. About a month after the wedding, my beautiful daughter (who may or may not be black) decided to start putting pressure on Ness’s pubic bone, so sex got a lot less interesting for her. And by less interesting I mean she doesn’t want it. At all. For the past two months. Ness fucked me after my cancer diagnosis, for shit’s sake, so I called the doctor to make sure this wasn’t a bad sign. Anyway, she’s got my number blocked now so I have to make Ness call with my questions. Nate seems to think this is all normal, but Nate also takes Hope survival camping on weekends with no toilets and a fuckload of guns, so what does he know?

And is it just me, or has this pregnancy gone on long enough? I know Ness is sick of it, and I’d really like to meet my kid before the end of this fic.

—

“So I’m thinking Spanish, ASL, and possibly Mandarin classes before she turns one. Can’t start preparing too early for college.” Wade’s got his feet kicked up on the couch looking through different preschool pamphlets. “Did you know I speak a ton of languages in the comics?”

“She’s gonna need French,” Ness says from where she’s curled to the best of her ability in her chair. “In case she decides to live in Canada.”

“Oh yeah.” Wade looks down, frowning. The immigration situation is ongoing, but their lawyer is optimistic. “Only three of these hideously overpriced schools offer Mandarin, Ness. What kind of plebeians are they shitting out around here?”

She snorts. “If I’m putting up with yoga moms named Mackenzie then my fucking kid better speak Mandarin,” she agrees.

“You like the designer stroller though, right?” Wade says.

“Damn straight. That bitch has a cupholder.”

Wade grins. “I’m gonna make Nate take her out jogging in his itty bitty shorts. It’s gonna be great.”

Ness laughs. “You better live text that shit for me.”

“With pics, baby.” Wade looks back at the brochure he was reading. 

Russell and Hope are both at school and Nate’s upstairs with his laptop. He says he’s working but Wade knows he’s probably looking at porn. Sometimes for fun Wade will play the videos Nate’s been watching while he makes fun of Nate for being a horny slut. Great fun is had by all. And since Ness tapped out of the sex game, they’ve been doing it in Nate’s office more often. Wade thanks his lucky stars that she was smart and got Nate a desk that’s sturdy enough to fuck on.

He’s actually thinking about going up there later when Ness says, “Wade,” in a sharp voice that gets all his attention. He looks up to see her sitting bolt upright, staring down at herself. There’s liquid dripping from the cushion of her chair onto the floor.

“Oh man, did you pee again? Don’t worry, baby, I’ll clean it up.”

“I didn’t pee, dipshit, my water broke.”

Wade screams. 

She actually rolls her eyes and pulls out her phone. When Nate appears at the top of the stairs she tells him, “my water broke and Wade’s panicking. You know the drill.”

Nate nods. “Stop screaming, you fucking idiot,” he says to Wade, taking his arm and steering him up the stairs. “We pack a bag and then we go to the hospital. Breathe.”

Wade’s breathing, he’s absolutely doing that. “Yeah, but what if something goes wrong? What if the baby’s all turned around and you didn’t know about it and they both—” He can’t even finish that thought, terror turning him cold halfway up the stairs.

“That’s not gonna happen,” Nate says patiently, dragging him.

“But it—”

Nate shoves the cream cheese spreader at him. “Hold that. Breathe.”

“Were you keeping that in your fanny pack?” Wade asks.

Nate doesn’t answer. “Come on,” he says as he opens the door to their bedroom. “She’s bound to be pissed she didn’t make it to her c-section. Least you can do is man up so she doesn’t have to worry about you while she’s pushing a whole baby out of her cunt.”

Wade blinks, stung. “Oh, sorry this isn’t old hat for me. Some of us have never done this before.”

“That’s why I’m talking you through it, dumbass. Now isn’t the time to get your feelings hurt. Think of it as a job, Wade. We do what we’ve gotta do, and we let her take point.”

“Right.” Wade takes a deep breath. “Okay.” He looks blankly around the room. “She’s gonna need pajamas. Or leggings or something. Underwear.”

“We made a list last week, remember?” Nate hands over a folded piece of paper.

Wade stares down at it, not really seeing it. Sure, there’s words and everything, but he’s thinking about the yellow nursery with the mural they let the kids paint themselves, and how there’s gonna be a baby to put in there after today. He’s watched so many YouTube tutorials for how to change a diaper and practiced on unsettlingly realistic baby dolls. He scalded himself with a bottle just to make sure he knows how bad it hurts so he’ll never fuck up and do it to the kid.

He’s not ready for this.

“Wade.” That’s Nate’s leader voice. “Three pairs of underwear.”

Wade lets himself move on autopilot, gathering what Nate tells him to, packing it the way Nate instructs. Finally Nate tells him he did a good job, and they can go back downstairs now.

He stays in a fog while Nate and Ness talk about the plan, and Ness bitterly complains about her soon-to-be stretched out vagina, and he shoulders the bag when they bodyslide to the hospital. Getting checked into a room is a bit of a process; Wade hates hospitals and isn’t thrilled to be back in one even if he does have the best possible reason for being here. But the birthing suite is top of the line, and Ness gets checked by her designated nurse, who seems competent, and then they wait.

Wade chews his lip as he looks around the room. They splurged on the celebrity-grade birthing suite; they offer massages and shit. He should tell Ness to get a massage. Maybe watching her relax will help him relax. 

“They have a fucking private chef,” mutters Nate, staring at the menu on the coffee table. 

“Yep.” Wade nods. “If it’s good enough for Beyoncé it’s good enough for us. Aren’t you glad to know that in between burning dark money trails to the ground we’ve been saving up for this?”

Nate hadn’t gone with them on their hospital tours. Now he shakes his head in amazement.

Ness texts Dopinder and asks him if he can go to their house and tell the kids the news when they come home from school. Then she sends out a group text letting everyone know what’s up and telling Domino to wish her luck. Wade’s in the group, so he watches all the excited responses flash across his phone.

“Baby,” says Ness gently, “you wanna call Al?”

Wade blinks. Oh, he should do that, yes. He finds her number and lifts the phone to his ear. “Al?”

“Hi sugar. What is it?”

“We’re at the hospital. Ness’s water broke.”

“It did? Sweetie, that’s great news. You’re gonna have to tell me all about it when that child comes.”

Somehow Al’s voice is more soothing than anything else so far. “Yeah, you know it. I’ll paint a picture for your ears.”

“I’m holding you to it. Don’t do anything terrible, Wade”

He grunts. “Bye Al.”

“Congratulations, sweetie.”

Ness and Nate are both looking at him when he hangs up. “What?”

“Oh baby, you’re really scared, aren’t you?” Ness holds out her arms.

Wade goes to her and buries his face against her belly. “Sorry,” he mumbles. 

“Hey,” she murmurs. “It’s okay. I had Nate bring your unicorn for you.”

Wade turns his head toward Nate. “You did?”

“Can’t believe I had to touch that fucking thing, but yeah. Don’t let the doctors see it, it’s a biohazard.”

“But Mr. Fluffy is my emotional support unicorn,” Wade mumbles into her belly.

Ness strokes his head, until she winces. “Ow. Contractions are starting. Fun.”

“Follow the sound of my voice,” Wade says to the baby.

“I’m timing,” Nate tells her.

“It’s not bad yet,” she says. “Kind of like a period cramp.”

“Yeah, those are the worst,” says Wade.

In a way, Nate was right; it reminds him a lot of a job. Hurry up and wait was the joke in Special Forces, and it seems to be the rule of thumb for childbirth too. Ness gets up to pee, then fucks around on her phone for awhile, then gets checked by her nurse again when the contractions start to get closer together, and paces around, and pees again, and Wade is about to climb the walls. The tension and boredom really make him want to kill things. They order fancy food to pass the time and Ness daydreams about sushi.

Russell texts, and Wade has to tell him that no, there’s no baby yet. He asks if he can order a pizza for dinner and Wade says sure. At some point Dopinder and the kids go pick Al up so there are two responsible adults in the house. Wade naps on the dad bed.

And he’s having a dream about Betty White and Sandra Bullock double teaming Ryan Reynolds when Ness lets out a shriek. He sits up like a shot, cream cheese spreader ready to gut anyone who touches Vanessa.

Vanessa, whose hair just went completely white while he watched.

“What the fuck?” she demands, holding onto a chunk of her hair and staring at it. “Wade?”

“Oh shit,” Wade says stupidly. Ness’s mutation is starting to manifest. 

Her contractions are coming faster now; another one makes her face go tight with pain before she lets out a low groan. “Bad one just hit,” she says tightly, “and my fucking hair—goddammit, ow!”

“I’ll call the nurse,” Wade says. 

“Oh, I pushed that fucking button,” she says, visibly relaxing as the contraction ends. 

Luckily, they discussed the probable mutation with the doctor months ago, because when she finally makes it in, she just tells Ness the new hair looks cool. Then she glances at Nate. “I don’t think we’ve met?”

“He’s her father,” Wade says.

“Jesus.” Nate closes his eyes. “I’m Nate, hi.” 

The doctor looks between them, purses her lips, and after months of dealing with Wade obviously decides not to ask. “Vanessa, are you okay with Nate knowing your medical information?”

“Yeah, he’s fine.” Ness grits her teeth. “Have we got an ETA, Doc?”

“On the bed. Let’s take a look.” The doctor checks under the hospital gown and nods, looking pleased. “Oh, you’re coming along nicely. Almost there, you’re at eight centimeters.”

Wade wants to look, but he’s pretty sure she already hates him, so he doesn’t ask. 

“And how about some fucking pain meds?” Ness asks sweetly as she pushes to her feet, “since it feels like I’m getting a bowling ball slammed into my abdomen over and over.”

The doctor nods sympathetically. “You’re progressing fast enough that I don’t think an epidural is a good idea. I’m sorry.”

Ness’s face contorts with the kind of rage that Wade associates with her stabbing Francis. “Goddammit,” she spits. “This is not how it’s supposed to happen!”

“I know,” says the doctor, “but this is going fast. I’m actually impressed by how smoothly you’re dilating.”

“I’d have prepared for this shit better if I knew I was gonna be pushing the kid out my vag,” Ness growls, pacing the room like a tiger in a cage. “We didn’t take any classes or anything. She’s early!”

She sounds so pissed about it Wade almost wants to laugh, but he can’t die and that makes him very worried about what she could do to him.

“We can do Demerol,” the doctor says. Maybe she’s noticed Ness’s expression.

“I’m sorry I didn’t fist you more,” Wade says after the doctor leaves with instructions to get Vanessa some pain meds.

“Yeah, me too,” she grunts. “Promise not to tell me if I shit myself, okay?”

“I won’t, although I hear that’s the best part.” Wade wraps an arm around her.

She doesn’t shit herself, although it’s a near thing after another check reveals that she’s almost ready for phase two. Wade’s read the labor descriptions, although he still wants to say phase two in the movie announcer voice. Apparently moving from the prepping phase to the pushing phase makes some women have diarrhea. He glances at Nate as Ness scuttles—there’s no other word for it—into the bathroom.

“At least she can walk,” Nate mutters. “If they stuck a needle in her spine she’d have been stuck in the bed.”

“And then I’d have flashbacks to being stuck in an oxygen deprivation chamber for seventy-two hours on end,” sighs Wade. “The smell of shit always takes me back.”

One of the nurses gives him a horrified look. Wade beams at her. 

Over the pooping noises everyone’s politely ignoring, Ness lets out a loud, long moan.

“I remember when that was a sex noise,” Wade muses.

“Don’t let her hear you,” Nate warns him. “Pretty sure she doesn’t have a sense of humor right now.”

There’s a long silence from the bathroom, and then the toilet flushes and there’s a shriek.

Wade’s got the door open before the doctor, and he sees—

“ _I’m a fucking Smurf!_ ” Ness slams a fist into the mirror. “ _Fuck_ everything about today!”

“Oh wow,” says Wade blankly as she rounds on him. She sure is blue, a medium cerulean that looks pretty good with her new hair, actually. “You are like the world’s cutest blueberry and I love you, but maybe wash your hands?”

She hurls the spare toilet paper at him. All told, it could have been worse.

“I didn’t know you’d be blue,” Nate says for the eleventh time after they get her calmed down and bundled into bed for the pushing part. “There was nothing to indicate that.”

Eyes that used to be dark but are now a disconcerting crimson narrow at him. “This is _your fault!_ ” she hisses through clenched teeth. “Integrity of the timeline my ass, I’m the missing member of the Blue Man Group! I’m trying to have a baby, I don’t fucking need this!”

“Even your insides are blue, baby,” says Wade, peering between her legs. They’re also horrifying right now, but he’s smart enough not to tell her that.

“Can you give us some space?” asks one of the nurses. She sounds pained.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry. Love your work!”

Ness gets remarkably mellow about being Smurfette once the Demerol kicks in. Fuck, Wade wishes he had some Demerol right about now. He’s in pain, he’s nervous, and Nate’s hand on his wrist is the only thing keeping him from vibrating out of his skin while the birthing team all works to get Ness ready to push.

“Breathe,” Nate tells him softly. “It’ll probably go fast from here. Hour at most.”

Wade swallows and steps close to Ness’s head. “Hey baby,” he murmurs.

She’s got her eyes closed. “We’re not doing this again,” she grunts after a push that makes her shout. 

“I mean, any more kids and we’ll be outnumbered, so that’s probably a good thing.” He strokes her hair back, wondering how long it’ll take him to get used to the white. 

Another contraction makes her gasp, and the doctor says, “looking good, Vanessa.” 

Wade braces himself, but there are no miraculous little cries. TV always makes it look so fast, but apparently in real life (and according to the Reddit threads the author’s been scrolling through for added realism) it takes more pushes. He takes Ness’s hand in both of his and lets her crush them as she pushes again with a karate yell. 

She’s sweating, her newly blue face purple with strain, grinding her teeth and breathing hard, and fuck, this is it, isn’t it? This is where rubber meets the road and they’re gonna have a real live kid at the end of all this.

Wade can’t decide if he’s giddy or terrified; how the hell do people do this more than once? Wade’s only felt this helpless once before, and that was when she died in his arms. This is so much better than that, but it’s overwhelming in the same way. There’s still not a damn thing he can do but hold her. 

Nate was right, it’s like being out on the job and letting her take point. Life or death, with nothing to guide you but instinct. And the best medical technology money can buy, but still. 

“You better get a fucking plastic surgeon in here if I tear,” Ness growls. “Swear to me!”

“We will do everything for you if you tear,” the doctor says patiently. “Next big one, okay? Everything you’ve got.”

“ _I am pushing!_ ” Ness yells, and the doctor crows happily.

“You’re crowning!”

“ _Why the fuck does my clit feel like it’s being gnawed off?_ ” Ness snarls.

“Uh, that can happen. You’re almost there, Vanessa, couple more!”

Ness groans like she’s dying, and after a few more pushes that seem to take an eternity Wade hears it: a thin, feeble cry that goes right through him. “Fuck, I did it,” Ness gasps, and Wade squeezes her hand as she gives another push.

There’s a pause in which the doctor stands holding his baby. She looks up at him, something like pity flashing across her face before she schools it back into professionalism. “Congratulations. It’s a girl.”

“We knew that,” says Wade. “Let’s see her!” He needs to hold her now that she’s here. His fingers actually itch.

Ness pushes again and makes a disgusted face; Wade makes the mistake of looking and then makes the same face. Placentas are weird looking. He kind of wants to touch it. 

“Did you want to cut the cord?” the doctor asks.

Wade pauses. “You know? I would love to.” He holds up the cream cheese spreader.

“No,” she says quickly, and they cut the cord themselves with a boring old pair of shears. There are still so many people around, Wade can barely see his baby. He can hear her crying though, and he hates it. His daughter shouldn’t be crying, she should be happy.

“We’ll get her cleaned up, it’ll only take a few minutes.” The doctor hands Ellie to a nurse, who takes her to the corner of the room to make her look less like a grapefruit.

“I want my kid,” Ness whispers; she’s shaking hard. “And what the fuck is this?”

“Adrenaline,” the doctor and Nate say at the same time. He looks sheepish. “My ex-wife had the same thing after she had our daughter.”

The doctor nods and then turns back to Ness. “We’ll have her in your arms as soon as she’s dry and you can hold her,” she promises. The hard part is done now that the baby’s out, but there’s still a lot of cleanup to do. Wade’s totally fine with glossing this part, since he’s mostly focused on Ellie now that Ness isn’t gonna die or have a weird vagina for the rest of forever. Not that he’d care if she did; she has sex with him even though he looks like a rotten ham and she just grew a whole human, so the least he can do is love her forever no matter what.

He bounces a little from foot to foot. “Come on, come on, where’s my kid?” he mutters.

“Jesus, Wade.” Nate’s grinning.

The nurses are whispering to each other over where they’re holding Ellie. One of them darts out of the room, and that’s when Wade loses patience.

“Is it because she’s black?” he demands loudly.

The nurses pause. Even Ness looks over, puzzled; Wade’s glad to see the shakes subsiding. “She is?”

“She is,” the nurse agrees after a moment.

“Huh.” Ness frowns. “I guess my dad was right all along. Mom did fucking cheat on him.”

So that’s how the author is playing it. “Can we please see our baby now? I’ve been waiting this entire fic to meet her.”

The nurse finally puts her on Ness’s chest, and Wade sits heavily on the bed to stare down at his daughter. She does have Ness’s eyes, big and dark, although it’s hard to tell much else because her face is all scrunched up. What he does know is that she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and she’s got to be Nate’s because there’s no way anything so perfect could come from him. Ellie keeps opening and closing her tiny mouth like a baby bird, turning her head to get at a nipple. Wade can relate.

“Oh,” Ness sighs, stroking her hands over every inch of Ellie she can reach. “There she is, shit. Hey, baby, it’s so good to see you.”

Nate cranes his neck to look at her. “Oh, she’s definitely your kid,” he says.

Wade chokes out a sob.

It gets him a startled look, and then Nate’s face softens. “She has your chin and your weird toes,” he tells Wade gently. 

“My toes aren’t weird.”

“They’re sort of weird.” Nate smiles. “She’s beautiful.”

The nurse—Wade thinks she’s a nurse, he’s lost track of who’s in the room with them; Jimmy Hoffa could be in the back and he’d barely notice—steps close to talk Vanessa through some of the basics of breastfeeding. Wade bites his tongue because he knows damn well Ness has a few regulars who are into that, so she probably knows the drill. Although Ellie’s mouth is pretty small.

“Damn, she’s really going for it,” Wade says as he watches Ellie nurse again later. It took forever and then some to get everyone out after the birth, but Ness got the plastic surgeon for her labia and Nate told everybody the news and after a flurry of texts everyone agreed they needed to rest. 

Tomorrow everyone can come visit and Russell and Hope can meet Ellie, but for now, it’s just the four of them. Wade and Nate are both sitting on the bed, unable to look away from this new little person. Her warm brown skin looks so pretty next to Ness’s bright blue.

“You’d be hungry too, getting pushed out a vag,” Ness says. She looks down, exhausted but proud. “We make pretty babies.”

“You sure do,” says Wade softly.

Ness looks at him. “Excuse me?”

He smiles faintly. “She’s gorgeous, baby. Look at her. It’s fine, seriously. I’m not gonna love her any less because she’s Nate’s—”

Ness hits him. Not hard, but enough to shut him up. “Nathan, did you hear what fresh bullshit he’s spewing?”

“Jesus,” Nate sighs. 

“Do you think I’d lie to you, Wade? Huh? Do you think I’d stretch out my cunt, ruin my flat stomach, and turn into Violet fucking Beauregarde to have anyone’s baby but yours? Pull your head out of your ass, dick for brains.” Ness looks down at Ellie again, blinking rapidly.

Oh no. He made her cry. 

“You idiot,” snaps Nate. “I fucking told you she has your weird toes.”

“His toes are so weird,” Ness agrees wetly.

They‘re gonna give him a complex. Wade sighs. “Ness,” he tries, “I don't think you’re a liar at all. I just think we were all fucking a lot, and it’s easy for accidents to happen.”

“Nate fucked my pussy _twice_ before we started trying to get pregnant, and he wore a fucking condom both times,” she growls. “Afterward we took it off the table completely, so there’s zero fucking chance this isn’t your kid, Wade.”

“How the hell could you think she was mine?” Nate shakes his head.

“Because his head’s up his ass about his looks.” Ness sniffles. “Goddammit, Wade, she looks just like you.”

Wade just sits there, watching her wipe her eyes furiously and feeling like an asshole. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I ruin everything.”

“Thought that was my job,” says Nate lightly.

“God, I picked two winners,” Ness mutters. “It’s a good thing I love you assholes. Ellie, your dads are fucking stupid.”

The baby grunts.

“So you finally said you love me,” Nate murmurs.

“Jesus Christ,” Ness grumbles, shifting the baby away from her tit as she falls asleep. 

Wade reaches out to stroke Ellie’s back. Ness’s hand shifts to cover his. “I’m being stupid. Sorry,” he whispers again.

“You should be.” But she squeezes his hand.

No one speaks for a long time. The beeping of the monitors and Ellie’s little snores are the only sounds in the room. Wade peers into Ellie’s face, searching for traces of himself. It’s hard to tell; she’s so perfect and he’s so not, but maybe they do have a point about his chin. It’s possible he needs to pull his head out of his ass. He’s got a tiny helpless person depending on him now, and a big bad world out there that likes to shit on his happiness. Gotta take it where he can get it.

Ellie sighs in her sleep, curling her little hand into a fist. Wade loves her so much he wants to die just looking at her. How the fuck did his own parents go through this and still suck so bad? She’s perfect. Wade would burn the whole world if she asked him to. You know, once she starts talking. Oh god, she’s gonna talk a lot. She’s gonna talk like him. “She’s gonna get sent home from school for swearing all the fucking time,” he realizes out loud.

Ness gives him an amused look. “Back up the truck, Dadpool,” she says with a tired smile. 

“Gotta get her to sleep through the night first,” says Nate, and he finally reaches out to stroke a finger over Ellie’s cheek with a wistful look. “I remember when Hope was this little.”

Ness closes her eyes with a deep sigh, and Wade gently takes Ellie off her chest so she can sleep. He smirks as the baby wakes up just enough to search for a nipple, find nothing, give up with a disgruntled look, and fall back asleep. He takes her and retreats to the dad bed he and Nate are gonna squeeze into later, perching on the edge and just looking at his daughter. Nate joins him, sliding an arm around his waist. It’s peaceful.

He’s so fucking proud right now, and relieved, and yeah, feeling pretty stupid for getting all insecure on Ness after she’s had a hard day. He looks over at her now, with her white hair and her blue skin, and wonders if he’s ever loved her more. Wade’s always been a little in awe of her, and watching her go through this and come out the other side like a champ has only made the stars in his eyes shine brighter. He sighs dreamily.

Then Ness opens her eyes and says, “I can’t believe I’ve been black this whole time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic descriptions of childbirth here.


End file.
